Being called judgemental is not what people long to hear: (teacher) “Tommy, I love how hard working you are. Jenny, I love how thoughtful you are. And person with a gender neutral name so I don’t look like I’m playing favourites (e.g. Sam, Ashley, Sue, and Bernard if you have really mean parents), I love how judgemental you are with your ugly and stupid classmates.” But here’s the thing, not many people actually realize what being judgemental is. In fact, I’ve had a number of clients say one of their problems is that they’re judgemental when in fact they’re not; they are simply observant, and there is a potent difference between the two. Some people are fat. Some people are stupid. Our politically correct driven society, however, has created a tall to venti (aka small to large) paranoia about making factual statements (notice the Starbucks size reference to avoid being judged as cheap; I’m going for pretentious… saying Starbucks drinkers are pretentious isn’t a judgement; it’s an observation). If you were to define my colour, I am white. I’m so white if I take off my shirt on a sunny day the glare will temporarily blind people around me, and I will burn before I can count to 10 Mississippi, which is a city I use because it’s a traditional word used in counting and not a racial reference… phew, being afraid of getting judged is exhausting… that’s not a suggestion that aiming for equality isn’t worth it and that I don’t care… you know what I mean… at least the smart people do… that’s not a judgement; that’s a fact, which the smart people understand. The bottom line… well, this isn’t the actual bottom line… is we need to be okay with making observations. Observations are factual. They’re not intended to be hurtful, but they can be misperceived as such. It’s like the child saying “Why did God paint you?” to Morgan Freeman in the greatest movie of all time, Robin Hood Prince of Thieves. Calling this the greatest movie of all time isn’t a judgement; it’s a fact because it is the greatest movie of all time… at least the smart people know this.
So what is a judgement? A judgement falls under these three basic categories:
- I think I’m better than you, so I have degrading thoughts and/or things to say
- I think you think you’re better than me, so I have degrading thoughts and/or things to say to knock you down
- I think you think that I think you think that I think I’m better than you…
Okay, that last one is pretty stupid, an observation with a slight judgement of myself. How is that a judgement of myself based on the definitions I gave you may be asking? The voice in my head is judging me, so the voice acts like the other person who thinks ‘I think I’m better than you’. This voice judges us more than anyone else will, and is likely the meanest bully we will ever face. When we think we’re better than someone else, a similar voice is heard, but it’s directed at someone else. Quite often this voice is a relief because it’s a break from being so judgmental of ourselves. This is the result of people who judge themselves a lot tend to judge others more and vice versa. Everyone judges others at some point. For instance, I’ve heard people say “People who judge are stupid,” which is more of a judgement. On the other hand, an observation-ist will think/act in a way that’s not ‘I’m better than you’ and more ‘I need to think/act according to my observations of you’. This means if someone is a jerk, we will protect ourselves from their jerkiness, but we won’t look down on them for it.
For me, I prefer to be around people who are more observationists and less judgemental because I feel safer, and the conversations usually end up a lot more enjoyable because we aren’t as afraid to say something stupid. There’s freedom to make mistakes and to still be accepted because we’re not afraid of being judged. Friends who observe and accept us, are the kinds of friends we want to have in our life.
This week may you find the difference between observing and judging
Rev Chad David, www.ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people