In this series on communication I’ve mentioned the terms “hider” and “attacker.” Both have huge implications for how we communicate and should be looked at more closely. Here’s what they look like on a scale:
Attacker (-10)——Self Controlled (0)——Hider (+10)
Self Controlled (the healthy middle) means standing up for yourself in a loving way. This includes considering how the other person will interpret your actions. For instance, I might think I’m being self controlled, but if I’m not seen as such by others am I really being self controlled or is it that person’s own bias coming out? That’s the problem with anything to do with emotional health; there’s always an element of it being a guessing game based on perspectives. I know I’ve thought I was being self controlled while my wife saw me as being harsh. Was I blind to how harsh I was being or was that my wife assuming I was being harsh because she grew up in an attacker family and assumed I was being like them? It’s hard to say… but I know my opinion.
In Part 3 of this series on communication I mentioned that I’m drawn toward being a “hider” while my wife is more of an “attacker” (at least with me). By using this scale you can see why I don’t consider these terms insulting. They are simply two main options. Everyone leans more heavily to one side or the other depending on the person and situation, acknowledging this is just an observation. If I look down on someone for where they land then judgment has set in, but otherwise it’s simply about categorizing behavior, which makes a big difference in understanding social situations. For instance, if someone’s not talking to you or apologizing, that might not be a sign they don’t care about you. It could be a sign they’re a hider. When someone doesn’t contact you or book appointments like you’ve asked, it might not be that they’re incompetent or that they don’t care about what you’ve asked them to do; it could simply be a result of them being a hider. Ideally, the person should be working toward being more self controlled, but a hider is going to hide. The benefit of recognizing that someone is a hider (or attacker) is it can hurt less when they do the behavior their drawn toward: “You’re hiding from me? Right, it’s not me; it’s you and something you need to work on improving.” I should point out that if someone purposely avoids you or doing any action as payback or punishment, that’s an attack. It’s a passive aggressive, indirect attack, but it’s still an attack. This is where it’s good to ask a question with two options: “Are you not talking to me as punishment or for another reason?” We never want to assume… unless you want to be a terrible communicator.
Being a hider is fun… if you enjoy emotional torture. When you’re hiding, it’s easy to over think, which makes things worse. What’s interesting is the more you hide, the more likely you are to want to hide. This is why I cringe when people say they’re an introvert: “Are you really an introvert or is that a nice way of covering up that you’re a hider hiding?” Meanwhile, the more you push yourself to be around people, the more comfortable you’ll become around others… until there’s conflict. Whether it’s a fear of being attacked or simply a fear of having people upset with you, hiders hate conflict, which makes hiding a serious risk for addiction. Sometimes you need addictions like drinking to help you hide, but hiding itself can be an addiction.
When anyone gets out of doing something they should do because they claim anxiety I feel my blood boil. Anxiety is not an excuse to get out of doing something we’re meant to do. That actually encourages more anxiety. We become stronger and reduce anxiety when we prove to ourselves how capable we are through accomplishments. If someone is too scared to do something, have them do something easier. Help them build up some confidence doing easier things and build up to the thing they need to do. Letting someone get out of a responsibility because of anxiety is enabling, which is a nice word for emotionally handicapping someone. Love doesn’t let hiders hide: Don’t do for others what they can do for themselves.
One of the most dangerous things for hiders is when things bother us we’ll hide… hide… hide… attack! Eventually a hider will explode and then they’ll feel terrible about it after, which can further encourage hiding behavior. This explosion can be at others or ourselves, but the result is the same – the hider feels tremendous guilt. If the so-called hider explodes and then says, “See what you made me do,” they’re not actually a hider; they’re just delaying their attack. This is a passive aggressive move and soul crushingly hurtful. At least when a hider explodes there’s a strong remorse and apologetic nature there. This might cause them to go back into hiding, but at least they’re doing it out of embarrassment and not superiority like the passive aggressive attacker.
The best way to avoid exploding is to learn how to get your buried emotions out in a safe way through processing (e.g. talking to a trusted connection or journaling) or physically getting things out. There’s a reason violent sports can be so appealing to young people – it clears out their emotional baggage.
The risk for hiders is they can develop strong social anxiety because being around others puts them at high risk of feeling terrible. This can be the risk of conflict or being used. Hiders tend to be helpful people and can be quick to volunteer, especially if it helps them hide. Unfortunately, even if hiders offer to help, there is a risk of them becoming too afraid to be around people for fear of feeling obligated to help. The best way to prevent this is for the hiders to learn the power of saying, “Sorry, I can’t this time,” or “I think (person) would be a great option to help,” or “No.” Saying no has the power to protect friendships or break them apart. Unfortunately, many hiders end up saying no at the wrong times and end up feeling alone; if you always say no to invitations, eventually the invitations will stop coming.
Attackers on the other hand, have their own issues. Sometimes attackers only have a select few they attack, which can be very confusing for those on the receiving end: “Why are you so nice to everyone else?” Unfortunately for these targets, they are likely being attacked because they are seen as extensions of the attacker and/or it can be a sign of trust: (spouse 1) “I trust you enough to attack you.” (spouse 2) “That’s so sweet… but could you start not liking me?”
Probably the hardest thing for me being married to an attacker is they’re likely to attack when they should be apologizing. This happens, however, because attackers attack out of fear (unless they’re passive aggressive) and if they feel guilt for something, this can trigger a fear response, which leads to attacking. It’s bizarre, but I get it. One night early in my relationship, my wife, then girlfriend, was trying not to attack me and instead of getting loud, her emotion came out in tears. We’d been dating for several years by that point and being a hider there were a few times I wanted to explode, but I generally just took it (I was scared of the potential retaliation attack). Seeing her tears, however, I felt this wave of guilt and I have never wanted to scream at her more. It was a bizarre moment: “Stop crying and making me feel bad! You’re so mean crying like that!” It can sound strange unless you’ve been there, but sometimes apologizing and humbling ourselves can be a challenge when you struggle to be vulnerable in front of others – anger is easier than feeling bad.
The important thing for attackers is to learn to do for themselves what parents are supposed to do to kids with anger: “Go to your room!” We’re supposed to get angry at injustice and things that aren’t fair or right, but we’re not meant to hurt people in our anger and thereby create a dominoes reaction of hurt that gets passed on. Hurting people in our anger is also bad because the person we hurt will likely hurt us back whether then or in the future – very counterproductive for someone trying to protect themselves. Since attackers are prone to hurting others, they need to separate themselves and get their emotions out in order to address the situation with a calm brain. These are the same things that hiders need to do with their buried emotion to get them out except attackers will have the emotion on the surface and they need to burn them off (i.e. processing and/or physically getting out the emotion hitting something like a bed, screaming alone in the car, or smashing things that need to be smashed with a sledgehammer).
The great thing about being a hider is you can help reduce conflict. Hiders are often people who are good at processing through problems and finding better solutions in the future. The great thing about attackers is you can help issues be addressed. They also tend to recover really fast. My wife will get angry and then be fine a few minutes later. As a hider, I can take hours to recover. I think this is one of the reasons I hate conflict – I subconsciously know it’s a lot of energy and time to recover. (If someone takes a week to recover that’s a sign they’re passive aggressive and/or have let resentment set in). Both sides, hiders and attackers, have their benefits and drawbacks, but ultimately we want to grow self control because self control is a sign of love and the hallmark of being a good person.
This week may you consider how you can be more self controlled.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)