Are you a good person? There’s a chance you are or at one point have been a turd bucket. That’s not a great way to start a lesson (although I bet it got your attention). If it helps, I used to regularly be a turd bucket. I wasn’t the best at it since my compassion has always been a little low compared to my competitiveness, but it was still an issue. Fortunately, I’ve turned it around to be pretty good at not being turd bucket. If anything, I’ve gone too far the other way where I’m potentially hurtful with my candor (like how I point out that good people can be a turd bucket to begin a lesson). From my experience, it’s much better being accused of being too honest than being a turd bucket because the latter leaves you feeling dirty and used… like a turd bucket.
So what is turd bucket? It’s what the title suggests: It’s someone who carries and protects turds. Turd buckets enable turds to be turds. They have good intentions, but they end up being taken for granted and at high risk of burn out or they can simply get very hurt and left feeling alone – it’s not great.
And what is a turd? Someone who makes the world worse. They’re bad people who aren’t contributing to the greater community and don’t care because others don’t matter. I’m sure you can think of a few people who stink like this. There’s probably someone in your family or friend group that fits that title. These people use others, lack appreciation, never apologize, and never offer to help in return when you need a hand. Even in conversation they only seem to care about themselves they don’t even bother to ask you questions about how you’re doing beyond “Hey, how’s it going?” which is a greeting and not a real question. They don’t show any interest in others beyond hearing their point in order to try to show them up in some way. The biggest problem with turds is they will twist everything into some type of attack or drama in order to feel sorry for themselves. Meanwhile, turds can be some of the most vicious people you meet if you don’t give them what they want or if you try calling them out on their turdness. They love to throw pity parties for themselves as they enjoy wallowing in their own misery, and as you can expect, those parties are pretty crappy (get it? FYI Lame humor doesn’t make you a turd; it makes you lame – I own it).
All of these things fall under the passive aggressive category, which is about having control and power. This type of control and power is more about gaining sympathy from others since that often leads to them being tools to be used while the wallower gets away with not doing anything they should to better their situation – why make it better when you want power? If anything, calling them “turds” is insulting to turds because actual turds can be used for fertilizer later and benefit the world while these people are just a drain on society.
Tip: People who are quick to accuse others of being turds without any consideration of themselves first are typically the turds. Meanwhile, good people usually worry about themselves being bad before accusing others. Good people are more likely to read lessons like this, which means since you’re reading this there’s a higher chance you’re a turd bucket… or you’re a little too blunt like me.
Occasionally the turd can also be the bucket – there’s a gross yet redundant object. It’s like the KFC chicken and donut sandwich (a real thing). In these cases, it’s pretty easy to recognize the bucket also being a turd because helping others is about gaining admiration from others. It’s showing off rather than being kind. Think most politicians being “helpful.”
The greatest strength of a turd is they’re really good at finding someone to carry them. It’s like they have a sixth sense for finding a good intentioned person they can hook in. The unfortunate truth is even if a turd bucket stops being a turd bucket, the turd will likely find another bucket to carry them. The hope, however, is by stopping the enabling turds will smarten up and be less turd like or at least become more useful in some way. Unfortunately, this rarely happens since they’ll likely find another bucket to carry them.
Meanwhile, one of the greatest challenges for good people is to not be a turd bucket. Good people naturally want to help others. Sometimes helping people is exactly what is needed to make the situation better, which is why helping is seen as such a positive thing. Other times, we need to let people fall on their face (I mentioned I can be too honest). Sometimes the worst thing you can do is help because the person needs to be given space to figure things out on their own and/or face the repercussions they deserve. Are you thinking basement trolls who play video games all day going nowhere, but are fine because their parents let them do this? That’d be one option. Are you thinking giving hard earned money to able bodied people at the side of the road who should be working, but know they can make quick money mooching off of good hearted people? That’s another (today’s homeless are very different than when I was a kid and what I saw on missions trips 10-20 years ago). Possibly one of the biggest turds is anyone who tries to scam people with lies like with false Amazon or credit card issues or claiming your taxes weren’t paid and the cops are on the way if you don’t send them a couple thousand dollars. Scammers like that deserve prison. At least break and entering is avoiding connection to the person you’re robbing whereas this is more personal theft.
I once worked with a mom whose son was a giant turd. Picture a guy who couldn’t be any more of a disappointment to a parent and you nailed it. No grandkids? Check. Toxic dating relationships? Check. Substance abuse and the cops involved? Check. Couldn’t hold a job? Check. The sad thing is I wrote “I once worked with a mom…” and it’s actually been something I’ve seen a bunch of times. When a parent in this situation sees me the question starts: How do you stop the turd from being a turd? (They use different words, but you get the idea.) The question I switch it to is how do you stop being a turd bucket in hopes the turd will smarten up? In these situations it was about helping the parent stop enabling the bad behavior. The parent needed to let their child fall on their face, which was something they should’ve done many years before, but it’s hard when it’s your child. I get it. As a parent of young children, sometimes it’s just easier to help your child or do it yourself, so you get things done quicker. You then get in the habit of enabling your kids to be lazy and get away with not pulling their own weight around the house. Unfortunately, what’s easier in the moment usually hurts you in the future while what’s difficult now can make life easier later.
What’s hard is every parent I meet struggling with their young adult children is they feel they have to keep helping because they’re the parent. Our culture has put way too much pressure on parents to make their kids happy when, ultimately, parents are meant to help their kids grow into functioning adults who don’t need them. As one song that chokes me up says: “I have watched you fade in/ You will watch me fade out/ When the grip leaves my hand/ I know you won’t let me down/ Go and find your way/ Leave me in your wake/ Always push through the pain/ And don’t run away from change.” Talk about sobering – we’re here to help the next generation take over. That’s it.
Tip: I meet a lot of parents who are worried their kids will need therapy one day. I like to tell them, “Relax, no matter what you do you’re going to screw you’re kid up in some way. Enjoy the ride and have some fun.”
So if we want to be a good person who isn’t a turd bucket, what’s the best thing we can do for ourselves? We need to limit how much time we spend with turds even if they’re family. We need to focus on people who give back as much as we give to them. It’s rejuvenating being in a reciprocal relationship. You feel cared about rather than needed. Good people help us be in a better spot for helping the world be better. Ideally, we also only help when the help helps the situation and doesn’t enable anyone to get away with anything. Who you spend time with is very important because you eventually take on the traits of those you’re surrounded by, so good people will eventually become turdish if not full on turds if they spent too much time with the wrong company. We need good people to remind us how to be good and recognize what we’re seeing isn’t normal – it’s bad.
This week may you consider how you can stop being a turd bucket if you’re guilty of being one.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)