I used to think people were one of two things: patient or impatient. Turns out, there’s a third category, and it’s more of a spectrum than a set description for how someone acts as this scale demonstrates:
Impatient (-10)—————————Patient (0)—————————Pushover (10)
I included numbers to help show the spectrum that happens. On one end we can be Impatient with the most impatient person being a -10. In the center, the healthy zone of being Patient, we are a 0, which means we are patient to a point. Meanwhile, the new category is at the other end where we have Pushover at a 10. The numbers of -10 and 10 can be interchanged. I’m not suggesting one is worse than the other by the numbers I gave them, but it’s important to see that there is more than just impatience and patience because at some point we become too patient, which means we are a pushover. Awhile ago I had asked a good friend what one word would she use to describe herself, and she said nurturing, which made sense. The next day, however, she messaged me and said that it was on her mind that maybe the best word to use for her was “pushover” because she constantly felt taken advantage of… no, this wasn’t about how I was treating her… I think. She was someone who was incredibly patient, but it was to a point where she was too patient because of how hurt she was constantly getting by others. As a funnier example, I recently did a wedding and before the big day I met with the couple and when I asked what one word best describes you or your partner the bride-to-be quickly said that her husband is very likeable… but then she paused. She then corrected herself: “At least he used to be; he’s not as likeable now.” The funny thing is they both then agreed the word that best describes her is thoughtful… um, are you sure that’s the right word for her? I’m sure you’re thinking that’s an amusing situation, but Chad being a professional officiant would never quote them during the wedding ceremony… Oh I did, and it got a great reaction. What made it safe to use was after the meeting, the bride-to-be ended up sending me a bunch of messages to describe how wonderful her partner is and to clarify that he’s still likeable, but he’s not a pushover anymore. This was good clarification, but it was disappointing to me because I had some chores at my house I was going to ask him to do.
So what do these categories look like?
Impatient: We all know this category, especially as drivers. Yesterday I had someone honk at me, and not in the friendly double beep but the prolonged hold hoooooonnnnnnkkkkk like a goose getting squeezed (arguably the inspiration for the bagpipes). What was my offence? I slightly slowed down for a squirrel on the road trying to figure out where he should run. Did I give this driver the finger? Of course not… if he’s honking at me for slowing down when it didn’t really affect him he’s likely the type of person ready to stab your tires. I’m not saying that I didn’t want to wave minus three fingers, but I knew better than to poke the angry bear. Everyone is capable of being impatient, especially when we’re hungry, tired, stressed, or feeling miserable… or if they’re just a jerk. Unfortunately, some people land in these categories more often than they should because they’re unhealthy; I try to avoid these people because it makes it harder for me to be healthy when I’m around them.
Patient: A person with healthy patience is patient to a point. We should be slow to anger, but we are still be allowed to be angry. We just don’t have a right to purposely hurt someone in our anger by belittling, yelling, or threatening them. Being patient to a point means we don’t end up bottling up emotions and exploding. Instead, we deal with problems assertively.
Pushover: A pushover is someone who can’t say no and constantly sucks it up, which is largely the result of being afraid of conflict. If you never experience conflict the odds are you and/or the other person is a pushover.
This week may you try to find that happy middle ground.
Rev Chad David, www.ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people