Last week we looked at the following scale:
Attacker (-10)——Self Controlled (0)——Hider (+10)
Each of these three positions has two types. For instance, in the Attacker category there are Direct Attackers and Indirect Attackers. Direct Attackers are like a dog trying to protect an injured paw. They’re scared and in pain, and all they want is for you to back off. Direct Attackers might not want to admit it, but their actions are fueled by fear and self protection. The good news is recognizing this can make accepting their attacks easier. Attackers become like a toddler who’s having a temper tantrum rather than a potential bully. This is why I laugh when young guys try to look tough. You’re only trying to look tough because you’re scared of people seeing the truth – you feel weak and/or vulnerable. If you weren’t scared, you wouldn’t have to look tough. You could lighten up and have fun. Instead, you go with the “back off” vibe because you’re trying to hide your wussiness.
Indirect Attackers are people who hide their attacks (aka passive aggressive). This can be eye rolls and sighs meant to point out how dumb you are. They can be jab comments or guilt trips. They can be underhanded comments and subtle insults like “That’s an interesting choice.” These are the kinds of attacks where the person is smiling at you, but you feel emotionally beaten down or they leave you wondering “Was that a putdown?” One of the reason indirect attacks are harder to handle is you can’t complain about them the same as direct attacks: (victim of direct attack) “They yelled at me.” (victim of indirect attack) “That’s terrible. My partner looked at my vacuuming job and sighed.” (victim of direct attack) “So what’s the problem?” (victim of indirect attack) “It was a really mean sigh.” On top of not getting sympathy from others, the other problem with Indirect Attackers is they erode your soul. It’s so subtle you might not even notice your soul has been eroded until you’re left weeping alone in your car not sure what’s happened to you. If you do notice your soul being eroded and you question the Indirect Attacker, they’re response is “I didn’t do anything wrong,” “I’m just trying to help,” or “You made me do that.” I know direct attacks hurt and can be scary, but indirect attacks are the worst. Bruises heal, but your soul might not ever fully recover if it’s damaged long enough by indirect attacks.
It can be hard to distinguish between Direct and Indirect Attackers. The other month I asked my wife, “When you talk to me like that, is that out of fear or because you think you’re better than me?” She said it was fear, which I believe, but it really felt like it’s a superior thing. That being said, there are times when she does speak to me as superior like when it comes to cleaning, which makes sense since she’s much more particular than me… shocker.
On the other side of the scale, there are the Hiders, which are either good people or sucky people. Some of the nicest people you’ll meet are Hiders. They do good things and don’t want to be a bother. My mom could be dying, but she wouldn’t tell anyone. Instead, she’d be making a meal for someone else in need. These types of hiders can burn themselves out because they’re too kind whether they’re walking on eggshells and/or sucking up to others trying to make everyone happy. These people struggle with guilt and over thinking, which can lead to avoidance behavior. The other type of Hider, the sucky people, are selfish. These are the people who avoid doing responsibilities and claim anxiety without guilt and/or they say things like “I’m having me-time,” and “I do what I want to do – I do I” (or whatever the opposite of “You do you” is). These people suck because they leave you feeling like you don’t matter.
What surprised me is when I realized there are two types of Self Control, and only one of them is good. The good type of Self Control involves caring about ourselves and others in a healthy balance. We recognize that neither side is more important; they’re equal. The bad type of Self Control is not caring about others enough, which looks like brushing them off when we should offer a hand. It’s not an attack or hiding; it’s also not when someone keeps their nose out of someone else’s business because they recognize boundaries (that’s good Self Control). This is simply not caring about someone we should be caring about. You could argue this is an Indirect Attack, but there is a point where it’s not an attack; it’s cold hearted.
Sometimes Hiders can become this second type of Self Control because they’ve become resentful. We might be hurt, but need to get over it. We’re ultimately meant to be in community and our ability to be in community improves when we actually push ourselves to be in them. This is important because we’re created to have to rely on others for certain things. We’re created to help and be helped. To not do one of these things is very foolish. Acting “self sufficient” doesn’t make you better; it means you’re limited with how much you can do. Every Grammy and Oscar winner has a list of people to thank because it’s never just them. We need people to help us do what you want to do.
As a therapist I’ll hear a married person say, “I could do this on my own,” and 95% of the time that’s a lie they tell themselves in order to let their resentment fester. When I was at Disney this past spring, it became very clear to me how easy it is to only see what I am doing and ignore what my wife is up to. If I was feeling overwhelmed, it was easy to blame her for not doing more. When I was feeling tired, it was easy to blame her for not helping me more directly. Thankfully my mom was there because she regularly pointed out how much we were doing. Having her there complimenting both of us opened my eyes: “Wait, I’m not the only one doing something?” This was a good reminder why it’s good for couple to spend a few minutes every day saying thank you for one thing the other person did that day. If you can’t think of anything, maybe you didn’t see what they were doing… or maybe they’re a slug. Either way, this exercise can help open eyes.
Finding the balance between hiding and attacking can be very challenging. Even though I’m almost daily teaching about emotional health and how to be self controlled, I can screw up. This spring my 80 something year old Italian neighbor who loves his polka music and growing tomatoes in giant cages he made to keep the squirrels away (he’s very Italian) made a poor choice. During a very busy time for me, I came home to find my wife very upset because our neighbor had been on the attacking side to her. His shed is on our shared property line and we had a vine growing up the back of it to hide its ugliness. My wife ended up attacking me out of her guilt – it was great – and when I went outside to cool off I went to the backyard to look at the vine… but there was no vine. He had hacked it down. A three year old vine that I regularly trimmed to keep it from taking over his shed and that helped his ugly shed disappear was now but a tiny, leafless stem sticking out of the ground. I was furious: “You came on my property, ripped down a plant I bought and loved without any warning, and then got my wife angry at me? You suck!” I was so angry I wanted to breed squirrels to eat his tomatoes. Fortunately, I know the three times we most want to talk to someone is when we’re drunk, tired, or already angry, and the three worst times to talk to someone is when we’re drunk, tired, and already angry. For the next four days I continued to let myself be angry and then have a break – our emotions need breaks like a good worker. Four days later, after walking my daughter to school, I walked past his house and thought, maybe I should just let it go… and that’s when I knew it was time to say something because I was no longer motivated by anger.
I decided to leave a note in his mailbox because on the one hand, this would give him a chance to process what I was saying privately before we talked while on the other, it allowed me to hide – I’m a hider. Unfortunately, I fell into the trap of saying too much – the typical note problem. Overall, my letter was quite good. I admitted that I should I have talked to him the year before when he took down a different vine, which gave him the wrong message. My main problem in the letter, however, was I should’ve left it as “Please don’t touch my plants.” Unfortunately, I went one step further and added, “If you continue to do this, I will put up a gate.” I thought this was simply sharing my boundary, but it really upset him. Sometimes it’s good to be clear: If you (blank) then I will (blank), but this wasn’t one of those times. I had gone become an Attacker in his eyes. After reading the letter, he immediately found me and apologized in an aggressive way – it was very confusing. It also reminded me why talking to him directly was a bad idea because you can’t get a word in – it’s the Attacker nature. His cutting the vine could’ve been seen as indirect, but knowing him and his background, he was more direct than sneaky. He might have even thought my wife gave him permission in their conversation – who knows?
In my letter I should’ve kept it simpler, especially since I should’ve considered how it’d be interpreted, but on the plus side this a good example that even people who teach self control can screw up sometimes. Fortunately, knowing this scale can help me try to stay more in the center next time.
This week may you consider what it means to be Self Controlled in a healthy way and not an Attacker or Hider
Rev Chad Tomlinson, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)