Last weekend I did what every husband dreams of doing, share a hotel room with 5 people including his mother-in-law and sister-in-law. If you didn’t notice the sarcasm in that, how about in this? It was the most romantic weekend my wife and I have spent together. Who would arrange for such a trip? Take a guess… it was me with the encouragement of my wife. No, we’re not sadistic; we are a family who gets along really well… well, most of the time. Ever see sisters grow up together? When there are just two girls in a family, they rarely grow up best friends. My wife and her sister would fall into the “normal” sister relationship category. Fortunately, not living together can make a huge difference. So if they didn’t get along when they lived together when they were younger what will happen when you put them in a hotel room together for a long weekend? It’s just like the good ol’ days… yes, saying “good ol’ days” is more sarcasm. The funniest memory connected to this is early in the relationship with my wife when her and her sister lived together, I was sitting in the living room with my now brother-in-law through marriage calmly talking to each other while down the hall the two sisters were not so calmly talking to each other. It was quite the contrast. The funny part is during this conversation something caught my eye and when I looked down I noticed my now brother-in-law through marriage’s shorts were not performing properly and I had to say, “Mike, I can see your testicles. Can you please fix that?” It was the strangest line I’ve ever had to say, and proof that old shorts with holes in the crotch area aren’t the best shorts to wear in front of people who aren’t blind. The shorts would’ve been very popular at a gay bar, but not in this situation. Later when the girls joined us we were still laughing about it… us laughing when they were fighting didn’t look so good. It didn’t help when I blurted I saw Mike’s Michael bits… Good times.
So what can you do to help a sensitive relationship? Here are 7 tips:
- Remember it takes 2 for a conflict: If there’s a conflict, we are half the problem. Don’t just blame the other person or yourself. Consider what you can do differently because acting differently will lead to a different response from the other person… unless they’re that stuck, but then your fault is trying to have a healthy relationship with someone who’s incapable of having one.
- Assume the best of the other person: If we assume the other person is trying to hurt us, we will be more defensive and quicker to attack, but when we assume the other person cares about us, it can help us be more patient and to be ready to clarify the misunderstanding.
- Don’t defend yourself unless the other person asks: When there’s a fight, we typically want to defend ourselves, but the other person couldn’t care less why we did something; they just want to know that we care they are hurt. Instead of defending yourself, be quicker to listen, show compassion, and be ready to apologize if needed.
- Filter what you say: Don’t just say what you want and how you want to say it. Try to speak in a way that won’t hurt the other person and make them want to defend themselves. Your tone speaks volumes.
- Know what you want: If you want the relationship to grow, remember this to help prevent you from saying anything that will have lasting damage. If you want to end the relationship then make it clear you want it to be over… not hard to do. If you want to be a huge jerk, be a huge jerk… really not hard to do. Just don’t be a huge jerk and expect the other person to want to still be friends.
- Look beyond the surface: There is always something more going on beneath the surface. When someone is angry it means they feel threatened in some way. It’s also a sign they want to feel love, respect, understood, and/or appreciated. If you can figure this out, you can prevent a fight.
- Focus on kindness: If you can be kind, the other person won’t be as defensive and quick to attack you… unless they’re insane. Being kind ultimately, protects you from more hurt. This also connects to being quicker to listen and watching what you say and how you say it.
This week may you use these tools to have better relationships
Rev Chad David, www.ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people