The other day my oldest said that a boy at school told her that Santa wasn’t real… you know, like a jerk. Why do people try to ruin good things for others? Oh, right. It’s because they want to think they’re the smart one. It’s just like a conspiracy theorist: “Only I know the truth because I’m smarter than everyone else!” Ironically, this is another way of saying, “I’m an arrogant and selfish turd!” (I wonder why they don’t just say the second statement?) My daughter asked me if he was right, and I started replying with a “No,” and I was ready to give her my well thought answer (I knew this day would come), but she walked away satisfied. I guess she knew he was an arrogant and selfish turd. But how beautiful was her trust? And how wonderful was this as a parent to be able to give a simple answer without being questioned… you know, like my daughter does whenever I tell her not to do something bad: (her) “Why?” (me) “Because I pay the bills.” (her) “What are bills?” (me) “The mouth of a duck.” (her) “I’m confused.” (me) “Me, too. I’m glad we’re on the same page, and I stopped the questions.”
I used to wonder why it was just the bad kids who found their presents from Santa in their parents’ closet, but then I figured it out. Parents of bad kids have to buy them toys because the parents know Santa’s not coming for them. If the parents didn’t do this, the kids would be sad not getting anything from Santa Christmas morning (he doesn’t give coal anymore because of the environmental associations). Since parents don’t want their kids to face the repercussions for being bad, they give gifts with Santa’s name on them, which is being too nice to them since that’s enabling the kids to continue thinking they’re good enough for Santa to reward them, but oooh they’re not. Can you imagine how different kids would be if all the parents of bad kids agreed to let their kids not get a gift from Santa because they were on the Naughty List? Kids everywhere would suddenly be afraid to be bad and parents could threaten, “If you’re bad you won’t get a gift from Santa,” and they’d listen. Instead, kids today know that even the worst kids in their class get gifts, so there isn’t a threat.
Last week we looked at the different types of being overly nice: too nice to ourselves, to others, and to everyone. You could argue parents buying presents and giving them with Santa’s name on them is being too nice to the kids because it’s enabling them to continue being bad. This is, however, being too nice to everyone because not only is it being overly nice to the kids, it’s being overly nice to themselves. By not letting their kids be sad, the parents make life easier for themselves – parents prefer happy kids (at least normal ones do). So how do we know the difference between being too nice to others and too nice to everyone? It comes down to the two basic rules of being overly nice: Whenever we’re too nice to one person, we’re being mean to someone else, and if we’re too nice to everyone, we’re ironically being mean to everyone.
This leads to an interesting point. By looking at what it means to be overly nice, we also need to consider what it means to be mean. Just like being overly nice, there are three types of being mean:
- Too mean to others: This can simply be not pushing ourselves to say hi. It’s a simple act, but we tell ourselves we’re “shy” when in fact we’re being rude. In its worst case, it’s twisting the situation to be anyone’s fault but our own whether it’s one person, a group, the world, or even a time in our childhood: “Of course I’m mean; I had a rough childhood,” which is the same as saying “Of course I’m mean; I don’t take responsibility for my own actions and brush off the guilt I should feel by lying to myself by saying it’s for another reason when it’s because I’m a jerk.”
- Too mean to ourselves: This is always finding a way to only blame ourselves even when it’s clearly someone else’s mistake.
- Too mean to everyone: This is a general negativity about people, and being overly guarded, which pushes us further into loneliness.
This leads to an important point: The problem with being mean to others is it will make us scared of them because we’ll be afraid they’re as mean as we are. This is why most of the people who claim to be shy are actually really mean and/or negative. Being shy is a natural result of being scared of others because they assume others would be like them. How do I know this? Been there, done that. When I was a teenager I was judgemental (a young person who’s judgemental? Shocking), which meant I was shyer and felt the need to prove that I was good enough to like. As I’ve become more accepting of others, I’ve naturally been better at seeing how others could accept me. We see others the way we are ourselves, which connects to my number one rule about what we claim of others: We accuse others of doing what we do ourselves. For instance, anyone who accuses someone else of being manipulative is most likely manipulative. Anyone who accuses others of being a narcissist, a gas lighter, or mean is likely those things themselves.
This is also leads to a new revelation I had: Nice people have a hard time accepting that someone else can be mean. Because nice people are nice, they naturally assume others would be nice like them. Unfortunately, this is how a lot of nice people get taken advantage of and hurt over and over by the same person: “[other person] must have a good intention. They wouldn’t actually want to hurt me… would they?” At the same time, the mean person has a hard time accepting the other person is nice. Conclusion? Nice people should find others who are actually nice, so the actions make sense.
I have been bringing my daughters to school for three months now and I always say hi to anyone we pass. Guess how many people say hi back or even smile? Barely any. Kids are more likely to say hi, but they’re likely following the grownups lead. I would’ve also thought people with dogs would say hi or parents who’ve already dropped off their kids and feeling that relief would say hi back, but it’s like they’ve shut down and want nothing to do with politeness or other people. I’ve found a few people who’ll say hi back, but for the most part, it’s a pretty unfriendly jog to school with my girls.
What’s crazy about this is I keep saying hi hoping for a different response. You’d think I’d learn, but part of me has a hard time accepting they could be so rude/mean. How hard is it to say hi? There’s a woman who walks a big German Shepherd near the school and after two months of saying hi to her to have her not even look at me (and I made sure I said hi loud enough for her to hear), she found a different place to walk her dog – I’m that good at scaring people by trying to be nice. Actually that might not be the case. After passing her the one day and getting rejected, I commented to my oldest, “Make sure you’re never rude to others like that woman is who never says hi back.” Maybe it’s coincidence that was the last day I saw her… but I doubt it. Do I feel bad? No, and I don’t think I need to. I used her bad behavior to teach a lesson to my daughter, and since I had no intention of her hearing me, I wasn’t being passive aggressive (aka an underhanded jerk). I also didn’t say anything mean or use an insult like “What a witch!” I stated truth – she’s rude. Should I feel bad for stating truth? Sometimes we shouldn’t speak “truth” because that’s poor social skills like my wife doesn’t need to say, “When we started dating, you were way better looking.” It’s true, but it’s not necessary to say (I’m already aware). Jesus had no problem stating truth to people he hoped would change. He called people hypocrites and white washed tombs. That’s more than I did. WWJD, what would Jesus do? There’s something I should be careful with because some people hated him so much they killed him. That’s not my end goal, especially since if that was my goal my wife would kill me… so to speak.
By saying hi to others you could argue I’m being overly nice to them, but I believe in being polite. You could argue this is being mean to myself by setting myself up to be upset, but I want better for others and I want to role model how others should act, especially in front of my girls. I have hope I’ll wear down the cold fronts (warranted or not). What I should be doing is instead of getting angry at others, I should be proud of myself for taking a chance.
This week may you consider when you’re being too mean.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)
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