After writing last week’s lesson, “What if the devil is Real?” I ended up having a few things blow up in my face – that was fun. Fortunately, it led to me asking the question: If the devil is real, how would he mess with me? Until the last couple years, I really struggled with thinking I was stupid. And no, my schooling didn’t help; if anything, it made it worse because I was around so many smart people. For most of my life, in my head I constantly heard, “It’s because you’re stupid.” I have no reason to have that in there. My parents never said I was stupid. My friends never said I was stupid – why would they be my friends if they thought I was? Being stupid was a fear I developed sometime in early elementary school and managed to help flourish over the next three decades – I was really good at it. I could brush off any successes as luck or pity while diminishing what I accomplished by comparing it to something else someone did that was bigger.
On the plus side, this thinking was a great (and arguably necessary) motivator for me being a high achiever, but it was something that would’ve sent me to an early grave if I didn’t conquer as an adult. I’m still sensitive to feeling stupid, but fortunately, for the most part I’ve been able to combat it. One of the things that helped was accepting that having a terrible memory and being slower at picking up new things doesn’t make me stupid. I may not have the brain to be a doctor (my memory would never allow it), but there is good in all things. Now I can see that my brain is a gift because it forced me to develop my creativity, my sense of humor, and my work ethic while at the same time keeping me down to earth – arrogance has not been an issue for me. More importantly, it’s encouraged me to develop my wisdom. Being smart can make you money and help you show off at trivia nights, but wisdom helps you live life better.
Along with thinking I’m stupid, I’ve also wrestled with other things like regret. Fortunately, I’ve reduced its power by becoming very skilled at finding the good in past mistakes and using them to make people laugh and/or teach a lesson. Seeing the benefits and speaking the stories out loud are incredible ways to take away the power the past has over us. It’s keeping things secret that causes more damage.
I’ve also gotten really good at not being as hurt by people when they say or do something mean to me. I’ve learned to let some things roll off my back while also being good at rationalizing it as the person was having a bad moment or they’re a bad person – it’s not really about me. If there’s something I can learn from what they did, I’ll try to find it, but then I distract myself in order to prevent the damage that comes from over thinking – over thinking is the worst. I basically do what you’d expect a good therapist to do – follow their own advice. The problem is the more I have these moments where I chalk attacks to people not being good people (and it’s crazy how often I’ve had to do that), the more discouraged I become – is anyone good? I know a lot of retail workers who ask this question on a regular basis because they get attacked by stressed and/or rude people taking out their frustrations on workers who have nothing to do with the problem. I also know a lot of workers who have terrible customer service skills leaving the customer wanting to scream at them – it can go either way. People with bad moments and/or bad people seem to be everywhere.
One of the greatest triumphs I’ve had has been not assuming the worst, which helps reduce potential hurt. For instance, in the middle of the pandemic, after a year of messaging four friends and then not hearing back from them for a couple weeks if at all (three of these friends had been in my wedding party), I sent this message to each one: “Just so I know, do you not respond to my messages because you want me to get the hint or is there something else going on?” Normally people would simply tell themselves, “You’re the common denominator, so it’s clearly you,” but in this case I wanted to be smart and not assume the worst. Within a day all four of them sent an apology and explanation. Have they improved? Kind of… sometimes… not really. On the plus side, my expectations have changed, which makes it easier to accept when I don’t hear from them – it’s them and not me. I also get to choose whether I message or not.
What’s interesting is as I’ve become really good at handling a lot of what has hurt me in the past, this has led to a new very powerful problem: discouragement. The reality is no matter what I do or how healthy I become, I will always have something trying to bring me down, and this is my new challenge. Fortunately, as I work on having healthy habits, I can limit how much I’m knocked down, and more importantly, naming what knocks me down gives me more power over it: “I feel so discouraged right now… oh, yeah; that’s the thing I normally wrestle with, so that makes sense. I feel a bit better knowing this is normal for me.”
To help you label the main ways the devil tries to mess you up, here is a list of twelve options (a list that was made possible by my creativity, which came from my average IQ):
- Fear: A popular choice for the devil because it’s the root behind all kinds of unfortunate behaviors and coping tools. It’s also the root that causes anger and/or being overly defensive. It can be the fear of money and how we’ll be able to afford our bills. It’s the fear of failure, what other’s think, and the “What if’s?” It’s a lot of what keeps us up at night.
- Weakness: A big part of Fear is our brain telling us we’re not strong enough to handle things.
- Incompetence: Feeling stupid is a pretty common problem for a lot of people as it can be easy to see others as smarter and more accomplished than us. It’s the “Why bother? I’m just going to screw it up anyway,” or “I’ll never be as good as that person.”
- Hurt: Whether it’s the past or present, hurt is great at knocking us down.
- Regret & Shame: It’s normal for people to be plagued by replays of things we’ve done or experienced that we wish never happened or that we handled differently: “I wish I had of said…” It can lead to embarrassment or leaving us feeling Incompetent, Repulsive, an Outcast or Worthless/Inferior.
- Repulsive: This is the idea that we’re somehow ugly, fat, socially terrible, or in some way causing people to be disgusted with us.
- Worthless/inferior: This is the feeling that we’re below others or we don’t matter.
- Alone: Whether we feel like we’re an outcast or we can’t connect with people for some reason, feeling alone can leave us pretty down. This can be connected to the imposter syndrome or being too different, so we just don’t fit in.
- Self Doubt: This is a powerful way to cause people to give up or to start feeling fear when they shouldn’t.
- Discouraged: When everything else seems to fade, discouragement is a strong option for the devil to knock good people down. This is a sense of “What’s the point?” It can really destroy motivation and make you want to hide from the world and shut everyone and everything out.
- Superior: On the opposite end of the first 10, we can feel superior to others as we look down on them for some reason.
- Disgust: Disgust takes being Superior to a whole new level as you find others repulsive for some reason. You’re not just better than them; you find them revolting in some way.
May this list of options for the devil to use help you figure out what your main risks are in order to reduce their power over you, and maybe even be the start of a deep conversation with a loved one.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)