This week I realized a major problem for people is being mean without realizing it. It can be as simple as not returning a text or not sharing an encouraging word when it’s needed. It can be not accepting a compliment well, which can discourage that person from offering compliments in the future. Of course, I will confess that writing about this topic I know there are many times I’ve been interpreted as mean, but had no idea that’s what the person was thinking because they didn’t say anything. This is particularly challenging because why would I think I was seen as mean when the person didn’t look upset, especially when being mean wasn’t my intention? (I like to avoid being mean because why create conflict?… I mean, I like to avoid being mean because I’m a good person… sure; that’s the reason.) This makes having personal examples for this topic very difficult, which means I’ll have to focus on what others have done. This isn’t meant to be a slam-fest, but simply sharing facts.
To start, let’s look at a more positive example; something with a happy ending. My four year old (the middle child, so obviously a little weird (no offence to my brother)) has this gift to make you upset and then smile at you with a smile that says, “Gotcha.” For instance, the other day I tried to kiss her good night, but she jumped up and rammed my nose with the top of her head. My immediate response was to semi-yell “Frig!” like a rated G movie in the 90s, and turn away. It was a solid hit where I was checking to see if I was bleeding after, but I only had to wipe away the water in my eyes that naturally comes up when your nose gets smacked. When I looked back at her she just stood there smiling at me. It was the same response she gives as when she gets scolded or yelled at – it’s infuriating. I was actually reaching the point where I started wondering if I should be watching Dexter to find out how to best handle working with a child who doesn’t feel guilt. Fortunately, I eventually took my own advice: Don’t assume anything. Always double check with a good question. When it was just the two of us in the car, I started, “Can I ask you a question?” She replied yes, so I asked, “When you get in trouble or like yesterday when you hurt my nose and I was really upset, you were smiling at me. Is that a smile to say, ‘Yea, that’s what I was going for,’ or is it more of a scared/nervous response?” Without hesitation, she replied,” It’s scared/nervous.” This shocked me because the smile shows no hint of guilt, remorse, fear, or anything negative – just smug. It’s like a genuinely happy looking smile at your expense. On the plus side, it was really great I was wrong, and not just because that means I don’t have to watch Dexter (a show I shouldn’t be watching because it causes my brain to start coming up with ways to kill people – I wish that was a joke). It will also now give me better patience with my daughter because when you’re angry and you’ve scolded your child and they smile at you the way she does (i.e. “Is that all you got?”), it makes you want to go at her even harder as you want to scream: “Feel remorse!” Now I know the smile means she gets it (which is so strange to my logical brain), and I can see that she didn’t realize how mean this makes her appear.
Now, let’s look at the moment that inspired this lesson by the person who inspires a lot of my lessons – my wife. Her ability to inspire me is an incredible blessing… although it doesn’t always feel that way at first. The other day this moment happened:
Wife: I was talking with [woman at church], and I told her how I have no fear of you cheating on me because you are, and have always been, so bad at flirting with women.
Side Note: My wife used to say this a lot when we were dating, but I’m not sure she realizes that this implies there’s something wrong with her for choosing me.
Wife: It was so funny because [woman at church] replied, “Do you mean how Chad tries too hard to be funny?” Isn’t that hilarious? She totally gets it.
In my wife’s defense, she didn’t realize how mean this was. I don’t think a lot of women would. To make sure it’s properly understood, here’s the male moment equivalent. Please know; this is completely fictional and not based on any real person. It is a purely made up situation.
Husband: I was talking with Steve, and I told him how I have no fear of you cheating on me because you’ve gained so much weight and guys won’t find you attractive anymore. It was so funny because he replied, “Do you mean she didn’t always have a turkey gobbler neck or look like her arms are trying to sprout wings with the way they flap when she waves?” Isn’t that hilarious? He totally gets it.
You might be thinking, “Chad, that’s really mean.” Exactly! That’s how mean a guy like me sees this situation with my wife. When you want to see yourself as someone who can be funny, being told you’re not is awful. To me, this is actually worse than it being a weight issue. If the conversation was saying her friend said I’m 20-30 pounds heavier than I was when I was 20, as a married guy with kids, I couldn’t care less. That’s just fact – I am. I put on 10 pounds at ages 28 and 38 without doing anything differently. That’s just life of a guy getting older and hormones and metabolism changing. My situation, however, isn’t fact like weight gain – it’s opinion. This person thinks I try too hard to be funny? Ouch. That’s not fact (hopefully). Maybe this woman was exaggerating it because it was girl talk. Maybe my wife misinterpreted what she actually meant, but regardless, to a guy who wants to think he’s funny (at least on occasion) it’s soul crushing. This is who I am and this comment is saying that who I am kind of sucks. It’s basically saying I’m someone who doesn’t recognize social cues and even worse, isn’t funny. What’s frustrating is when I talk to people at church or at an event, my goal isn’t to be funny (that’s never a good goal); I strive to be friendly and humor is often something I try to include where I can to keep things lighthearted. Sometimes what I say doesn’t land as well as I hope, but the right person can turn my not great comment into a great set up for their own punch line. This is who I am. That means this woman was criticizing me for who I am as a person – ouch. For the most part, who I am seems to work… or does it? Am I that blind to social cues? Unfortunately, my wife had no idea how mean this comment was because she saw it as funny. In her eyes, it’s not a physical criticism, so it’s fine.
