There are two simple things you can do that will increase the likelihood of a long and happy union; they’re nothing mind blowing, but they’re something we tend to neglect and ignore in our busyness, tiredness, and the general complacency that sneaks into long term relationships. Any guesses? Hide bodily odors and bowel movements? Good guess, but no. Not having a TV in the bedroom? That’s a good idea, but again no. Sharing a toothbrush? Absolutely not; that’s one of the nastiest things I’ve heard someone do. The two tricks are related. If you want to help your marriage, say hello in a way that your partner will be happy to see you and say good-bye in a way that your partner will look forward to seeing you again later. These are two simple things that can easily be missed, but can make a world of difference, especially in the long term.
The Good Bye
If you want your partner to want to see you again, learn how to say good-bye in an endearing and caring way. My dad would always hug and kiss my mom at the door before leaving for work, and then say a loud “tootles” as he left. I’m not sure why he said “tootles”; it certainly wasn’t cool, manly, or even normal, but it was his thing and it has stuck with us 10 years after he passed away. For my mom, she has forever been at the door ready to say good-bye to everyone with a hug and saying either “Remember mommy loves you,” or “Watch out for the bad guys.” Again, it’s endearing, and something that we will always remember. Her good-byes taught me the importance of hugging her good-bye because it guaranteed a connecting point for us, and is something I’m trying to carry on into my own marriage. A healthy good-bye can also be very encouraging for both of you as you leave for the day, and it makes it so you look forward to seeing the other person later. I am far from being a morning person… it feels like I have a hangover everyday when I wake up… but I will make sure I say good-bye properly, so people will be happier to see me later. There is no excuse not to be friendly with your partner when you leave. Even if you have a fight you should suck it up, and leave with some type of encouraging words: “Sorry to leave like this; I’ll be better later,” “Hope your day gets better,” or “Sorry I’m such a grump today.” If you want a healthy and long lasting marriage make sure you get this right.
The Hello
Even more important than how you say good-bye is how you greet each other. My family taught us to say hello when we walked in the door to make sure the others knew the door opening wasn’t the wind pushing the door open or a robber barging in, so it was practical and friendly. When entering the house it’s good to be ready to greet with as much of a friendly face and words as you can even if it’s “I’m so glad to be home; it was such a tough day.” Make it so people are happy to have you home and not afraid you’ll snap at them. It’s even more important how you greet the person entering the house. This is my weak point. If I’m busy doing something it’s easy for me to simply say hi and keep working without offering much else. This doesn’t leave the other person feeling like they matter, which can lead to feeling rejected and/or being defensive. I’ve had a number of clients where the wife was at home taking care of the baby all day and needing some adult conversation so when the husband came home she would bombard him with conversation and rants about the day. Most people need a few minutes to simply enter the house and get settled before they can handle a tidal wave of emotions. To resolve this, it would be agreed either the wife would just hold back a few minutes or if she couldn’t she would find someone during the day to unload most of her frustrations out with in order to be more patient to share her concerns with her husband later. This change made a world of difference because how you greet someone will set up how you treat each other the rest of the night.
If you want a happy marriage, you and your partner need to get good at how you say hello and good-bye to each other. If you want a divorce, don’t worry about it.
Rev.Chad David, www.ChadDavid.ca, Learning to love dumb people