I have a good friend who was married by the time he was 20 – that’s nuts; I hadn’t had my first real girlfriend by then (like a winner). Statistically getting married before 25 doubles the risk of divorce – oops. This is largely because of how much brain development can happen with young people between the ages of 18 and 25 and the risk of young married people later feeling like they missed out on experiencing life outside of the relationship. Add in the fact that winning the heart of a woman is the major driving force for guys to do big things, so they stagnate when they settle down, which leaves the wife feeling like she’s outgrown him. My friend, however, has an incredible marriage and there’s little chance of him falling prey to this stat. What’s the main reason? His wife. He’s a solid guy who is always looking for ways to improve himself, but the key to a healthy marriage is the wife. No, this isn’t some pandering idea to help women feel empowered (women naturally have more power than men in relationships, so I don’t see why others do that). This is actually the pattern I have found as a therapist and middle-age man with lots of life experience – the healthiness of the marriage is largely based on the wife.
In many ways, my friend’s wife is like my mom. No, his wife isn’t 40 years older than him. She’s like my mom because she’s cheerful. All my life my mom has cleaned the house with a bounce in her step and whistling. No, she’s not related to the seven dwarves even though she “whistles while she works.” (I know what you’re thinking; I can quote Disney movies, so how was I single for so long?) Like most women, my mom has people pleasing tendencies (a natural result for having a strong nurturing side) and can struggle with feeling guilt when she shouldn’t, but at the same time, she finds joy in the little things like cleaning. This is a major reason my parents had such an incredible marriage – my mom is cheerful. My dad was a great man, but that was secondary because a wife who eye rolls and jabs can easily destroy a great man. Let me explain this by breaking wives into four categories.
- The Happy Wife: This is the category for my mom and my friend’s wife. These are women who are practical with fair expectations of themselves and their families, which help them be more easygoing and comfortable with who they are and where they are at. They love to laugh and they are grateful for little things, which helps them be happy – happy wife, happy life. Both are far from being a princess. They care about their appearance, but they never obsess over it. For instance, if you met my mom at any age, you’d say she was beautiful (I can only dream of aging as well as her), but when I was young, she sacrificed expensive haircuts and fashion to give more to her kids. She was more worried about being a good mom and a cheerleader for family and friends. Instead of expensive jewelry, she has a beautiful smile, a strong nurturing spirit, and an incredible heart. If you can find a wife like this, your marriage will be gold… potentially. I’ve met some women in this category who ended up divorced because they married slugs (those guys will be described later). I should also point out even though it might be coincidence that both my mom and my friend’s wife have very heartfelt relationships with God, which they will say makes a major difference for them.
- The Friendly to Others, But Nasty at Home Wife: These are the wives who are very nice in public, but at home their husbands get emotionally dumped on largely because the women are so burnt out from all they do. These women typically have impossible standards for themselves, which they also put on their partners (and possibly the kids). They’re often well intentioned people, but they struggle with shame and judgement. They are typically too tired people pleasing the world to have anything left for at home and/or their husband doesn’t have the same impossible standards as them, so he becomes a target for her contempt. These attacks can be once in awhile or more frequent like at Christmas when stress is particularly high, but these women leave their husband (and possibly kids) feeling like he can’t do anything right, which makes him give up by hiding or burning out himself.
- The Beaten Down by Life Wife: This woman gets dumped on by life and doesn’t do anything about it. She just keeps getting dumped on and she keeps taking it even though she could improve her situation. After awhile, there isn’t a lot of life left to this person who ends up struggling with mental health issues. I’ve met a number of women in this category who were very nice in public, but they sucked at making important decisions that would set them up for a better life and over time the repercussions for their poor choices added up.
- The Nasty All the Time Wives: These are women who don’t save their meanness for at home – everyone gets a taste. They can have good moments especially with their besties, but for the most part, they’re beasties. They’re the women who are quick to be offended and to be passive aggressive (i.e. manipulative, use guilt trips, accuse others of being judgemental, play a victim, accuse others of gaslighting, etc). These are the women who likely cause others to say, “I can’t be friends with women because they’re too mean.” These women can think they’re better than everyone else (aka a princess) or they can be incredibly insecure and only see the worst in life. The latter are high risk for having serious mental health issues because they have so much resentment and negativity consuming them. Women in this group can also be living the results of their bad life decisions like the Beaten Down by Life Wife, but they take their hurt out on the world instead of being beaten down.
You can argue there are other categories, but this keeps things pretty simple. It’s also a simple way to point out how wives can improve themselves like if they’re category two, they can try to have less mean moments at home. Regardless, people with the best marriages are in the first category and the ones in the second can be overall really good, but there’ll be days… and those days are very ouch for the husband.
You might also argue that you can categorize men in these as well, but I prefer to categorize them in even simpler groups:
- The Lazy Husband: Some husbands are slugs (they make me angry). They’re useless at work and useless at home. You’ve probably met a few. You might have even dated a few. If you married one, I’m sorry that happened because these guys are the worst. The scary thing is pampered or video game addicted boys are high risk for being in this category, which means this area is going to be increasing in membership over the next 10-20 years as spoiling and video game addiction appears to be on the rise.
- The Hard Worker at Work & Lazy at Home Husband: This husband is the type of guy who wears himself out at work and has nothing left for the family because he’s either too exhausted or he can’t be bothered. This is the impression a lot of people have of the 50s type husband, but that is actually far from the truth. I recently heard a wife say her husband asks her to get him a drink or sandwich while he rests – what? That’s not how it’s supposed to work. If my mom was getting up to get a drink for herself, she’d ask if anyone else wanted one (that’s just polite), but otherwise my dad got his own drink and sandwich (like a normal person). My dad was born in the 40s and he worked hard at work and at home just like both my grandpas. Anyone who thinks women are meant to serve isn’t living a 50s mindset; they’re living a lazy/jerk mindset.
Please Note: I would say that both these lazy categories for guys are more likely to be mean to their partners because they have to protect their laziness. I would also argue guys aren’t manipulative – that takes too much work. A lot of guys aren’t even smart enough for that. Plus, you have to listen to people in order to know how to manipulate – there’s a strike against men being able to manipulate. Women, on the other hand, are capable. Women are also more likely to accuse men of being manipulative because either they are or they know women who are, but again, men are rarely conniving; we’re drawn to being lazy, especially at home.
- The All Round Hard Worker Husband: All my friends would be in this category (like my dad and grandpas were). They are husbands who do well at their jobs and then come home and engage in the household responsibilities. What’s the secret to raising men into being real men like this? They all excelled at something (e.g. a sport, an instrument, or academics) and they did chores at home without being paid. Pampering boys is the worst thing we can do if we want them to be in this category – make your kids work and make them learn they can’t get everything they want, especially if they don’t work for it. The risk for men in this category is burning out if they are made to feel like they’re not good enough over a long time, which can lead to them turning into the second category and/or having addiction or cheating issues as they look for ways to cope with feeling burnt out and unloved.
I hope these basic categories can be helpful for you to know how you can grow and possibly feel good about yourselves (e.g. Yea, I could be worse).
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)