The other week my four year old made up a new song. Picture a very cute little girl with all sincerity singing the following words: “You love your cat… your cat’s your friend… and your cat’s going to die… your cats going to die… your cats going to die.” Sounds ruthless, doesn’t it? (And hilarious if you have a dark sense of humor like me.) But she had no malice behind it. She wasn’t even laughing… which was strange. It was just a song she made up and then never sang again. It might have been inspired by the fact our cat died a year and a half ago, and she still asks about him: “Is Bing in heaven?” This is definitely not a song I’d share with someone who just lost their cat (I’m not that dumb), but from the innocence of a child it’s pretty funny (at least to me), but it could still be seen as mean by others. Unfortunately, what’s perceived as mean is ultimately up to the receiver. This means sharing anything involves putting trust in the other person to see what you’re saying with the heart from which it’s delivered. For instance, if it’s coming from a place of love, you want it to be seen as such, and it’s very hurtful when it’s seen to be from a heart of malice or revenge. Meanwhile, when it’s coming from a place of hurt, you want the other person to see it as a sign you want to feel loved, but unfortunately hurt often comes out as anger, which is seen as an attack and/or a reason for the other person to feel hurt. Since interpretation risk is high, we need to be very cautious about what we share because it either sets us up for failure and/or it can be seen as mean by the other person.
Last week started looking at being mean without realizing it. One of the meanest things we can do is share our feelings. Of course, when I say we shouldn’t share our feelings I mean we shouldn’t share our feelings about the person who’s upset us. Sharing your feelings about things that have nothing to do with the other person is great. We were created to share these things; it’s bonding and helps us build trust with that person: (first person) “That person is the worst.” (second person) “They are, aren’t they?” (first person) “I feel so connected to you.” This is why high school dating relationships can feel so strong: (first partner) “My parents are the worst.” (partner) “They are, aren’t they?” (first partner) “I feel so connected to you.” Young people bond in their frustration over the people with which they live. It’s very bonding, but when the couple eventually lives together they only have their partner to complain about – good luck with that. When the person we want to complain about is our partner, we’re in trouble because they won’t have the same response: (first partner) “You’re the worst.” (partner) “Um… I don’t agree with that.” (first partner) “It’s like I don’t even know you anymore.” That’s why sharing what upsets us to the person who upset us is so mean. No normal person is ever told, “You upset me when you did that to me,” and gets excited: “Thank you for telling me how I fell short of your expectations. I feel so loved.” When we share our feelings to the person who upset us, the typical response is defensiveness: “Why would you think I was trying to hurt you? Now I’m hurt because you think so poorly of me.” Of course, if they were trying to hurt us and we call them out, the response isn’t much better: “Of course I was trying to hurt you; you hurt me!” or “I don’t care because I don’t care about you.” This means if we ever share our feelings to the person who upset us we can expect them to:
1) Attack us in defensiveness.
2) Throw something we did in our face.
3) Seem okay and then backstab us in some way.
4) Take the hit and then never talk to us again.
5) Be awkward around us in the future.
6) Try to hard to “win” us over again.
7) Give an excuse about what they did insinuating we were crazy for thinking that we should be hurt.
Sharing our feelings is like dynamite to a conversation – KABOOM!
I recently met a couple who told me their previous therapist taught them to regularly share their feelings of hurt with each other. Guess why they started seeing me? That advice made things worse – KABOOM! Unfortunately, years ago therapists started teaching this idea that still continues today that we should say statements like “I felt (blank) when you (blank).” Therapists taught clients that when you start with a “feeling” people will hear it better. I don’t know who came up with that, but starting with “I feel” changes nothing in the presentation because the overall message is “I have a criticism for you.” Considering women want to feel cared about and men want to feel good enough, this sharing your negative feelings achieves the complete opposite of doing what people want.
I’ve been told by many husbands that their wives want them to share their feelings more, but then I point out a very important distinction. When women say they want their partner to share their feelings, they want their partner to share positive feelings about them. They want to be given appreciation for all they do and/or to be told how great/beautiful/smart/strong they are. Any hint of a negative feeling a guy feels should be kept to themselves… unless they want to end up apologizing and feeling the repercussion for having hurt their wife’s feelings and damaging the trust they have between them.
The truth is if you’re hurt by something your partner says or does they either had no intention of being mean or they were trying to be mean, which is likely because they were hurt themselves. If the former is the case, you saying you’re hurt will unnecessarily hurt that person: “Why would you think the worst of me? My sense of trust has just been destroyed because you twisted my good intentions to be mean.” If the latter is true, logically, why would you want to hurt someone who is hurt? They’re going to get extra nasty, and you become an extra big jerk.
The worst part about trying to share your feelings like this therapist recommended is sharing your feelings is very vulnerable. Why would you ever be vulnerable with someone who is 99% likely going to reject you? As I mentioned last week, I never share my feelings to my wife about the hurt she’s caused me – why? What’s the goal? For her to say, “I’m so sorry”? Do I need to hear this in order to feel a sense of power over her (typically a passive aggressive goal) or to feel cared about? I don’t want power (because I’m not passive aggressive), so it’s to feel cared about – perfect. If I want to feel cared about I don’t need an apology. I can feel cared about by simply reflecting on all my wife does for me and our family. Why do I need any other proof?
