As someone who has been working with couples for a long time it’s always exciting to see something new that leaves me wondering, “How didn’t I see that before?” I should point out that working with couples, the patterns don’t vary all that much. Considering there are four communication styles and four main conflict situations, there isn’t a lot of variety as an observer. A lot of times it’s like hearing a Christmas carol being redone by an artist. I know the basic song, but there are some slight variations that make it personal to them. The couple I was working with when I had my realization was a pretty standard couple and nothing special happened; something just clicked. All the wife in this couple wanted was for her husband to help her feel cared about (a universal problem in marriage), but the husband was more worried about winning her approval (another universal problem in marriage), which left her feeling dismissed and him criticized (a very common situation). For whatever reason, listening to the couple my brain reduced it to a simple problem: “Am I okay?” versus “Are you okay?” Like many husbands, he was essentially asking, “Am I okay?” (aka “Am I good enough?”), but what she needed was more of a mom approach because moms are known for asking, “Are you okay?” I find women typically have a stronger nurturing side, which helps them be more attentive of others even to their own detriment. Five years ago I convinced my 72 year old mom to join my family on a trip to Disney (my oldest was under two, so she was free for flights and admission – that’s ideal). The trip ended up landing on the hottest couple days of the year – not ideal. With humidity, it hit fifty degrees – definitely not ideal. Despite being 72 years old and walking around Disney – something that’s hard for any age and in decent weather– she never complained once. Instead, she was quick to ask each of us, “Are you okay?” and not in the “I’m asking because I want you to ask me” kind of way. I know my mom is pretty special, but I can see my wife doing the same thing at that age. Moms are so good at caring for others. Men? Not so much. Regardless of the reason, a lot of women are desperate for their husband to ask, “Are you okay?” in order to feel cared about and understood.
Unfortunately, when a woman wants to feel like the husband cares about her by him asking, “Are you okay?” it’s hard for her to see that he’s actually asking, “Am I okay?” because it feels like he’s in a third category: “I don’t care; you don’t matter.” This is often far from true (unless the woman married a total jerk), but that’s how it typically feels. When you’re exhausted from caring about others and desperately want someone to show the same care to you, it makes sense that when you don’t receive what you need from your partner, it feels like you’re being dismissed. What most women need to remember is that normal guys grow up wanting to impress a woman/women. Biologically this makes sense. Guys need to earn the right to procreate. We need to prove our worth: (guy showing off) “Trust me, you want my genes. They’re pretty special. Look at how I can change diapers while sleeping.” A woman’s approval is also something we’re often used to having. Many boys grow up with their mom’s saying “You’re so strong,” You’re so smart,” and as we get older that’s what we’re looking for in a partner, which is basically asking, “Am I okay?” Do you approve? Men might also be bad at asking “Are you okay?” because we’re often more easygoing, which can lead to us being thoughtless: “I’m fine; you should be.” The fourth reason that likely has a strong influence in the guy focusing on the question, “Am I okay?” is because the woman in our life is often the most critical of us (can I write that?) and women being critical of their husbands makes sense because if I don’t dress appropriately, who gets judged, me or my wife? My wife. And who’s most likely doing the judging? Women. It all comes together doesn’t it? Typically the only guys who judge other guys’ fashion choices are thinking, “How come I can’t wear that?” or “My wife would kill me if I wore that.”
Early in a relationship a lot of women are good at helping their guy feel approval, especially when the woman is willing to get jiggy with him: “You won’t slap me if I try to touch you? You must really like me!” After a baby is born, however, this often becomes a drain on the relationship: (guy) “Am I okay?” (wife now mom) “I’m busy with the baby. Don’t be another child I have to encourage.” This can be a very confusing switch for the guy because at one point he felt like he mattered, but now? This is when his own mom’s importance returns: (his mom) “You are more than okay. You’re amazing!” This idea was blatantly obvious on the Disney trip I did with my family this past year (I might have an obsession with Disney, and my mom might have an obsession with not wanting to hear me beg her to join for more than a month). My daughters were five and my almost three (under three is free at the parks – free is my favorite price). My wife was so good at caring for their needs and my mom was so good at caring about my needs – it was the perfect combo. All the needy people were taken care of. Waiting in lines, while I was holding both of my daughters in my arms at the same time, my mom was soooooo good at asking, “Are you okay?” She was also excellent at asking my wife “Are you okay?” which helped my wife feel cared about, especially when she was often feeling forgotten by our kids. They were too busy fighting for my attention, their other grandma’s, and my sister’s when they wanted to mix it up (five adults to two kids is the only way to travel). Instead of feeling sorry for herself, my mom took on the role of caregiver in a different way as she cared for my wife and I, and it was incredible, especially since we were both pretty lousy at asking each other, “Are you okay?” My wife was better than me, but we were both too busy struggling with our own issues to have the energy or even thought to ask the other person, “Are you okay?” Or maybe we’re both a little too selfish. Either way, my mom was a great teacher of the importance of someone asking, “Are you okay?” and why sometimes married people need a third person to remind them we need to be careful not to forget our partner’s needs because we’re too wrapped up in our own.
One of the main reasons a normal guy uses, “Am I okay?” and not “I don’t care; you don’t matter,” because if follows “If I’m okay, can we have sex?” or more likely “If I’m okay, does that mean we don’t have to fight?” Sometimes the guy breaks and it switches to “I know I’m not okay in your eyes, so I might as well drink,” or “I know I’m not okay, so I’m going to hide from you in order to avoid being yelled at, criticized or seeing the dirty looks.”
The “I don’t care, you don’t matter,” does exist, but I find it more the mindset of a resentful woman, but it’s more of the “You don’t care about me, so I don’t care about you,” or “I’m tired of doing everything; I can’t let you matter anymore. I’m too burnt out. For both genders it can look like “You don’t ask ‘Are you okay?’ but this person at work does so screw you; I’m getting closer to them than I should.” This option is very dangerous in marriage, but I would say it’s more likely to feel this way than to actually be this way. At least at first… eventually loneliness can make people snap because an opportunity arises and they’re “I don’t care because I’m too hurt to realize I’m doing something wrong,” or “I don’t care because I deserve to feel cared about.” This “I don’t care,” position is normally from snapping under pressure… or they’re a selfish, entitled, emotionally cruel jerk.
Tip: Probably the worst thing we can do to make our partners feel the “I don’t care,” is being on our phone even if it’s while in front of a TV. There’s a feeling of “I’d rather be somewhere else than with you.”
The “I don’t care; you don’t matter,” option is what people are likely to feel outside of the home largely because people don’t care. For instance, my wife recently got stuck calling government services and they accidently disconnected her six times and then she’d have to call back waiting up to an hour each time. They didn’t care. I’ve had similar frustrations calling Bell, but instead of disconnecting me, they bounced me to another area and then another area and another and another. I once got bounced six times before I finally was given the help I needed, which I was told should’ve been handled with the first person I talked to. Oddly enough, that was the one time I wasn’t asked if I wanted to do a survey after my service. I wonder why?
Because the world is so full of people who are “I don’t care; you don’t matter,” we all the more need to be offering the “Are you okay?” to our loved ones.
Conclusion: We need to find the balance of “Am I okay?” and “Are you okay?” Neither side is better. They are just different, and they both have their value, which is why we need to be considering our own needs as well as others in a healthy balance.
Rev Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)