A Brilliant Idea

I wish women were followed by their own background music. Just like in movies where it helps give you an idea of the mood, a woman’s background music would help tell me what she’s feeling or thinking in order to prevent me from screwing things up. This would help make life so much easier like when a girl says: “I don’t know what I want for dinner. You choose,” which every man who has been around girls knows is a lie; she knows what she wants, she just doesn’t want to say it. Background music would be fantastic because I could just listen to what it said: “I feel like chicken tonight; like chicken tonight.” Great, now I know where to say I want to go, which means we both win. Women are great at encrypted messages like “Here’s my number; call me… maybe.” (Carly Jepsen) Maybe? Is that a sign that you want me to call, or are you just being nice? What do I do? With background music, I could just listen to it and know the answer: “You think you might have a chance/I don’t think so.” (Kelis) Wanting to ask out a girl would be so much easier: “Hey, how are you?” and no matter what she said I could listen to the background to know the truth: “You can’t touch this.” (MC Hammer). Okay, now I know; never mind. This would make everything easier even something as simple as bad breath: “Juicy Fruit is going to move you.” Oh shoot thanks. How many fights could be avoided if a guy heard in the background: “Shut up/Just shut up/Shut up” (Black Eyed Peas), or if I did something wrong I’d hear: “You jerk/You’re such a jerk” (Kim Stockwood) thereby making my position very clear, and help me know it’s time to apologize. On the other hand, I’d always know where I stood: “I just want to cuddle/ I want to cuddle all night/ and for you to rub my feet.” (Song my girlfriend sings; it’s not an actual song, although I think Taylor Swift is trying to do something with this). Or, on really rare occasions, in the background I could hear: “You and me baby ain’t nothing but mammals…” (Bloodhound Gang) which I think is a song about light kissing and nuzzling. Of course, even if girls had background music, that would likely be just as confusing: “I’m not a girl, not yet a woman.” (Britney Spears) What? That doesn’t make any sense. You’re not a girl or a woman… is this an alien thing?

Of course, if guys had songs in the background, it’d be a pretty limited selection. For guys at a club you’d keep hearing “Macho, macho man,” (Village People) unless they were looking for love, which would mean you’d hear: “Don’t break my heart; my achy breaky heart.” (Billy Ray Cyrus). Although, most of the time you’d be hearing either: “Let’s get it on” (Marvin Gaye), or: “Booty, booty, booty, booty rockin’ everywhere” (thank you Bubba Sparks for these classy lyrics). On the other hand, for the committed male, there’d also be the male equivalent of “You drive me crazy” (Britney Spears) which would be less about attraction and more about: “What? I don’t understand what’s going on. You’re driving me crazy!” The song that would get us guys in the most trouble, however, would be when our partner was upset, and we didn’t really care so in the background all you could hear is “Cry me a river/ Cry me a river-er, yea yea.” (Justin Timberlake). The most popular song to describe what a man is thinking, however, would be the intellectual equivalent of “Mahna mahna… do doo be-do-do,” because, let’s be honest, there’s not always a lot going on up top.

The truth is there are some things we need to keep to ourselves, which means we need to give people their privacy. For instance, my journal is for my eyes only. When I die, I don’t want people reading it. I want it burned before prying eyes can see it. The same thing applies to things like sex tapes… I was a Hulkster as a kid, but I don’t want to see the damage a lifetime of steroids does to a body. Some things in life are meant to remain private – like your privates – and others are meant to be shared like confessions, venting, and what we want. Our society, however, needs to be better at the following:

1. Being careful to whom we share our feeling and intimate thoughts and actions

2. How we share them

3. Not hiding what doesn’t need to be hidden

We need to be quicker to share what we want – ladies please tell your man what you want; remember we have the intellectual awareness of “Mahna Mahna”, so be very clear with us – and to keep private what needs to remain private. When simple boundaries like these can be understood, our relationships will be quicker to lead us to the happiness we desire.