Last week I mentioned I went on a four night getaway with the in-laws that included driving in a vehicle all together for nine hours one way and sharing a hotel room with 6 people. It’s amazing what you can learn on a trip like this. I learned that living with people is very different than visiting them because you have to share things like space, attitude, yelling, etc. Oddly enough the conflict we faced wasn’t what you’d expect. The problem we faced was people were TOO NICE, and it was soooooo frustrating at times, especially when how do you not feel dumb for being frustrated for someone being nice to you? (me) “You’re such a nice person.” (other person) “Thanks.” (me) “That was meant to be an insult.” (other person) “Wow, you’re really good at clarifying.” (me) “Stop being so nice! Ahhhhh!” (other person) “Good for you for letting out your anger. I feel honored that you feel safe enough to show your true emotions with me.” At a certain point people can be so nice that you want to scream at them. Have you experienced this? Have you ever held a door for someone and they say “You go,” and then you say, “No, you go,” and they say, “No, you go,” and then you say, “No, you go,” and this continues on and on? It’ll drive you crazy: (me) “Stop being so nice!” (other person) “So be more like you?” The first night there was a fight over using the shower, but it was “You go first, and I’ll wait,” and “No, you go first, and I’ll wait,” over and over. It’s probably the lamest fight possible, and it’s all about people being TOO NICE. Here’s a scale to help explain this:
Thoughtless (-10)————Thoughtful (0) ————Overly Thoughtful (10)
For this chart, being Thoughtless is essentially being self absorbed, Thoughtful is being nice to a point, and Overly Thoughtful is when we get stuck in a battle over who gets to be thoughtful. Being Overly Thoughtful is a sign that we are TOO NICE to others and TOO HARD on ourselves. It essentially means we are hurting ourselves by putting others first, but at a certain point we need to put ourselves first. As far as problems go, having a group of people being Overly Thoughtful is the preferred problem, but it can still drive you crazy. Besides the useless battling, when someone is Overly Thoughtful they won’t let you do anything nice for them, so it feels completely one sided. We need to balance doing nice things for others and letting others do nice things for us. If we don’t let others do things for us and we’re Overly Thoughtful, it’s actually damaging for both parties: You get used up, and the other person feels guilt and/or gets a tainted idea of how relationships work. To resolve the shower fight the following nights, my wife and I just made sure we rushed to the hotel and were in and out of the shower before the others got back. Fortunately, it was a simple fix. For the rest of the weekend, however, I found myself having to be a little more selfish than I like to be because people were so Overly Thoughtful, and I was trying to prevent a stalemate of niceness. This leads to another chart that was very relevant for us on this trip:
Too Relaxed (-10) ————Relaxed to a Point (0) ———— Uptight (10)
As thoughtful as the group was, there were times when people were Too Relaxed, which led to problems of being on time and seeing everything we wanted to see. Being Too Relaxed means we can be a pushover and/or simply not thinking about the bigger picture; we’re stuck in the moment. What’s interesting is the people who were Too Relaxed would then be categorized as Thoughtless because their being late affected others. For instance, when you say lets meet at 430am and you show up at 6am, that’s being pretty Thoughtless, and a sign that you were Too Relaxed about being ready earlier. What’s interesting, is the person who was often Too Relaxed usually ended up with extreme panic when she realized how late she was. This person would be upset for being late, so quickly flipped to being on the other end of the scale, Uptight. It’s like someone procrastinating studying for a test; they’re fine, fine, fine, and then explosion of anxiety. But had she been Relaxed to a Point, she would’ve been packed earlier thereby helping her be closer to being on time. Whether the Too Relaxed person becomes Uptight or not will vary depending on the person; what’s guaranteed, however, is if someone is Too Relaxed, someone else like me will become Uptight because I’m trying to keep some order… and I hate being uptight… even though I’m good at it. Thus, being Too Relaxed means you’re actually being Thoughtless because it affects others. Ultimately, this weekend was a flip of people being Overly Thoughtful with times of being Too Relaxed and Thoughtless. It was quite the experience. At the same time everyone got to experience me being Uptight, which is fun for them. Bottom line, try to be Thoughtful and Relaxed to a Point, or other people are going to end up being upset and Uptight, which is not good times.
This week may you begin to understand what it means to be Thoughtful and Relaxed to a Point. And if you can’t decide what you are, ask some friends… the honest ones who won’t just say you’re nice to avoid hurting your feelings.
Rev Chad David, www.ChadDavid.ca, Learning to love dumb people