That being written, sometimes an apology is very helpful because we clearly made a mistake. While writing last week’s lesson, my wife entered the room and asked me a question (I mentioned last week she’s good at giving me examples). I stopped what I was doing and engaged in the conversation (I was trained a long time ago to put her before my computer). After a couple minutes of both of us sharing, I started into something that was pretty vulnerable when suddenly, (wife) “Oh my goodness, she got back to me. How should I respond?” What? I was in the middle of talking. The way modern people get distracted by their phones and messages from other people has become very common, yet it has to be one of the meanest things we can do because it’s an emotional slap in the face to the person in front of them – focus on the person in front of you! To my wife’s credit, after a brief pointing out of what she did and ending the conversation because I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to be vulnerable enough to share anymore, she later came up to me and apologized. With her ADD it’s particularly difficult for her not to get distracted, but it’s not an excuse. Fortunately, she knows she should be focusing on me in moments like that and apologizing if she gets distracted. The only real benefit of knowing she has ADD is it helps me not take it as personally… but it’s still hurtful.
I wasn’t originally looking for an apology, but it was nice to receive one because she made a very clear mistake. In a situation like this the apology was helpful to point out that my wife understood that what she did was wrong and needs to try harder not to it again in the future (like she taught me years ago). The apology in this situation is more about creating a healthy boundary and to help me feel safer to share in the future. You could also say the apology was helpful for me to feel power (i.e. sense of value). This wasn’t in a passive aggressive way, but to help me feel respected. Because my power took a solid hit when she was distracted in such a vulnerable moment (i.e. she took power from me), it was good to be given my power back: “I guess I’m not your equal… oh, wait; you’re acknowledging that I am your equal by apologizing. Awesome.”
Fortunately, my wife’s apology is a great reminder that at the end of a bad conversation or at the end of the day it’s beneficial to take a few minutes to reflect on what happened. This can be sharing with someone else, journaling, or praying in some way (i.e. writing or speaking) because when we pause and/or reflect on a moment sometimes our subconscious or Holy Spirit can give suggestions for what we should do to make it better. When we think there’s a benefit to reach out to apologize or to give an encouraging word to someone, it’s good to do it if it’s not too late or to write a note to remind us to do it the next day. It’s typically best for us not to expect an apology, but it’s wise to be willing to offer one when we recognize we might have done something wrong.
This week may you consider the importance of not sharing your feelings.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)
The other week my four year old made up a new song. Picture a very cute little girl with all sincerity singing the following words: “You love your cat… your cat’s your friend… and your cat’s going to die… your cats going to die… your cats going to die.” Sounds ruthless, doesn’t it? (And hilarious if you have a dark sense of humor like me.) But she had no malice behind it. She wasn’t even laughing… which was strange. It was just a song she made up and then never sang again. It might have been inspired by the fact our cat died a year and a half ago, and she still asks about him: “Is Bing in heaven?” This is definitely not a song I’d share with someone who just lost their cat (I’m not that dumb), but from the innocence of a child it’s pretty funny (at least to me), but it could still be seen as mean by others. Unfortunately, what’s perceived as mean is ultimately up to the receiver. This means sharing anything involves putting trust in the other person to see what you’re saying with the heart from which it’s delivered. For instance, if it’s coming from a place of love, you want it to be seen as such, and it’s very hurtful when it’s seen to be from a heart of malice or revenge. Meanwhile, when it’s coming from a place of hurt, you want the other person to see it as a sign you want to feel loved, but unfortunately hurt often comes out as anger, which is seen as an attack and/or a reason for the other person to feel hurt. Since interpretation risk is high, we need to be very cautious about what we share because it either sets us up for failure and/or it can be seen as mean by the other person.
Last week started looking at being mean without realizing it. One of the meanest things we can do is share our feelings. Of course, when I say we shouldn’t share our feelings I mean we shouldn’t share our feelings about the person who’s upset us. Sharing your feelings about things that have nothing to do with the other person is great. We were created to share these things; it’s bonding and helps us build trust with that person: (first person) “That person is the worst.” (second person) “They are, aren’t they?” (first person) “I feel so connected to you.” This is why high school dating relationships can feel so strong: (first partner) “My parents are the worst.” (partner) “They are, aren’t they?” (first partner) “I feel so connected to you.” Young people bond in their frustration over the people with which they live. It’s very bonding, but when the couple eventually lives together they only have their partner to complain about – good luck with that. When the person we want to complain about is our partner, we’re in trouble because they won’t have the same response: (first partner) “You’re the worst.” (partner) “Um… I don’t agree with that.” (first partner) “It’s like I don’t even know you anymore.” That’s why sharing what upsets us to the person who upset us is so mean. No normal person is ever told, “You upset me when you did that to me,” and gets excited: “Thank you for telling me how I fell short of your expectations. I feel so loved.” When we share our feelings to the person who upset us, the typical response is defensiveness: “Why would you think I was trying to hurt you? Now I’m hurt because you think so poorly of me.” Of course, if they were trying to hurt us and we call them out, the response isn’t much better: “Of course I was trying to hurt you; you hurt me!” or “I don’t care because I don’t care about you.” This means if we ever share our feelings to the person who upset us we can expect them to:
1) Attack us in defensiveness.
