I was going to title this blog “Under the Surface”, but that sounded too much like a poem by a melancholic teenager who can’t get a date: “Under the surface/ Something unnoticed/ Is it real?/ I don’t know/ What is it?/ A shadow? A skin coloured mole?/ No, it’s me… or is it just my heart?”… you’re welcome for that poetry treasure. ‘Under the surface’ is an important idea to remember, however, because as we’re often told, things may not always be what they appear (a line from Beauty and the Beast), so don’t judge a book by its cover (a line authors use when they hire a crappy artist to design their book cover) because ‘beauty is skin deep’ (something people say who don’t realize bone structure plays an important factor in how we look: (random person) “You’re very pretty.” (pretty person) “It’s just my epidermis; my bones are terrible”). Sayings like these were created, however, because under the surface something might be going on that’s quite contrary to what we see. For instance, I opened up a wall at my house recently to discover the previous owners used drywall (a normal construction product) on the outside of the wall behind the siding (a not so normal construction choice). It’s not called ‘drywall’ because it keeps things dry. It’s called ‘dry’ because it needs to stay dry as proven by the parts that were crumbling from moisture exposure and the mold garden on another patch. Before we opened up the wall we assumed it was fine; it looked fine on the outside… but nope. The same thing can happen with people in the physical sense. For example, years ago when my dad was alive my family thought he was in decent shape until he visited the doctor and had to be rushed into have triple bypass surgery. Under the surface things weren’t good. The same thing can happen emotionally. People may be smiling and laughing, but under the surface they could be in a lot of pain. Last week I wrote about the fact that some of the nicest people are the ones struggling with suicidal thoughts because they fall into the passive category, which means they absorb pain and hurt rather than express it properly. Knowing that the surface can be hiding things leads to two of the most important keys we can learn for being a good friend.
- Patience: We need to be patient with people because we don’t know what’s actually going on. Typically when people yell at us or are rude we assume they’re angry at us when they could be angry at something very different. We need to be careful not to take things so personally and to clarify the anger. Sometimes we experience other people’s anger when it’s really a cry for help. It’s a terrible method for crying out, but we all do it at some point; some people do it at a lot of points: (example person) “I’ve had a rough day at work; I’m going to yell at my partner for silly stuff that doesn’t really bother me, but I’m cranky so I need to express it somehow. I wish I could see Chad as a therapist so he could help me be less of a jerk (yes, that’s a shameless plug for my therapy services).”
- Ask questions: Questions are our best friend. If we want people to know we care about them we need to ask them questions and actually want to hear the answer. We need to be asking questions like “What good things have happened recently?” “What’s going on in your world?’ and “Are you okay? You don’t seem yourself.” Questions are also great in general conversation. I find I don’t really say anything anymore about myself unless I’m asked a question. People are so distracted with phones and schedules that I need to know they care and can actually listen to me when I share something. Some may argue this is being too guarded, but I’d rather not be the person who shares too much or speaks just to hear themselves. Questions are also great for generating conversation, and to help the other person feel valued.
This week may you remember that what you see isn’t always what you get, which means we should be doing our best to be patient with people even when they’re rude to us, and to ask questions to see how they’re doing.
Rev Chad David,www.ChadDavid.ca, Learning to love dumb people