A friend once told me, “If everyone likes you, you’re boring and irrelevant.” He proudly has a few people not like him. It’s an interesting idea. If everyone likes me, I’m essentially living a life of beige – there’s nothing that interesting about me (no offence if you love beige… I’m obviously not as good as my friend with being okay when people don’t like me). I like to remind myself this from time to time because over my life I’ve had a knack for people not liking me. Even years ago when I was more of a people pleasing workaholic, someone would always end up not liking me no matter what I did. It used to drive me crazy when someone didn’t like me. Now it just drives me a little crazy (yea for growth). I’m not as obsessed with everyone liking me, but there is still a line where I should want certain people to like me and enjoy me being around. Even my friend who’s okay with people not liking him has a list of people who adore him, which balances those who don’t. There should always be people who like us. If no one liked us, that’s a problem. Either we’re in the wrong crowd(s) or we’re a terrible person; neither option is very good.
An even better way to accept that people don’t like us is to consider the many reasons why someone can choose not to like us. The following is a list of potential reasons.
- They actually like me, but I don’t realize it for some reason whether I’m too insecure to see it and/or they don’t communicate their feelings in a way I understand.
- My need to be liked is annoying
- I’m too popular or rich
- I’m so likeable it makes the other person feel inadequate in some way
- I try too hard to impress them and/or do too much for them
- There is a misunderstanding between us that hasn’t been cleared up
- They heard something about me they don’t like
- I did something hurtful to them they haven’t gotten past
- I did something hurtful to someone else they haven’t gotten past
- I appear to be at risk of hurting them or someone else
- There is an age, cultural, or religious reason
- I hold a position of power in their eyes they don’t like
- There is a general disconnect between us
- They can’t find a common ground between us
- They’re having a bad day/phase and not in the mood to like us
- I’m too emotional or dramatic
- I’m too logical or emotionally shut off
- I create too much conflict
- I don’t engage enough in conflict
- I’m terrible at listening and/or don’t ask good questions to add to a conversation
- I’m drawn to being a devil’s advocate
- I tend to correct everything people do that’s not exactly how I want
- I’m too easygoing
- I’m not easygoing enough
- There was a miscommunication somewhere
- They think I don’t like them and acting accordingly
- They’re a distant person who doesn’t want to get close to anyone
- I do something they hate about themselves (i.e. projection)
- I remind them of someone they can’t stand (i.e. transference)
- They lack a sense of humor or one that aligns with mine
- They’re snobby and/or they think I’m below them in some way
- They’re insecure and think I’m above them or too good for them
- They lack empathy and/or social skills
- I appear to lack empathy and/or social skills
- They’re jealous and/or intimidated by me
- They think I’m jealous and/or intimidated by them
- They’re struggling with anxiety particularly for social situations
- They’re judgemental and/or guarded
- I appear to be judgemental and/or guarded
- I look like a show off
- I do things that are inappropriate or insulting in their eyes
- I have a weird or annoying habit or tick
- I speak in a way they don’t like (e.g. swear too much or use words that are too big)
- I’m too much of a goody-goody and/or people pleaser
- I’m too much of a user and/or lack appreciation for what they do
- They lump me into a category of people they don’t like (e.g. jock, nerd, airhead, etc.)
- They think I’m too whiney
- I never let them help me or cause them guilt for always helping them
- They are an overall bad person (it’s amazing how many people are just not very good people)
- I’m an overall bad person
As this list demonstrates, there are many reasons why someone may not like us. Unfortunately, most people see it as black and white: If I’m a good person, you’ll like me, and if I’m a bad person you won’t. As this list demonstrates, however, it is rarely that simple. Just because someone doesn’t like us, doesn’t mean we’re not a good person. In fact, being a good person could be the very reason they don’t like us. If you’re thinking people are weird, you’d be correct. We are all weird in some way and that’s what makes life more interesting.
This week may I better accept the idea of someone not liking I.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)