This lesson is going to give a simple yet effective tool for being nicer. But first I want to share a quick story where this week I got called out on how I can be a nice-oholic – who could’ve guessed I’m not perfect? (You don’t have to answer that). This past Sunday, my church had a guest speaker who works for Jews for Jesus. He’s a South African Jew who was originally trained to be a rabbi, so he knows his Torah (aka Old Testament) incredibly well. What stood out was he told us to pray specifically for things – I’ve heard that and done that before… or so I thought. He said their organization realized there was a growing need to reach Russian Jewish immigrants since there has recently been an influx coming to Canada. Ideally, they needed a young Jewish man from Russia to know the culture and language and who had a profession other Jewish people would respect, so he said they started praying about it. Guess what happened… well, first, let’s consider what was in my brain. As a Canadian born Christian from a conservative Christian home who has heard many stories about people praying for needs, my immediate thought was, “Yeah, I know this story. You saw the need, so you started learning Russian.” And that… was not even close to what he was going to say. He said two weeks ago he got a call from a 28 year old Russian Jewish immigrant who found Jesus two months ago and he wanted to help their organization reach other Russian Jewish immigrants. His profession? A doctor. What? That checks off all the very specific boxes. Talk about a crazy answer to prayer – that’s beyond anything I would’ve even thought to ask for. For the purpose of this lesson, however, let’s consider how I was called out on being a nice-oholic. I expected the answer to come from himself… but he didn’t. I trusted God to give him the strength to fix his own problem, but He trusted God to provide a real answer. His answer never even crossed my mind as an option (I’ll admit that). His Jewish background encourages him to trust God to do something big. My background is to do it myself. A major problem for nice-oholics is we think the answer has to come from us: We can’t rely on God or anyone else to be the answer we need. Maybe I’m just too jaded from so many unanswered prayers. Maybe there’s an underlying lack of faith. After all, when I have pray for something I have to add, “But Your will be done,” because it hurts too much to not have a good intentioned prayer answered. Maybe it’s because I was raised with God helps those who help themselves, which has truth to it, but maybe I’m missing something. Maybe it’s simply because he’s Jewish and God answers prayers differently for them. And that’s the joys of faith. No matter how much we learn there will always remain some mystery in order to draw us into more prayer and discussion with others. Whatever the truth is, I need to be careful not to fall into the trap of feeling like I need to answer my own prayers because I don’t think God will.
Despite potentially missing out on certain blessings because I didn’t think to ask (that’s a fun thought), fortunately, I also realized this week I’m very good at one thing – adding to a conversation (ironically that’s what this is doing – adding to a simple blog idea that wasn’t big enough to be its own blog). If there was one thing I wish others were better at, that’s it – adding to the conversation and avoiding judgement. A nice person (aka a good conversationalist) will accept what they’re given and go with it. This is the “Yes, and” rule used in improv that I’ve talked about in all three of my previous books. Why? Because it’s sooooo important and so few people are good at.
So what does this look like? The other night I was at an annual Christmas street party. I was asked to do a speech in memory of the founder and before it started I was introduced to the MC and another guy who happened to be standing there. I quickly learned these two guys also just met, so we were basically three strangers. While we were talking we ended up talking about going to the Keg and the MC commented you should always tell them you’re there celebrating a birthday or something else to get free cake. The other guy decided it was funny to say, “I’m here to celebrate [very crass sexual act].” I should point out minutes before this comment it was established that I was the pastor who they saw do a wedding for the hosts of this event a year before. As soon as he said his crass comment – something I’m sure he would’ve said to his buddies – I think he realized we weren’t his buddies. The MC was a guy he just met and knew nothing about and I was a pastor – oops. The MC also seemed to realize the situation – Um, there’s a pastor here (aka a dork). For a split second there was this awkward air… until I added, “I wonder what the song would be for that kind of occasion.” Suddenly, both guys had that big laugh you have when you feel relief. We then started making dumb comments about the song and who on staff would be the ones to sing it and if other guys at the restaurant would go up and high-five the person celebrating being able to do the crass sexual act later. This ended up being a really fun conversation. Why? Because I took what I was given and went with it. Some people would be like “I won’t dignify that with a response,” but the loving thing to do is bail someone out when they say something dumb. This comment was even something I was like, “That’s not the most appropriate comment to make with strangers let alone a pastor, and I regularly say dumb things that get me in trouble,” but great nice people bail the person out. People who are easily offended or who get judgemental with what others say not only miss out on a potentially funny situation, they also miss out on being a good person. Being good doesn’t mean you get to look down on others. It means you help bring them up.
What’s helpful is recognizing when someone says something dumb that can be a sign of trust. This guy shared a comment he likely would’ve said with his buddies, so essentially he was offering us a moment that he normally shared with his favourite people. I get it. When I say things considered inappropriate, I’m not trying to upset anyone. I’m offering something that in a blink of a moment seemed funny, which is a form of vulnerability. By shutting down what’s offered, it’s actually rude and a sign the listener is too judgemental. Yes, we need social filters, but sometimes we need to show some grace. When our good intentions lead to dumb comments, the greatest gift of kindness is someone making a joke line to redeem the moment. The benefit of this is sometimes an awkward comment is the greatest set up line a funny person can be given. Funny people know how to make a potentially awkward moment hilarious, which is all about taking what you’re given.
Later that night, I ended up having a couple great conversations with this same guy. In the second conversation he ended up having a more feelings based conversation with me – two guys having a feelings based conversation? Crazy. I’m guessing the first situation helped prove I was safe. He offered me a comment he would say to his buddies and responded like a buddy. The third time we ended up talking, we met each other’s wives and it was the kind of conversation where I was left thinking, “I’d would definitely be friends with this guy.”
So why is this concept so important to me? Sure, it can make for big laughs, but it’s so important to me because I regularly need other people to take the dumb thing I say and spin it to be hilarious. A healthy nice person bails you out when you have a brain toot. After all, we will all need this at some point.
This week may you consider how you can help people when they say awkward things.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)