Last week we looked at the verse: “Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.” (Phil 4:8) Based on this verse, I taught the first step to healthier thinking is to start by focusing on what’s true. This concept is probably one of the most important lessons we can learn for being appropriately nice and emotionally healthy because our brain is constantly lying to us, especially with self doubt. After twenty years of working on myself I can still have bad moments – not to brag. For instance, this past winter I had a new experience happen at church. My weekly church visits have been the highlight of my last two years, so it makes sense that my brain (and/or devil) would want to mess with it. One random Sunday during peaceful and happy music my brain decided to not be peaceful or happy. Instead it start saying things like: “If you were any good at public speaking you’d be up there doing announcements, but they can’t let you because you’re embarrassing,” and “God wanted you to be a therapist instead of a pastor because He needed to keep you hidden from the world.” I’ve shared before that my brain can be mean and it was on fire this winter. When it wasn’t attacking my public speaking ability, my brain focused on this basic statement: “You don’t do enough for God.” That’s a fun thought as a workaholic. So what should I be doing with these messages in my head? Stuff them down and pretend they don’t exist? Drink them away? Use them as a reason to be rude to my family? Stop going to church in order to stop the thoughts? These are all popular options, but as we looked at last week, I need to start by considering what’s true and what’s a lie? The truth is I’m a dad with three small children I have a hard enough time seeing because of how much I work. After church I put chairs away because that’s the one thing I can do time wise because it gives the kids a chance to play with their friends. Even if I wanted to do announcements, I shouldn’t because it would leave my wife to drive the three girls on her own – that wouldn’t be fair. Besides, I have a history of offending someone when I speak, so if I want to keep church as my safe space (which I do) it’s for the best I don’t go up front. That’s my choice; not theirs. Plus, God’s not embarrassed by me. Based on my current skill set, I’m better suited to be a therapist who works directly with a lot of non Christians because I can share God’s love in a way no pastor preaching on a Sunday ever could. I need to see the lies my brains telling me and appreciate the gift church is to me.
After a few weeks of struggling with the negative messages in my head I came to the conclusion: I miss the rush of public speaking. What’s interesting is when I realized this my brain stopped torturing me as much. It’s like it needed to get my attention to figure out what was really going on – I missed the rush. That means there’s a chance my brain wasn’t actually trying to be me mean to me; it just wanted my attention. Although I’m sure there was a little bit of both going on.
Since I’ve figured out what’s true, what do I do now? Based on the Bible verse, the first step is to consider what’s true and then the second is to consider how it’s good (i.e. “if anything is excellent or praiseworthy.”) Seeing the good is a lot like seeing the compliment that comes with it. In this example of me at church, the compliment is how it was good I was able to flush out my thoughts in order to conclude that I should be grateful I have a safe space and that part of me wants the rush of public speaking. This means by figuring out what is true we naturally set ourselves up for a compliment. The two steps go well together.
These two steps, focusing on the truth and then what’s good about it, are a powerful tool for healing. For instance, I was recently talking to a woman and when it came up that I was a therapist she shared that she’d been in therapy for over two years dealing with issues surrounding her parents. All I could think was that therapist was milking her hard! (A rather funny visual – was she hooked up to a machine or was the milking more the old fashion way? A question that demonstrates why I shouldn’t speak in front of my church.) Sure, it’d be good for this woman to have a few sessions with a therapist to vent and complain about her childhood, but it simply comes down to categorizing the parents (i.e. considering the truth) and then considering what’s good about it. The four basic options include:
1) They were good people who tried their best, but occasionally missed the mark.
2) They were good people, but they often missed the mark for some reason (e.g. they were too young, stressed, financially struggling, unprepared, etc.)
3) They were bad people who were consistent by being bad parents.
4) They were bad people who were extra bad at parenting.
If they were good people who made mistakes, this person should be grateful they were loved and consider what the parents should’ve done in order to learn from their mistakes. If they were bad people being bad parents, case closed. There’s nothing else to figure out: Don’t be hurt because garbage people did garbage things. That’s what garbage people do – they act like garbage. Punch a punching bag or go to a rage room in order to get your physical emotion out and recognize the truth – they were garbage. Next consider what’s good about the situation. In many cases I’ve seen bad parents produce good people because they take what their parents did and do the opposite. Sometimes a bad role model gives the most memorable lessons. Of course, good and garbage parents can both role model bad habits to their kids, but that allows the child room to grow beyond their parent. And isn’t that the goal of most parents – to have their kids grow beyond them?
Regardless of how good or bad the parents were, the child now grownup can be thankful that their parents helped them become the person they are today… at least if they became a good person. Of course, if someone grows up to be a garbage person that’s on them. When someone is a grownup, it’s now their own job to turn their life around. Regardless of the parents, no one has an excuse to be a garbage person who hurts others. It’s up to us how we choose to live our lives. Our parents can only give us some tools. When this person told me they’d been doing therapy to heal from their childhood for two years I felt bad for them because that meant they had been unnecessarily struggling for all that time. The bottom line is this therapist was making a bigger deal out of something simple. All they needed to do was focus on the truth and then compliment themselves for how they grew up to be a better person.
This week may you consider how focusing on the truth and the good that comes out of that can free you from a lot of unnecessary pain.
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