Please Note: The following lesson is based on a amicable conversation (even though it might not appear that way). It’s a good reminder that when you’re in a good spot and the trust is high you can have a sensitive conversation like this and it remain civil as both sides try to understand the other better rather than try to defend themselves.
While writing the last lesson, I had a conversation with my wife that was… very eye opening. In her opinion I was right claiming that women are mean to themselves, BUT the main reason for women needing compliments is to offset the constant “critiques” from the husband (as in me). Guess how much I appreciated that opinion: “Yea, I sound like a jerk.” Ironically, her comment was a critique of me. I often teach we accuse others of what we do ourselves, so was that the case here or was my wife onto something? My answer to this question… is very biased. I’m sharing it today because I think there are a lot of couples who end up in a similar spot, and we can learn something from this.
The conversation started by her saying that in my anger I’ll give her a list of things she’s doing wrong. That was surprising… because I have no recollection of ever doing that to her. My first girlfriend? Yes, but a guy learns something when he gets dumped (hopefully). Maybe I did that to my wife when we first started dating out of a bad habit, but it definitely hasn’t happened since marriage almost ten years ago. When I asked, my wife couldn’t remember a time I did this, but it “felt” like this was something I did – not the best evidence. I ended up pointing out to her that husbands, in general, don’t do this because we know if we’re ever mean to our wives, they will be waaaayyy meaner back to us because women tend to be better with words and remembering our mistakes. That being said, I have seen the tables turned on this, and the guy came across as a serious jerk.
My wife’s one complaint about me was actually pretty funny: (wife) “You remember things that I don’t.” It was funny because that’s the complaint men have about women. Have I become the wife? When I asked her if in anger I’ve ever started, “Remember 10 years ago, you…” she admitted I haven’t. She also admitted that she does this (like most wives). I even gave her a very clear example from a few months ago when she was angry and started, “Remember when our [six year old] was born, you…” which in a way proved her right, I do remember some things, darn. To my wife’s credit, she was very good at accepting the facts I presented and she didn’t get defensive like many would. I admitted that men tend to remember facts while women tend to remember how something feels, but she claimed that wasn’t what she meant here.
Fortunately, our conversation led to my wife realizing what she actually meant: I remember fights that she doesn’t – a true statement. The benefit of discussion is it can help you filter out what you actually mean if the other person doesn’t get defensive. What I should point out is my wife comes from a family that was quick to anger and quick to calm down, so fighting was a daily thing with people she loved. I, on the other hand, came from a family where if someone got angry at another family member once a year, it was a big deal and always remembered because of how big a deal it was. That means her regular anger at me, anger I saw as attacks, she saw as expressing herself with someone she cared about. Unfortunately, these moments could really stick to me because they were so… unpleasant. At one point when we were dating I would even mark fights/attacks on a calendar because I was trying to figure out how to fix it or if it was even worth it. You might be surprised to know there was a week of the month that my wife’s fighting side coming out was guaranteed – shocker. If I recorded fights, you’re probably not surprised that neither of us wanted marriage for the first handful of years we dated. The problem was we originally didn’t know if we could handle each others’ crazy, but fortunately we learned to appreciate it. Now that we’ve been together 18 years, instead of fear of her anger bursts, I have to be careful not to be annoyed at it: “There you go again.” On the plus side, at least I don’t cower inside my brain like I used to or feel the need to record we had a fight. Now I’m stronger for her, which has increased her sense of safety with me and, in turn, reduced her anger bursts. My wife’s also been working hard to be a little more like my family because she’s come to appreciate our lack of conflict.
This realization soon led my wife to come to the conclusion that I critiqued her. She then gave some examples… that were terrible. Yes, that’s a critique, but at least that just gave her a real example to use. As someone who knows words don’t mean a lot (a claim I made clear in my book 52 Lessons for Better Communication, and a good explanation why I don’t care a lot about compliments), I know she might have been caught in a moment where the first things to come to her mind were dumb examples, but even after I pointed out how they were faulty, she still liked them – the difference between a man’s logic and how it felt to her. The first example was how I critiqued one of the times she cut the lawn in the summer. This summer, about a month after I hand-dug the front lawn, added better soil, leveled everything, and laid down new sod, she cut the grass and accidentally shaved a number of the edges along the gardens. She apologized to me for doing that, and my response was: “Sure,” with all the emotional suppression a champion suppresser could suppress. In my wife’s mind, however, I critiqued her even though I said, “Sure,” because she was upset with herself. That means I got in trouble for doing something I didn’t do – that’s fun. The other example was from almost ten years ago (who’s the one who remembers and uses the past?). When we first got married, we were folding laundry together and she told me that I was doing the socks wrong. I liked my socks folded over while she put them in balls. When she told me I was wrong for how I was doing my own socks, I was very confused and told her that’s how I like my socks. That bizarre argument ended with her saying, “If you want me doing the laundry, I’m going to do your socks the way I want to do them,” and I responded, “Sure,” because I preferred my laundry being done more than an organized sock drawer. In our present day discussion, I was very confused: “So how was that situation an example of me critiquing you?” and her response was: “And how do I do your socks now? I fold them.” This did not help my confusion. I pointed out to my wife that in that scenario we were two equal people with different ways of doing something that doesn’t have a must-do format. And she responded, “But I felt bad after.” Apparently her feeling bad meant I critiqued her. I’m still confused with that example, and she still thinks it’s great.
This led to a third example that is debatably fair. 18 years ago (yes, she just went back to the very beginning of our relationship) when she was this super hot 20 year old who was being hit on by every guy allowed to hit on her (aka single guys) and some who shouldn’t have like a 28 year old worship leader who was married and later admitted he was trying to win her over after she told him she had a fight with me because I said he was hitting on her and she denied it. But, I digress. The point is she was super hot (like her anger often was at me) and I was regularly not being hit on (as in never being hit on). So in all her super hotness and my lack thereof, we were sitting on the couch together and I jokingly said, “Looks like someone’s not going to be a foot model.” I thought this was playful ribbing about a safe thing, but I couldn’t have been more wrong. I forgot she wasn’t my ex-girlfriend who regularly called me Finger Toes because I have long toes and we thought it was hilarious. After all, who cares about how good your feet look? No one’s dating someone and saying, “Her face is disgusting, but her feet… wow, I have to marry that.” Fortunately, back then I was smart enough not use how my ex-girlfriend was more sane than her in my defense (I was only partially dumb), but unfortunately, this moment still haunts my wife 18 years later after marriage and three kids together. Do you see why I claimed this foot moment might not be a good example of me critiquing her? It was a joke twisted to be the greatest insult she’s ever received.
I should point out that my wife is constantly critiquing me because I’ll say things (or write things) that she doesn’t like. She’ll also tell me my outfit isn’t good enough or if I have something in my nose or teeth. She’s even very quick to tell me to fix something I did that could be done better. But isn’t your spouse your accountability partner and supposed to point out these kinds of things? To me, critiquing someone you care about is valuable. It’s a gentler form of criticizing because it lacks the insult side and comes from a place of love (or it’s supposed to).
I guess the question remains, if someone is critiquing you, do you need a balance of compliments from that same person or can there be enough trust that a critique is help and not a put down? As someone who prefers a thank you to a compliment, I would lean to the latter, but I also know there is a point when the person is critiquing too much. There is a line that pushes the person to being overly picky. To me, this line is not helped by the number of compliments. If there are too many critiques, there are too many critiques. To my wife, however, she’s more interested in there being a balance of critiques and compliments. Since there is no set rule, it’s up to the couple to find what works for them.
This week may you consider what balance you want with critiques and compliments.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)