2) Throw something we did in our face.
3) Seem okay and then backstab us in some way.
4) Take the hit and then never talk to us again.
5) Be awkward around us in the future.
6) Try to hard to “win” us over again.
7) Give an excuse about what they did insinuating we were crazy for thinking that we should be hurt.
Sharing our feelings is like dynamite to a conversation – KABOOM!
I recently met a couple who told me their previous therapist taught them to regularly share their feelings of hurt with each other. Guess why they started seeing me? That advice made things worse – KABOOM! Unfortunately, years ago therapists started teaching this idea that still continues today that we should say statements like “I felt (blank) when you (blank).” Therapists taught clients that when you start with a “feeling” people will hear it better. I don’t know who came up with that, but starting with “I feel” changes nothing in the presentation because the overall message is “I have a criticism for you.” Considering women want to feel cared about and men want to feel good enough, this sharing your negative feelings achieves the complete opposite of doing what people want.
I’ve been told by many husbands that their wives want them to share their feelings more, but then I point out a very important distinction. When women say they want their partner to share their feelings, they want their partner to share positive feelings about them. They want to be given appreciation for all they do and/or to be told how great/beautiful/smart/strong they are. Any hint of a negative feeling a guy feels should be kept to themselves… unless they want to end up apologizing and feeling the repercussion for having hurt their wife’s feelings and damaging the trust they have between them.
The truth is if you’re hurt by something your partner says or does they either had no intention of being mean or they were trying to be mean, which is likely because they were hurt themselves. If the former is the case, you saying you’re hurt will unnecessarily hurt that person: “Why would you think the worst of me? My sense of trust has just been destroyed because you twisted my good intentions to be mean.” If the latter is true, logically, why would you want to hurt someone who is hurt? They’re going to get extra nasty, and you become an extra big jerk.
The worst part about trying to share your feelings like this therapist recommended is sharing your feelings is very vulnerable. Why would you ever be vulnerable with someone who is 99% likely going to reject you? As I mentioned last week, I never share my feelings to my wife about the hurt she’s caused me – why? What’s the goal? For her to say, “I’m so sorry”? Do I need to hear this in order to feel a sense of power over her (typically a passive aggressive goal) or to feel cared about? I don’t want power (because I’m not passive aggressive), so it’s to feel cared about – perfect. If I want to feel cared about I don’t need an apology. I can feel cared about by simply reflecting on all my wife does for me and our family. Why do I need any other proof?
That being written, sometimes an apology is very helpful because we clearly made a mistake. While writing last week’s lesson, my wife entered the room and asked me a question (I mentioned last week she’s good at giving me examples). I stopped what I was doing and engaged in the conversation (I was trained a long time ago to put her before my computer). After a couple minutes of both of us sharing, I started into something that was pretty vulnerable when suddenly, (wife) “Oh my goodness, she got back to me. How should I respond?” What? I was in the middle of talking. The way modern people get distracted by their phones and messages from other people has become very common, yet it has to be one of the meanest things we can do because it’s an emotional slap in the face to the person in front of them – focus on the person in front of you! To my wife’s credit, after a brief pointing out of what she did and ending the conversation because I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to be vulnerable enough to share anymore, she later came up to me and apologized. With her ADD it’s particularly difficult for her not to get distracted, but it’s not an excuse. Fortunately, she knows she should be focusing on me in moments like that and apologizing if she gets distracted. The only real benefit of knowing she has ADD is it helps me not take it as personally… but it’s still hurtful.
I wasn’t originally looking for an apology, but it was nice to receive one because she made a very clear mistake. In a situation like this the apology was helpful to point out that my wife understood that what she did was wrong and needs to try harder not to it again in the future (like she taught me years ago). The apology in this situation is more about creating a healthy boundary and to help me feel safer to share in the future. You could also say the apology was helpful for me to feel power (i.e. sense of value). This wasn’t in a passive aggressive way, but to help me feel respected. Because my power took a solid hit when she was distracted in such a vulnerable moment (i.e. she took power from me), it was good to be given my power back: “I guess I’m not your equal… oh, wait; you’re acknowledging that I am your equal by apologizing. Awesome.”
Fortunately, my wife’s apology is a great reminder that at the end of a bad conversation or at the end of the day it’s beneficial to take a few minutes to reflect on what happened. This can be sharing with someone else, journaling, or praying in some way (i.e. writing or speaking) because when we pause and/or reflect on a moment sometimes our subconscious or Holy Spirit can give suggestions for what we should do to make it better. When we think there’s a benefit to reach out to apologize or to give an encouraging word to someone, it’s good to do it if it’s not too late or to write a note to remind us to do it the next day. It’s typically best for us not to expect an apology, but it’s wise to be willing to offer one when we recognize we might have done something wrong.
This week may you consider the importance of not sharing your feelings.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)
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