If you were to ask me, “What is the biggest challenge you have with your wife?” (you know a question, no one asks in a normal conversation), I would say it’s her being a nice-oholic (can you guess what inspired this series?) You’re probably thinking, “If that’s the problem, that must be nice,” annnnddddddd it’s not. That’s why it’s my biggest problem with her. Yes, I know there are many guys who’d gladly trade my issue of having a nice-oholic for their wife who they’d describe as a meanie-oholic, but being married to someone who is overly nice has it’s struggles.
Before I get into that, however, I should point out that originally my biggest complaint about my wife was her inability to joke and make light of situations (a common problem for men to complain about). We’ve been together for over18 years now and this past year she’s turned it around and become much better at this, which has been really great. I’m not sure if it was the birth of our third and/or the lack of sleep she’s had with our baby who’s been a terrible sleeper, but she’s become really good at joking and lightening the mood between us.
I should also consider what my wife’s biggest complaint about me in our relationship is because I want to be fair. And what could possibly be wrong with this therapist? If you asked my wife she might say that I’m overly honest (like with this post) or she might go with how I’m not good at affirming her, which explains my post a few weeks ago on why guys don’t compliment their wives enough. Her biggest issue with me was how I lack an affectionate/touchy side. For instance, I’ve always hated holding hands because it feels like my hand is in prison. It’s like I lost my sense of independence: “You’re holding me back!” There is, however, a time I absolutely love holding hands and even cuddling and that’s… not with my wife (or any woman). Who’s the exception? My four and six year girls. There’s something special about holding the hands of either of my daughters’ hands. Sure they have cute little hands, but it’s more about security: “I know where you are, and you can’t run off.” Whenever my wife has held my hand, it felt like I was being controlled. With my girls, I have control. Yes, I know that makes me sound like a control freak, and I’m okay with that. My wife would also be okay with that because she also likes to make sure our girls are safe and not running off (not that kids ever do that).
Where my wife improved on my biggest issue with her, have I improved on hers? Well, she doesn’t complain about me not being touchy anymore… because since having kids she gets enough touch from them. One day that’ll change, which is a common issue for couples: (woman) “Touch me!” (woman with baby) “Don’t touch me!” (woman with kids who are done with being held) “Touch me… sometimes… or buy me a dog!”
Since my wife doesn’t complain about my lack of affection, what would her biggest complaint about me be now? I’m not sure, but my biggest issue with me on her behalf is I’m grumpy. Coincidentally that ties into my issue with her. Let’s get into it. I find in relationships things tend to balance out. If one person is more logical, the other is going to be a more emotional. If one person is more anxious, the other is going to be more confident. If one person is uptight, the other is going to be more relaxed. If one person is more the organizer, the other is going to be a follower. This means, it’s not opposites attract; it’s opposites develop. That’s why with my side of the family, the organized side, I’m very relaxed while with my wife’s ADD chaotic side I either fully shut down or I’m super uptight (as explained in last week’s lesson where I compared our two families). I hate being a nag (not that any sane person enjoys it), but that side comes out when no else cares about the time. What’s interesting is if I don’t go uptight mode because my wife wants us to go somewhere I don’t want to go (not that any other husband has this), she eventually gets very uptight: (her) “We’re late!!!” (translation: “We’re leaving after the time we were supposed to be there.”)
Before I was married I saw myself as a very nice person – not anymore. My wife also saw me as a very nice person. Now? It varies. On one hand, I’ve been working on being a healthier version of nice where I’m less of a pushover (I was overly nice before) and this side has definitely surfaced in this addition we’ve been building that should’ve been four months and we’re now into month 29. On the other, something changed when my first daughter was born. Before kids, my wife and I had a pretty good balance within the family, but since having them, her nice-oholic side has exploded. Like a lot of modern day moms, she’d happily put us into debt if it meant doing something to make the kids happy. Since my oldest has been born, I’ve regularly had to tell my wife, “Please stop buying crap for the kids.” At one point I said, “If you buy that toy with the little parts, or any toy like it, I’ll never help you clean it up.” And what did she do? She bought it, and I held true to my word. And what happened? She regretted buying that toy because she was always picking all the pieces up, which is why I didn’t want it. A little while later I told her, “If you keep randomly buying crap for the kids, I’m not cleaning any of their stuff up anymore.” And what did she do? She bought multiples of stuff, and I held true to my word. Being nice means you have boundaries and that’s what I was trying to do to spare my heart and mind.
This past Christmas Eve I decided I could make an exception and I started to clean a few things up… and I lost my mind, “We have too much crap!” I know these days it’s normal for kids to have a ridiculous amount of toys, but it’s gluttonous to have so much. Being a glutton, which is one of the seven deadly sins, is more than just eating too much. It’s too much of anything, and our modern parenting world is brutal for this.
To make it worse, my wife hasn’t really gotten rid of anything because she had hoped for a third, which we now have. That means we have all the baby toys my six and four year olds were given for my youngest. In early December my wife was wrapping presents and I was like “Why are there new baby toys?” thinking they must be for someone else because why would we need more? My wife naturally defended her position that our one year old needed to have things to open. Fun fact, our baby loves chewing on pens and playing with crinkly wrappers. She barely plays with the toys we have. I suggested we just wrap stuff we already have for her. She’s 11 months. She wouldn’t know the difference, but my wife was appalled (like most moms). After all the presents were opened on Christmas guess what our daughter played with the most? Pens and crinkly stuff, and now we have even more crap cluttering our house she doesn’t use.
Do you see what’s happening? My wife is overly nice and I become a grouch – the balance. When I was a teenager, giving presents became my favourite thing to about Christmas. I loved the challenge of finding the perfect gifts whether it was very useful or would make them laugh like a dancing Christmas goat that fell over. I loved it… and guess what happens when you’re with a nice-oholic. My wife picks things up throughout the year, so there’s no room for me to do much by Christmas. She even overbought and a few gifts have been saved for birthdays. Here’s the problem. When you aren’t involved in buying a gift for someone, you become an observer and it means nothing. I used to love Christmas and I went into Christmas morning dreading it. In my mind I was going to be an observer who cringes at every gift that’s opened because it’s more crap in the house. Fortunately, a few things worked out and the little I did do worked really well, but the point remains – I’m more of grouch.
My wife has always been generous with others, but this side also seems to have exploded since kids. I’m regularly telling her to stop doing so much… and it doesn’t feel good to be the party pooper. I either feel like Scrooge before his transformation or I’m frustrated with the situation. To make it worse, when the credit card bill comes in my wife regularly says, “I can’t believe I spent that much. I need to be more careful.” And what does she do later that day or week? She buys stuff. She regularly gives above what’s necessary for someone whether the kids or friends. When you’re with a nice-oholic, it’s normal to have a lot of conversations that are based on “I didn’t do enough,” and “I spent too much,” which leaves both here and I unhappy.
This lesson might sound like a complain-fest, but my goal has been to reveal to nice-oholics that sometimes being overly nice makes life harder for someone else in your life. Sometimes your partner is a grouch because you’re going overly nice and this is a natural balance… and maybe your partner is overly nice because you’re being a grouch – we fuel each other.
This week may you consider how others might be responding to you
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)
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