Am I Cheating?

I recently spent a weekend at a relationship conference in Ottawa where I ran a booth and led some seminars as a way to promote my book Emotional Sex: Making Good Relationships Great.  I did this same event last March in Toronto, which was when I met Rachelle Wilde, the Playboy Bunny… the sweet, sweet Playboy Bunny.  Throughout weekends like this vendors tend to connect with each other.  As Saturday’s show came to an end, a very attractive young lady came by my booth to see what it was about.  She was working with a photographer at the event as a salesperson and demonstration model… I said she was attractive right?  This photographer was promoting her abilities to take pictures that were sexier in nature and the girl I was now talking to was dressed to suit this image as she was wearing a pair of jeans and a bra…  just a bra. I know wearing a bra is normal, but it’s normally covered, or at least most of it is covered, but not this time… I’m pretty sure I said she was attractive, but just in case, let me say she was really attractive.  So here I am talking with this very attractive young lady who’s in just a bra, and I am trying my darndest to not start giggling or to say something stupid like: “Hee hee hee hee you’re only wearing a bra and I’m as mature as a 14 year old boy.”  To add to this I’m trying to be proper because  it’s been well advertised that I’m a Reverend, so the last thing I want is for people to see me checking out the girls when I have a position I’m trying to keep somewhat respected.  Sure the boy in me wanted to pretend her face was below her neck so I could stare, but I focused very, very, very hard on keeping eye contact… and not wishing I had a lazy eye that pointed down.

We ended up chatting for a while because it was so slow.  As the conversation continued, I started to wonder: “Is she flirting with me?”  Now remember this is the male ego at work, so there’s a good chance she wasn’t, but in my head I’m thinking: “Yeah, she is flirting with me.  Way to go pastor boy.”  Again, she may not have been flirting with me… after all she knew I was a youth pastor… but I want to believe she was so yes, a good looking girl in a bra flirted with me.  There were certainly signs that would suggest this like she continually got closer as we talked; even as I subtly backed up she followed.  She also enjoyed sharing her background and there were a number of times she purposely touched my arm.  Again, this may have just been her way of communicating because I saw her being friendly with everyone around her, but I want to believe she was flirting with me so that’s what happened.  I should mention that my girlfriend is great at telling me I’m good looking, but who doesn’t like having someone flirt with you, especially when she’s very attractive; it’s a great compliment and as a guy, a big ego boost: “Yea, I’m not old and gross yet.”  On my drive back to the hotel I was reflecting on this exchange and I wondered if I did anything wrong; did I cheat in some way?  I was hoping she was flirting with me, but is that wrong?  I started to do a check in my mind:

First question: was I flirting with her? I was friendly, but was I overly friendly?  The thought of a girl flirting with me typically makes me a little giddy, which could lead to me being friendlier than normal, but I controlled where my eyes went and refrained from any real flirting.

Second question: did I enjoy the conversation and the thought that she may have been flirting? Yes, but there’s nothing wrong with feeling good at this since it’s a great compliment.

Third question: did I mention I have a girlfriend?  Normally I do, but in this conversation where the extent of my talking was more “Uh huhn,” “That’s pretty cool,” and “Wow,” I didn’t really have the opportunity.  Plus, I don’t want to be like some girls I’ve met who mention their boyfriend like some type of force field: (girl) “I have a boyfriend.” (me confused) “I just asked how your day was.”  At the same time I was very open about having a girlfriend in my seminars and book, so it wasn’t a secret.

Fourth question: did this hurt my girlfriend at all?  No.  If anything, my girlfriend thinks it’s funny when I try to talk to really attractive girls because I’m so terrible at it it’s hilarious: (me) “How you screw’n… I mean do’n… how you do’n… never mind,” (walk away in shame).

Final question: did I pursue further connection with this girl?  Fortunately, this was a definite no because lines are crossed into cheating territory when we purposely go out of our way to seek time with the person.  For instance, I could have said to her: “Hey, we’re almost done here why don’t we grab a coffee; I’d love to hear more.”  Sure I would’ve liked to hear more because I like meeting people, but this would be a bad idea even if the intention was just coffee. Connecting further is dangerous because it can foster temptation for more and initiate cheating thoughts. The truth is the more we indulge in dangerous pleasures the more we want.

The good thing about me having some self-control and not pursuing further connection is I soon found out we know some of the same people, so if anything had happened, I would’ve been screwed.  Thus, sometimes refraining is the best gift we can give ourselves because it keeps us out of trouble.

This week may you initiate and/or maintain boundaries that protect yourself from yourself in order to enjoy good looking people talking to you, but not crossing the line to cheating territory.

Rev Chad David, Emotional Sex, emotional tune up