One of the most common complaints I hear from people is they want to feel supported. Makes sense doesn’t it? It’s good to feel supported… but what does that mean? What’s interesting is the people most adamant that they want to feel supported (e.g. young people wanting more supportive parents or spouses wanting to have more supportive partners) typically have no idea what that even means. Their initial reaction is to say something that suggests they want to be told they’re right… ummm, that’s not support. This means the people being complained about don’t have a chance: “You should just say I’m right.” (other person) “So do you want me to lie and set you up for failure or should I disagree with you and have you resent me?” Having different opinions is healthy, but in our culture of “do what makes you happy,” it’s hard to have people disagree with us because aren’t I allowed to do what I want and when I want? It’s like we’ve confused support with being spoiled.
Support is just that – a bonus. When I climb a tall ladder I’m supposed to have someone at the bottom holding it to help prevent it from tipping. My weight is on the ladder not the person. If it were, that person would now be my ladder/step stool. I don’t need the person holding the ladder (I’ve proven that more often than my wife will ever know), they’re a bonus. The support keeps me safer… and why I typically don’t bother having anyone hold the ladder for me – I’m fine. Yes, like a lot of passive people I hate asking for help. I’d rather put myself in danger than put someone out, which is something I need to work on, especially since helping each other is how we build relationships. Independence is actually incredibly unhealthy.
Last summer I was at an outdoor market… you know, the place most guys love to be dragged: “Oh good, a bunch of stuff I don’t care about. I’m glad I’m here.” The one booth had a local author who wrote a children’s book that promoted independence. I wanted to ask her if her writing was a book projecting her own issues or if that’s really an important lesson for children to hear: “You don’t need your parents… even though the current and projected housing market means you’ll need to live with your parents for most of your life or you’ll be living paycheck to paycheck struggling to pay the insane rent prices.” I obviously didn’t say anything. I have some social skills: “Can I make you second guess something you’re really proud of and think is amazing?” It makes me sad that people have been so mislead to believe we should be “independent” like that’s some great accomplishment when really it’s a sign of being too cowardly or arrogant to ask for help, especially when life is best in community. Being in community is how we find our value, purpose, connection. Independence is how we find loneliness, ignorance, selfishness, and health problems like early onset dementia. In community, we find support. By ourselves, we find unnecessary trouble.
It’s healthy to want to feel supported because that means we’re part of something bigger than ourselves. Unfortunately it’s rare to find anyone who can really define what support means. I was recently challenged with defining it. I started by saying, “It basically means the person tells you you’re right…” That’s a joke… not a good one, but some things are just for me. Before we consider the categories I gave, let’s consider what support is not: Advice. I don’t know why, but the most common mistake people make when they’re trying to be supportive is to tell the other person what to do (aka they’re bossy). What’s even dumber is some advice givers will get angry when the person doesn’t take their advice. It’s like we’ve been taught others following our advice is how we know they respect us, but that’s not respect; that’s obedience. Respect is treating someone as an equal. Coincidentally telling someone what to do is NOT treating them like an equal. It’s saying, “I don’t know the whole situation, but with my blind person’s glimpse that’s dripping in my own preconceived bias and my bias toward you, I can solve your complicated problem in a couple seconds – I’m that brilliant…or you’re that dumb.” Giving advice is also a bad choice because it often feels like criticism: “Take my advice because you’re too dumb to do this on your own.” Unfortunately, advice appears to be the go-to for a lot of listeners.
As someone who wants to be helpful, I’ve had to curb my arrogant, solve-your-problem when it’s none of my business part of my brain. As a guy, trying to fix people’s problems is pretty natural just like it is for mom’s because it’s a provider and protector thing: “I want to help; do what I tell you.” I’ve found the best way to curb this problem is to replace advice with questions: “When they did (thing), do you think they were trying to (option 1) or (option 2).” These types of questions take effort on my part unlike “How does that make you feel?” which is a garbage question: “Here’s a question that has little value beyond letting me not really pay attention.” These two option questions also mean I’m not assuming the worst of the other party while helping the person sharing process the situation for themselves, which is the main goal for the listener.
So what does real support look like?
- Space: Sometimes the best support we can offer someone feels like neglect: “I should be helping you.” (person) “Yeah, not bugging me would be great.” I find this is more commonly appreciated by men, which is one of the reasons we tend to offer space to our wives when that’s not what they want.
- Engaging: Where men tend to like being given space, women typically prefer to be engaged and given an opportunity to share, especially when sharing is how they feel connection and allows them to process things. This is where questions become helpful instead of giving advice.
- Gestures: Sometimes the best support is found through random gestures. For instance, this past week my wife and I received a meal from a couple at our church and from a church representative (our church has a committee responsible for giving meals to people going through big changes like having a newborn). I have to say, this experience has given me a whole new appreciation for being part of a community. I should point out I’ve met a few people who hated that others gave them meals because they took it as an insult – they were nuts. I mention this because even in generosity we need to be careful the receiver is worth giving to.
- Affirming: Whether words or actions, support is affirming the person: “This is a really hard spot,” “Wow, I’m so sorry you’re going through this,” or “This shows you’re loved.” Affirming isn’t saying the person is right; it’s acknowledging what the person is experiencing and is meant to help them feel understood. This falls under the “Yes and” lesson I’ve taught before.
Tip: It’s important to know what you’re supporting. One of the greatest challenges for support people is knowing what they’re supporting. For instance, are you more focused on supporting the person in the moment or the bigger picture or are you more focused on supporting the relationship as a whole: “If you supported me, I would be able to quit my job and pursue my dream of being a dinosaur.” (spouse) “Because I support you, I won’t let you make a decision that will lead you to falling on your face and/or me resenting you because I’m paying all the bills while you have fun.” Of course, this kind of experience is very tricky because it can easily feel like control and stubbornness on both sides.
This week may you consider what it means to be supportive.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, Learning to love dumb people (like me)