Can God Appreciate Porn? (Porn Pt2)

I believe the devil has three main goals:

1. To make us so ashamed of ourselves we hide from God like in the Garden of Eden
2. To cause division between people
3. To make good people hide from the world in order to prevent them from making it better

I can’t help but think that the devil doesn’t really care about getting people to watch porn per se – that’s small potatoes.  Porn is just another tool he can use to mess us up on a deeper level.  It’s like homosexuality or abortion.  Whatever your belief is on these topics, the devil’s goal is to create division between God, others, and ourselves (i.e. divided we fall).  It’s the opposite of God who tells people to love Him, others, and ourselves (aka “love your neighbor as yourself”).

Another way of looking at this is to consider the verse: “And why worry about a speck in your friend’s eye when you have a log in your own?… First get rid of the log in your own eye; then you will see well enough to deal with the speck in your friend’s eye.” (Mat 7:3, 5)  This is similar to the famous verse: “let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!” (John 8:7b)  This verse combines well with the Seven Deadly Sins like we discussed two weeks ago because we all struggle with all seven of them at some point or another.  I think a lot of Christians (and people in general) get stuck on simple, obvious things like drugs and porn.  They’re easy to point a finger at and claim. (snobby person voice) ‘That’s bad, so you’re bad.”  As a kid, people at my church gave their testimony of how God turned their life around and the coolest ones typically involved drinking and drugs.  Back then, porn was too “terrible” to admit in church, until later in the 90s I remember my first time hearing someone mention this.  Those things, however, aren’t really what make people bad; they’re what cause shame and push people to hide from God, which is the greater problem.

Based on the scale of how bad a sin can be, I had a way worse sin than someone watching porn privately to cope with their pain.  Sorry, it’s not very juicy, but the worst sins tend to be boring.  I was recently at Costco and in the distance I saw a friend’s mom.  She was by herself looking at something.  I’ve only briefly talked to her a couple times before, but she knows me because I did her daughter’s wedding about ten years ago and the couple have good friends for even longer.  When I saw the mom, I was pushing a buggy with my three year old and looking for my wife.  I had the “I know her” moment… paused… and then continued on my path away from her.  Now, this sounds rude, but not terrible… until I share that she’s the wife of the man I did the funeral for two months ago – ouch, right? How big a jerk was I not to say hi to her, give her a hug, and ask how she’s doing on her own, especially when a couple months ago she would’ve likely been doing her Costco trip with him? As I walked away, I didn’t even give it much thought because I had things to do.  The level of sin I committed didn’t even hit me until the next day, “Did I walk away from a widow? Ohhhhh man… I suck!” Deep levels of sin can be so easy for us, we don’t clue in unless there’s someone or something telling us we screwed up like a hangover or being overly full from eating too much.  To be honest, I would say the reason I didn’t say hi was a combination of fear, “What if it’s an awkward moment?” which is a terrible reason, and “I don’t want to stop doing what I’m doing even if it’s for someone else who might be feeling a little lonely,” which is even worse.  How should I handle this? We’ll get to it in a moment.

In the last lesson I started discussing one of the major reasons why porn is seen as so bad – women take it personally.  Probably the most important thing wives need to realize is that when a guy watches porn, unless it’s a punishment thing, it has a nothing to do with her – absolutely nothing.  What’s fun is if a wife disagrees with me, she’s actually committing the sin of pride: “Of course it’s about me!” How’s that for a fun thought? Unfortunately, as true as this is, many people would rather dismiss me as an idiot because they want to be hurt and angry (a strange reality) and/or because they don’t want to consider the plank in their own eye, “I’m an innocent victim, so I get to attack the bad people!”

