The following list gives very practical tips for ruining your relationship based on real situations that I have encountered in my time as a therapist… and as an embarrassingly huge romantic comedy fan. If you can’t tell, this post is meant to be a sarcastic exercise to point out ways we screw up our relationships without meaning to. The truth is love (and hormones) has the power to make even the wisest stupid. If anyone says they haven’t done things on this list they’re either in denial, delusional, or a liar.
*Tip: If you want to actually help your relationship find a couple things you have done from this list and apologize for them to your partner.
- Never say no to other people, so you don’t have time for your family.
- Never let your partner do anything for you because you’re the only one allowed to give.
- Be as honest as you can without any consideration of feelings or tact.
- Gain weight and then constantly complain about it while snacking.
- Instead of being intimate with your partner watch porn or use other stimuli by yourself.
- Only ask “How are you?” and “How was your day?” so the other person can say “Fine,” and avoid sharing anything of value.
- Instead of greeting each other, pretend you don’t notice the other person, or if that’s not your style, when your partner comes home after a long day of work start yelling at him/her.
- Expect your partner to be the only one to apologize because it’s all his/her fault all the time.
- Have a never ending list of chores you nag your partner about and never appreciate what he/she actually does.
- Never talk about money and expenses; just assume everything is fine, and whatever you do, keep your money separate so it’s easier to leave.
- Do things to purposely tick the other person off to make sure he/she knows who’s in charge.
- Feel excessively guilty all the time, especially for things that aren’t your fault.
- Take everything personally and always give excuses when your partner is upset with something you did. Taking responsibility is meant for people who don’t want to win a fight.
- Continually remind your partner how much better your mom and/or dad is than him/her.
- In every fight make sure you bring up as many problems from the past as you can remember to prove how incompetent and mean your partner is while distracting you from dealing with the actual problem that led to the conversation in the first place.
- Think of the worst case scenarios and focus on the negative; being positive only leads to hope.
- Make as many promises as you can and then break them whether it’s coming home late without a warning or just not showing up to important events.
- Criticize accomplishments to prevent your partner from feeling good about himself/herself.
- Write a list of everything your partner’s done wrong and frequently read it to yourself to remind you of how bad you have it.
- Only hang out with couples who seem perfect, and preferably with more money than you.
- Find a hobby or job you can make more important than your partner; he/she shouldn’t feel like a priority.
- Find someone the same gender as your partner and tell him/her all of your problems; this person should preferably be in a struggling marriage himself/herself, so you’re both vulnerable to building an emotional connection that will make you second guess your marriages.
- Convince yourself it’d be better to leave the marriage for the kids’ sake even though your partner is a good parent.
- Sign up for dating sites just to see what’s out there.
- Blame your partner for your unhappiness and don’t try to find happiness together because everything is better by yourself.
- Make major decisions without talking with your partner, especially for things like buying a new car, getting a new pet, or asking your parents to move in with you.
- No matter how wrong you are never admit it or apologize; keep fighting. Another option is to not talk to your partner until he/she begs forgiveness because he/she can’t handle the silence.
- Never laugh and remember smiling is a waste of energy.
- Never say good-bye or say where you’re going; just randomly leave.
- Constantly tell your partner they’re crazy or have a mental illness, and make sure to regularly tell them they need therapy because it’s all his/her fault.
- Develop a spending problem you keep as a secret in order to rack up debt you can share.
- Be rude and demeaning to your partner in front of your friends.
- Convince yourself you’re strong and independent, and don’t need your partner.
- Only hang out with single people, especially if they’re recently divorced, who love their new found freedom and the dating world.
- Watch as much TV or play as many video games as you can in order to ignore each other.
- Whenever your partner begins sharing something with you start playing on your phone.
- Use your kids to gang up on your spouse to get your way.
- Constantly threaten you’re going to leave or get a divorce.
- Leave your partner to do all the disciplining, so you can look like the fun parent.
- Instead of sharing your feelings and hurt with your partner, bottle it up, and use whatever help you need to keep it bottled up inside whether alcohol, pot, work, or any other addictive behavior.
- Obsess over your children and ignore your partner.
- When you’re married, always find a reason to sleep in different rooms and/or encourage your kids to sleep in your bed every night so you’re never alone together.
- Never be happy with what you have and constantly push for the next big thing whether getting married, having kids, redecorating, buying a new house, making new friends, volunteering, buying burial plots, etc.
- Always put on a show in front of people, so you look better than your partner.
- Tell as many people as you can your relationship problems and make sure you look like the innocent one.
- Pick up a habit like smoking, playing video games, or writing blogs; that’s hot.
- Whenever your partner is hard at work lay down for a nap or make a mess to give him/her more work.
- Use your partner as an emotional punching bag when work is getting you stressed.
- Constantly point out how hot other people are to your partner and don’t make an effort to help him/her feel attractive.
- Go on trips and to bachelor/bachelorette parties and do things you need to keep secret from your partner because you know it’ll upset him/her.
This week may you avoid these 46 tips for ruining your relationship, so you don’t ruin your relationship.
Rev Chad David, www.ChadDavid.ca, Learning to love dumb people