My daughter was scheduled to be born by c-section January 31, a week earlier than her due date. The surgeon, the expert with over 16000 c-sections under his belt, told my wife there was a five percent chance the baby would be born before that date even though our oldest was born a week early and the second, two weeks early. Every non-expert we told this to agreed she was going to be early. Guess who was right? It’s funny how practical thinking can be more accurate than the “expert” opinion. That being said, I was fervently praying she wouldn’t be early. Did that help? Nope. My daughter was born January 19, so the doctor wasn’t even close – that’s reassuring. The day after my daughter was born, my mom’s sister passed away. My mom had been her caregiver on and off for about 15 years and by the end, my aunt resembled those 20 years her senior. It was not a good way to go. In the movie Second Hand Lion, the death of two of the main characters was almost a beautiful thing because they died “With their boots on.” They went out with a bang… or a crash as they crashed the airplane they built. If you haven’t seen the movie, it’s one of my favourites, and don’t worry I didn’t spoil anything. The moment I shared is actually the beginning of the movie.
As much as I was against my daughter being born early, it was actually perfect timing for my mom. This begs the question, did God not answer my prayer because He was protecting my mom (she was able to transfer her care giving from her sister to helping my wife) or was it simply a disregard of my prayers? I prefer to go with the first answer, but I’ll only know for sure when I’m dead (so hopefully not for awhile).
I was recently talking to someone going through psychotherapy school and I shared the best thing I did for my early career was listen to celebrity biographies because they simulate life experience (life experience is so much better for growing in wisdom than reading stuff by smart people trying to be smart). When it comes to everyday learning, most people prefer hearing stories rather than simply being told something smart printed in a textbook … or maybe that’s my Jesus’ influence coming through- he typically used stories and life experience to teach. Thus, looking at my aunt’s death is less about me grieving and more about me using it as a teaching situation. After all, death is a good time to reflect and consider what we can take from the person’s life who died.
The Lessons:
- Find smart ways to be generous if you want to be remembered: When my wife and I bought our house, my aunt gave us her almost new couch (my wife was very glad she wasn’t into floral patterns). I’m not sure how much it was her wanting a new couch or simply being generous, but it was an incredible gift that will help her be remembered. If you want to be remembered, you don’t need to give something this big, but it should be something that’ll be noticed.
- We remember ideas more than specifics: My favourite memory of my aunt is her and my mom laughing in the way only girls can laugh with each other (i.e. there’s some cackling going on). This idea is very important to keep in mind, especially for parents who put pressure on themselves to do extravagant things with and for their kids. Giving too much, leaves things being taken for granted and forgotten.
- You reap what you sow: I was never that close with my aunt (you probably gathered that by my post). Even though growing up she was at every birthday and holiday dinner and my brother and I were used a number of times to help her move, I don’t know if she ever even asked me how I was doing. We were “family” without ever being directly connected. Our connection was through my mom, especially in the older years since my aunt had to stop going to family events because of health reasons about ten years ago. We arguably stayed in touch through my mom’s stories of the other person, but it was limited.
- Community is important, especially as you age: I recently read strong social connections can reduce the risk of early onset dementia. By the end, my aunt had my mom and her daughter and that’s about it. She had a former neighbor who had helped her before she was forced into a retirement home, but this neighbor was often hurt by my aunt and the connection dwindled. My aunt had her TV and her crafts, but she never pushed herself to connect with people. Even in the nursing home, she kept people at a distance. When she passed, not only was she lonely, she was struggling with early onset dementia. (Side note: community is one of the reasons church is so helpful.)
- Beauty as a child isn’t always a gift: My aunt was known for being very stand out attractive growing up. This special attention added to her marrying too young and allowed her to get away with not being very kind (i.e. she was spoiled). Meanwhile, my mom told me she was described as homely, but then her beauty flourished closer to adulthood. By then, her looks caught up with the personality she had been developing, and her gentle kindness only added to her smile lines as she’s aged, which helps her be one of the most beautiful people in her age bracket. I guess being a late bloomer has its benefits. (Here’s hoping my daughters are later).
- It doesn’t pay to be mean: It can be very hard to bite our tongue when we’re hurt, but that’s the only way to reduce conflict and continue relationships. My aunt could be a lot of fun with my mom and the friends she had over the years, but she could be very sharp. She had a lot of close friends over her lifetime including friends she went with to Vegas, but they all disappeared for various reasons with one common reason being my aunt was more “I think it, so I’m going to say it,” which is a terrible way to treat others because our initial reactions can be terrible.
- If age reduces social filters, we need to be careful how we think when we’re young: Ever notice how mean people get meaner with age and kind people get kind? It definitely pays to work on being thankful, polite, and gentle in our younger years because what we do today will likely be amplified in the future.
- Invest in younger people: As we get older it becomes important to invest in young people. It’s good to be around their energy and hope for the future. It’s good to remember what it’s like not being as jaded. More importantly, younger people become important because as we age the people we know our age and older start disappearing. My mom has now lost her parents, her husband, her sister, and many friends she grew up with in church. If she didn’t have us younger people in her life, her risk of loneliness would be increasing.
- Be kind to your elders: Life is hard as you get older. It’s hard losing the ability to do things you once were able to do. It’s hard burying people you love. It’s hard being full of life experiences, yet being brushed aside as out of touch. We used to respect our elders, but now with technology, it’s easy for young people to look at older people (even those only ten years ahead) with disgust, which is a very dangerous dynamic.
- Sacrifice today, so your tomorrow is better: Despite being considered stand out attractive growing up, my aunt ended up struggling with obesity most of her life. As she got older, her weight caused a world of problems that eventually put her in a retirement home much sooner than she should’ve had to, but she couldn’t physically be on her own anymore. As hard as it is to lose weight, the struggle is definitely worth it in the long run.
This week may you consider the life lessons you can learn for people who have passed away.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)