I believe adult bullying is much more rampant today and causing more damage than childhood bullying because as adults we have little course of action or room for complaint; we’re just stuck or it feels that way. The three main places where adult bullying is experienced:
- Work
- Marriage/Family
- Within ourselves (i.e. we can be really mean to ourselves with things like exaggerated guilt and fear)
As kids, bullying is typically by an older and/or bigger kid picking on someone smaller. As an adult, it’s not the size, but the position that creates the bullying. For instance, bosses and customers can become bullies leaving us with little say. Sometime people even assume the role of a boss over us whether a co-worker or a spouse, and sometimes our extended family can force a sense of hierarchy over us. We can even feel small because someone else is given preferential treatment. No matter what the situation, the problem is we think and/or feel like we have to just take it. Whether the other person means to or not, they can become a bully when they no longer encourage us to have an opinion or a feeling that we have a right to disagree. We have to just take it, which leaves us broken.
When people talk about the good old days I think they’re talking about the days when we could punch each other in the face. It’d be like in Braveheart where the two boys at the beginning of the movie get upset so they just hit each other. We wouldn’t have to fake pleasantries or pretend to love our bosses; we could just share our feelings in a non verbal way. The best thing about this idea is it makes me sound more like a man, which I don’t get accused of very often. Unfortunately we can’t do this. Kids can get away with this, but as an adult, you can’t punch your bully in the face because… well, you can go to jail and jail’s not cool… so I hear. Plus, since work bullies are normally bosses, punching him or her can lead to being fired, or at least having a horrible reference, which is also bad… although better than prison. But wouldn’t it be great if we could do that? If we could just punch our bully in the face? Who hasn’t at one point looked at a boss and thought: “If I was allowed…” Wouldn’t it be awesome if we could say: “With all due respect…” POW! BOP! ZONK! ZOWY! (thanks original Batman (aka Fat Batman) for these words). How many women would pay for the chance to sock their mother –in-laws in the nose when they became too controlling or meddling? It would be so nice to finally not have to just take it… but as an adult, we sometimes do in order to keep our job or even the peace.
The problem with just taking it and not being able to stand up for ourselves is one of three things are going to happen:
- We’ll explode (an unusual aggressive behavior the person later regrets)
- We’ll implode (person suffers depression and/or anxiety)
- Transference of aggression (person takes anger out on a random person, pet or object)
What’s the solution? Healthy venting (e.g. hitting a punching bag, screaming into a pillow, chopping wood, etc) can help, but ultimately we need to figure out a way to feel like we have a say. We need to figure out what it would mean to stand up for ourselves in a healthy way. We shouldn’t punch the person in the face, but we essentially need the metaphorical version of this; we need to figure out what will make us feel less like a servant and more like a person of worth. We need to be assertive and share our feelings in a way that doesn’t hurt us or the other person. Unfortunately, this is where the answer is open to the situation and people involved. There is never a clear answer, but it’s a challenge that can make the difference between enjoying our job and resenting it, enjoying our family and hating them, and being happy alone and hating it.
This week may you begin to discover what it means to stand up for yourself and to let others stand up for themselves, so no one is just taking it anymore.
Rev Chad David, www.ChadDavid.ca, www.EmotionalSex.ca