This week I was asked by a very ashamed looking individual if suicidal thoughts are normal? Suicide has become a lot like cancer insofar that we all know someone who has been affected by it, especially in light of the tragic loss of Robin Williams. Unfortunately, unlike those who suffer from cancer, people who experience suicidal thoughts end up keeping it to themselves because there’s typically a level of shame to it. As a teen, suicidal thoughts seem to be more acceptable, and there are a number of resources to help when this is an issue whether parents, peers, teachers, and organizations like the Kid’s Help Phone, but as an adult, the options diminish. There aren’t likely any teachers to help and bosses aren’t usually people with whom we want to share our hurts. Plus, parents are more likely to have passed on, friends are busier, and spouses may be someone we’re too afraid to tell because it can seem like an insult or lead to their overprotection. On top of this, there is a long standing stigma attached to suicide because of the Catholic Church while many people simply say that it’s a selfish act. To me, taking the last piece of cake without offering to share is selfish, but suicide is in a whole other category. The truth is suicidal thoughts are completely normal for certain personalities. If you’re someone who yells a lot, fights, or you’re generally outspoken, you’re not likely going to have these thoughts because you’re getting your aggression out. Likely candidates are often more passive in nature, which means they are the type of person who bottle things up and/or absorb hurt like a sponge in order to reduce conflict. These people simply take it and take it and take it until one day they snap. This is either going to be an explosion through aggressive behavior like yelling, hitting, shooting, or self harm, or they’re going to implode, which leads to things like anxiety, depression and possibly suicidal thoughts. Suicide isn’t so much being selfish as much as it is caused by one of these 4 reasons:
- To avoid a worse fate: This is a popular option for people in a war about to be captured and for people diagnosed with a debilitating disease who don’t want to put their families through the pain of seeing them deteriorate and having to take care of them. This is obviously the opposite of selfish.
- Spite: Sometimes suicidal thoughts and the desire to do it are a way to hurt someone. It follows the ‘I’ll show them’ mentality, which is more about revenge than selfishness.
- Obsession: In the documentary, The Bridge, which discusses the stories of people who jump off the Golden Gate Bridge, the most popular way to commit suicide, the people who killed themselves became obsessed with the idea. It’s essentially a form of obsessive compulsive disorder (OCD), but instead of washing your hands or checking the stove you fantasize about jumping. This is less about being selfish and more about mental illness.
- Solution: When you’re desperately hopeless, suicide becomes a very viable option. Death can appear to be a relief from the pain. It’s not about hurting others as much as letting the pain end.
Suicidal thoughts are not something we should be telling everyone about: (guy at bus stop) “Want to know how I’d kill myself?” and they’re also not something we should be ashamed of, but they are something we need to address because they are a sign that something in your life isn’t right. If you have suicidal thoughts you should seek the proper help, which may simply mean telling a trusted person because secrets are dangerous. If you have anything more than just the odd passing thought like you have a plan of how to do it, a means to do it, (e.g. you’d jump off a bridge and you live in San Francisco), or you have a motivating factor, you need to be seek professional help immediately; call a local therapist, church, or doctor. If it’s an emergency situation you can even call the police. Suicidal thoughts may be something we have, but there is a point where we need to cry out for help.
Rev Chad David, www.ChadDavid.ca, Learning to love dumb people