I’ve met some women who have been devastated when they found out their partners watched porn, but they need to understand the important lesson: A husband watching porn is not a sign his wife is not good enough.  You are NOT meant to be everything for your partner.  From a communication standpoint, I’ll never be enough for my wife.  She needs other women to talk to because I’m a dude.  I can’t get her to cackle the way she can with her friends or give her different mom perspectives.  I don’t have to be everything for her; I just need to do the best I can in my role as her partner.  Physically, we’ve been together 17 years.  There’s nothing exciting about seeing me anymore.  Maybe if I had to go on a work trip for a couple weeks, but I’m the same old, same old.  As one comedian joked, after a year of being with a woman, no matter what you wear, it’s the same old body parts.  There’s comfort with familiarity, but what gets most people excited about anything from food to vacations? Variety.  A woman can have a favourite romantic movie, but she’ll want to see a different one every now and then.  If my wife gets the blood flowing because she watched a Thor movie, awesome; she has good taste.  He’s a good looking guy.  He’s spent millions of dollars to look that way.  I’d be more concerned if she thought Richard Simmons or Jabba the Hut was her ideal sexy man – that’d be concerning: “Do I remind you of them?” Why should I be insecure because my wife recognizes something as sexy? Should she tell me he’s sexier than me? No, that’s mean.  Should she tell me she wishes I could be more like Thor? No, but I assume she wouldn’t be upset if I looked more like him.  At the same time, she wouldn’t want me spending the hours of work and all the money on healthy food it’d take to look that way (and the cost to change my genetics because I never had a chance to look like him).

If a woman is hurt because a guy watches porn, she needs to consider what her expectations are of herself.  The odds are they’re completely unfair.  The only one being mean between her and her husband is her to herself.  I once heard a woman say, “I’m really hot.  My husband should only want to look at me.”  Isn’t that prideful (aka one of the Seven Deadly Sins)? And are you telling me you’ve never looked at a Hollywood celebrity and thought, “Wow, they’re attractive?” If you haven’t, you’re either lying or oblivious.  The world is full of beautiful people because God makes beautiful things.  We don’t have to be intimidated by it or compete to be the best.  We need to appreciate the beauty.  You can be from Interlaken, Switzerland, the most beautiful place I’ve ever seen, and look at a city like Krakow, Poland, and be like, “Wow, that’s beautiful.”  It’s not saying I don’t think Switzerland is beautiful.  It’s different and sometimes it’s nice to appreciate the beauty of something else.

Fun fact, as I guy I can only focus on one thing at a time (shocker, I know).  That means no matter if I think Yvonne Strahovski from Chuck is crazy gorgeous (because she is), I’m not thinking about her if I’m with my wife – it’s just my wife.  Women can think of more than one thing at once (another shocker), so if my wife wants to picture Thor when she’s with me, I don’t care.  Just don’t tell me about it.  It’s arguably better if she doesn’t think of someone else, but I’m more worried about her enjoying herself.  Is that a normal guy response? I don’t know; it’s not normally a topic you bring up with people: “Hey, when you’re with your spouse, who do you think about? There’s no way you can think of your partner because look at them, ew.”

The one thing I do know is I never recommend cold turkey quitting with this because it’s different than with drinking and drugs – sex like food is natural, so we can only ignore it for so long.  Add in the fact that when someone goes cold turkey they almost always have a bad moment that adds to the shame risk.  This, in turn, means they’re more likely to start doing it more as coping or like someone trying to go on a diet who screws up, “I might as well give up trying to be good.”

In situations like this, my go-to move is to ask, “What is self-control?” To me self-control is getting better at something.  If someone watches porn three times a day, can they get it to once a day? Can they eventually get it to every other day, then twice a week, and once a week until they get it to the level they want? Similarly, if they watched for an hour at a sitting can they reduce it to 10 minutes? If it’s a certain image that’s too graphic, can they find a softer version of interest? Ultimately, if someone watches porn it’s between them and God.  That being said, masturbation is a second rate form of sex and God would rather us use the gift of hormones He’s given us for their original intent: To bond a husband and wife closer together.

What’s healthier: Someone cracking and watching porn once in awhile and then shaming themselves or creating boundaries like once a week for ten minutes and, if they stick to it, praising God for helping them achieve their goal? That’s a different approach isn’t it, praising God after watching porn? The devil wants to separate us, but why does any sin need to do that? I’m free in Jesus.  When I sin like when I don’t say hi to a widow in the store because I was too selfish, I should be praising God for what Jesus did – I needed it because I’m a sinner.  I don’t want to abuse God’s grace, but I should be treating it with the praise it deserves, especially when God did it to bring us closer to Him.

The devil wants to twist rules to hurt us, but God’s rules are meant to protect us and help us grow closer to Him.  Maybe we should start praising God for His protection and grace instead of shaming ourselves and hiding from Him when we need what He offers.

This week may you consider how your sin can bring you closer to God.

Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, Learning to love dumb people (like me)