As a therapist I have heard some pretty terrible life stories… no, I’m no bragging; I’m not that weird. I hear everything from suicidal desires to domestic abuse to molestation and assault… you know, not your typical dinner party conversations: (victim) “It’s so good to meet you; let me tell you why I’m so emotionally scarred as an adult.” Dark humor can be a fantastic tool that helps in tough conversations. This, however, has to be done carefully because a joke at the wrong time can break all sense of trust and safety that’s needed for these tougher conversations. That being said, the right joke in a dark situation can lead to the biggest laughs because there’s so much tension your body is craving a release. But, this article isn’t about using humor because that’s too difficult a thing to teach in a simple blog, and I don’t want to set anyone up for failure. This post is more practical and simple than that. If you want to forgive someone for the hurt they’ve caused you, it’s important to know what it is that hurt you. I’m guessing this statement makes a lot of sense: (reader) “Oh, to forgive the hurt I need to know what it is. You’re a genius. No wonder people pay so much money to see you as a therapist.” The reality is, however, when we’re hurt we don’t usually stop to think why it hurts us. We just know it hurts. If this is the case, there’s something under the surface. It’s not that someone yelled at you, ignored you, or doesn’t like you, but there’s something about these actions that hurts. After I have built some trust with a client I will eventually look at naming the hurt that haunts them. When you can name what it is that hurt you then you will have a focus on what you need to forgive. Without this step, you just see the action or event, which is so general it’s harder to address. When I teach the 7 Steps to Forgive, this is an important step in this process.
Examples for names of hurts you may have experienced:
Abandoned
Betrayed
Rejected
Unsafe
Not heard
Blamed
Not trusted
Unappreciated
Disrespected
Devalued
Looked down upon
Judged
Seen as a failure
Seen as stupid
Seen as insignificant
Invisible
Unloved
If you’ve been hurt and want or need to tell the person who did this it’s best to be able to phrase it in a way like this: “I was hurt because I felt (name of hurt) when you (what happened).” This makes it about you and less of an attack on the other person who will likely want to be defensive. For example, “I was hurt because I felt rejected when you didn’t hug me good bye;” “I was hurt because I felt unappreciated when you didn’t notice I cleaned the house,” “I was hurt because I felt abandoned when you didn’t call,” or “I was hurt because I felt betrayed when you cheated on me.” Of course, the bigger offenses like abuse can lead to a number of these hurts being experienced, but at least naming what hurt gives you a starting point for addressing it and not just seeing yourself as abused, which can leave us stuck.
This week may you be able to name the hurts that get you so you can address them easier.
Rev Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, Learning to love dumb people