One of the nicest things we can do sometimes is nothing, especially when it comes to talking. You know that thing that most people struggle with because we want to get in the last word or explain why we did something? Sometimes even an ill-timed sorry can be one of the worst things we can say. I know that can sound strange, but if you’ve ever given an ill-timed sorry you’ll know how this will either make the other person feel guilt likely adding to them attacking you or it’s just super annoying. Having the self control to not respond in a heated moment can sometimes be the smartest and hardest thing we can do. Something in us typically feels like we can’t leave it alone. It’s like an itch; it feels like we have to scratch it in order to get it to go away. This is why temptations are so difficult to break. We have this overwhelming feeling to do something even if we know we shouldn’t. A little of this is normal, too much of it can be a sign of OCD. I was once chatting with someone who struggled with OCD and they could even admit there was no value in doing the action they were stuck on, but the problem was they had to do the action until it “felt” right. Considering one of my favourite lines is “feelings can be liars,” this sounds dangerous – “feels” right? During one stuck moment when I tried to encourage them to stop they snapped, “You don’t understand mental illness!” That was an interesting moment.
So what’s my understanding of mental illness? A lot of times we overcomplicate it. Sure there are extreme situations, but so often there’s only a problem because we’ve overcomplicated the situation. The Bible actually has the cure for a lot of mental health problems summarized into one sentence: “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” (Phil 4:8) Why do we have so many mental health problems in our very spoiled first world, twenty-first century existence? We don’t focus on what is excellent or praiseworthy. Instead, we focus on what we don’t have, what we can’t do, how others have it better, and pursue selfish things instead of being in a community sharing love. Even simpler? A lot of our mental health problems stem from focusing on our regrets from the past and/or worry about the future.
If I look at my own life, how often am I focusing on what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable? Let’s just say it’s not my brain’s go-to mode. It’s definitely not a message being used in the culture around us like on TV or movies. Our culture promotes anything but. If you feel good – drink. If you feel bad – drink. If you need to change it up, consider having an affair, doing drugs, or buy stuff you can’t afford because you can borrow money. Because what’s the mantra of our world? Do what makes you happy? Ironically, what will make us happy is not thinking about ourselves so much. Who’d have guessed our non religious based world could get something wrong? From my experience there’s humanity’s natural selfishness or God’s push for self control.
For those like me who struggle to think of positive things (it’s a daily work out for me), there is good news. The first recommendation of this verse is the starting point and it is the easiest step in the entire verse. I struggle hard enough to not focus on my failures; trying to focus on what’s excellent and praiseworthy is a bit out of reach for me at the moment. But what is this first step I can do? Focus on what is true. Do people need to listen to their feelings or compulsions? No. Unless they’re speaking truth, we say no to them. That’s it. Say no to lies.
What is the source of most mental health problems? Believing a lie and letting our brains focus on garbage, and then we wonder why we feel like garbage – we’re not focusing on what’s good. Even mental health problems like eating disorders stem from this basic problem. They focus on lies: (person) “It feels like I should lose weight.” (me) “Is that true or is it a lie?” If it’s true, are you going about losing the weight in a healthy way or not? If it’s a lie, tell your feelings to stop lying to you. People complain, “My life feels like a waste.” What more do we need to say except, “Is that true or is it a lie? If it’s true, do something about it; our life shouldn’t be a waste. If it’s a lie, say no to it and work at filling your brain with what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable.”
Here’s a scary question: How many divorces have happened because people believed a lie? What’s an example of a lie that can lead to divorce? “I deserve to be happy no matter how it hurts my family”; that’s selfishness. “My needs aren’t being met, so I should get them met by someone else”; that’s even more selfish. “They’re better off without me.” That’s selfish with a side of self pity. “I would never cheat, so it’s okay that I share my number with this person and not tell my spouse about it”; that’s just stupid because that’s the first step to cheating. Here’s a bad lie: “You shouldn’t stay married for the kids”; why not? Isn’t that a great motivation for trying to make the situation better? “It’ll be better for the kids if we move on”; that lie is like a lot of lies; it’s simply a justification to reduce guilt. Possibly the most dangerous lie is “It’s the other person’s fault our marriage isn’t very good” or some variation of “I’m the good one”; that’s passing the blame instead of accepting responsibility – a marriage takes two to make it work and two to make it not work. In divorce, either you married a good person or you didn’t. If they weren’t a good person, your vetting process failed because you lied to yourself: “Those red flags are fine.” If they were a good person at marriage, the question becomes why aren’t they now? Stress is likely a factor (especially with the addition of kids), but from my experience a partner’s change is almost always in response to the other person’s changes and the two fuel each other into further unfortunate changing – it’s always two people not making it work.
Of course, I’m not saying divorce shouldn’t happen – even Jesus didn’t say that – but it needs to be very carefully considered because divorce is not only brutal on the finances, but also on the hearts, minds, and souls of those directly and indirectly involved. This is why it’s so important to focus on what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable. To me, as long as the other person isn’t a passive aggressive, soul crushing, emotional villain who refuses to accept any responsibility and be open to change, there’s hope. If people are overall decent, but things don’t “feel” like they did earlier in the relationship or before kids, connection can return. The problem is speaking in resentment and anger “feels” better in the moment than biting our tongues, which typically gives better future results.
Now you might be thinking, “Isn’t this lesson supposed to be about the power of doing nothing?” Thank you for paying attention. The idea that we need to focus on what is true, noble, right, pure, lovely, and admirable brings us to the point I’m trying to make: Sometimes we need to fight the lie that we need to respond.
Here’s a quick story. After over eighteen years together I finally achieved something I wish I had of done a long time ago – shut my mouth. During the week leading up to my wife having our third’s first birthday party weekend, my wife was on edge. Between clients I heard her scream from upstairs like something went wrong. I called up asking if she needed anything and she requested towels in a high pitch voice that wasn’t saying, “I want something to cuddle.” Grabbing towels and getting upstairs to her I discovered while trying to get a crying baby down to nap my wife knocked over the humidifier on her nightstand. After handing her the towels (there was only room for her at the spill), she turned from me to clean up the mess and began half shouting a rant. The general theme of the rant was she was overwhelmed by the party and I suck. Did I appreciate hearing her rant about me sucking? I might be a negative thinker, but that’s not what my brain does: “Only I’m allowed to say I suck!” Was I angry that she was overwhelmed by a party because she was making it bigger than it needed to be? Well, yes. My logic brain wasn’t happy about that. I had asked her to keep the party simple, but that was like asking our cat not to shed fur. Both of those rant topics made me less than happy, but here’s the thing… I let it go. I simply said, “I have to go back to work,” and brushed off what she was saying. In over 18 years together this was the first time I simply brushed off an emotional moment that sounded aimed at me. I didn’t defend myself. I didn’t point out I told her not to make the party so big. I simply gave her space to vent because that was the truth in that situation: She was upset and needed to get things off her chest, and I wasn’t meant to hear it. If there was something in her ranting that needed to be shared with me, she could do that later when she was in a better mindset.
What helped me not take it personally was focusing on the truth – she was doing it to herself. Quite often when my wife does things out of her overly niceness and she gets upset the Radiohead song pops in my head: “You do it to yourself, you do/ And that’s what really hurts.” It’s good to have things that soothe us… and we don’t share. I’m sure this song would not be as soothing to my wife as it was to me.
Almost an hour later when I came up from work my wife was back to normal. The venting and space helped her recover and nothing needed to be discussed at that moment. As this situation pointed out, sometimes the best option is to say nothing.
This week may you consider the power of saying nothing and how focusing on what’s true can change your life.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)