Being told this person thinks I try too hard to be funny in previous years would’ve made me want to hide in a room. Fortunately, I’ve reached this spot where I’m better at handling these moments as I try to focus on the other person being the problem. After all, in John 2:24-25 (NLT) it says: But Jesus didn’t trust them… for he knew what was in each person’s heart.” We can’t make everyone happy, so what I need to focus on is portraying the person I want to be seen as by good people who want to assume the best of me.
Now, here’s the difference between how guys and girls typically handle hurt (although this can be reversed on rare occasions). If it was my wife who was hurt instead of me, I would immediately know something was wrong and I would be put into a position to apologize and/or do something to make up for how mean I was. There might even be some recovery time where things are awkward between us. As a guy, however, my wife had no idea there was even a problem – can you say suppression? I should point out that I didn’t laugh or pretend I was fine; I gave a typical guy response: “Huhn.” That’s the benefit of always giving a lackluster reply; this was just a normal moment to my wife. You could argue this is bad communication, but unless she brings it up again, it’s a done situation. If she does bring it up, I’ll have to point this out to her, so it doesn’t become a habit.
Here’s the main reason a guy doesn’t tell a woman when he’s hurt – we often end up apologizing. When we share to our partner that we were hurt by them, we end up getting in “trouble” for being hurt. Because women typically overwork themselves and try so hard to be perfect, falling short of their own standards can really upset them. Ironically, it’s often the woman’s guilt that causes her to attack her husband in some way after he shares his hurt. Thus, most husbands learn to just take the hit because it’s not worth the risk. In these situations, it’s either kindness or simply survival. As a fun aside, my wife was really hurt by her sister and when she tried to share this it blew up in her face as if she was a husband and she ended up apologizing.
For the person in my position who was hurt, it can be helpful to consider the other person’s intention: were they trying to hurt me or was it out of ignorance? If I think there’s a chance it was to be hurtful, it’s good to double check with the person with a question like: “When you (thing they said or did) was that to hurt me or was it for another reason?” This is to gain understanding and not to be accusatory in any way because then we’d become a jerk. Another option is to give a request: “Next time when (blank) happens, can you please (action) instead of (action they did). This is helpful because it’s easier to heal knowing there’s a plan for the person to be different in the future.
This week may you consider when you might be mean without realizing it.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)
This week I realized a major problem for people is being mean without realizing it. It can be as simple as not returning a text or not sharing an encouraging word when it’s needed. It can be not accepting a compliment well, which can discourage that person from offering compliments in the future. Of course, I will confess that writing about this topic I know there are many times I’ve been interpreted as mean, but had no idea that’s what the person was thinking because they didn’t say anything. This is particularly challenging because why would I think I was seen as mean when the person didn’t look upset, especially when being mean wasn’t my intention? (I like to avoid being mean because why create conflict?… I mean, I like to avoid being mean because I’m a good person… sure; that’s the reason.) This makes having personal examples for this topic very difficult, which means I’ll have to focus on what others have done. This isn’t meant to be a slam-fest, but simply sharing facts.
To start, let’s look at a more positive example; something with a happy ending. My four year old (the middle child, so obviously a little weird (no offence to my brother)) has this gift to make you upset and then smile at you with a smile that says, “Gotcha.” For instance, the other day I tried to kiss her good night, but she jumped up and rammed my nose with the top of her head. My immediate response was to semi-yell “Frig!” like a rated G movie in the 90s, and turn away. It was a solid hit where I was checking to see if I was bleeding after, but I only had to wipe away the water in my eyes that naturally comes up when your nose gets smacked. When I looked back at her she just stood there smiling at me. It was the same response she gives as when she gets scolded or yelled at – it’s infuriating. I was actually reaching the point where I started wondering if I should be watching Dexter to find out how to best handle working with a child who doesn’t feel guilt. Fortunately, I eventually took my own advice: Don’t assume anything. Always double check with a good question. When it was just the two of us in the car, I started, “Can I ask you a question?” She replied yes, so I asked, “When you get in trouble or like yesterday when you hurt my nose and I was really upset, you were smiling at me. Is that a smile to say, ‘Yea, that’s what I was going for,’ or is it more of a scared/nervous response?” Without hesitation, she replied,” It’s scared/nervous.” This shocked me because the smile shows no hint of guilt, remorse, fear, or anything negative – just smug. It’s like a genuinely happy looking smile at your expense. On the plus side, it was really great I was wrong, and not just because that means I don’t have to watch Dexter (a show I shouldn’t be watching because it causes my brain to start coming up with ways to kill people – I wish that was a joke). It will also now give me better patience with my daughter because when you’re angry and you’ve scolded your child and they smile at you the way she does (i.e. “Is that all you got?”), it makes you want to go at her even harder as you want to scream: “Feel remorse!” Now I know the smile means she gets it (which is so strange to my logical brain), and I can see that she didn’t realize how mean this makes her appear.
Now, let’s look at the moment that inspired this lesson by the person who inspires a lot of my lessons – my wife. Her ability to inspire me is an incredible blessing… although it doesn’t always feel that way at first. The other day this moment happened:
Wife: I was talking with [woman at church], and I told her how I have no fear of you cheating on me because you are, and have always been, so bad at flirting with women.
Side Note: My wife used to say this a lot when we were dating, but I’m not sure she realizes that this implies there’s something wrong with her for choosing me.
Wife: It was so funny because [woman at church] replied, “Do you mean how Chad tries too hard to be funny?” Isn’t that hilarious? She totally gets it.
In my wife’s defense, she didn’t realize how mean this was. I don’t think a lot of women would. To make sure it’s properly understood, here’s the male moment equivalent. Please know; this is completely fictional and not based on any real person. It is a purely made up situation.
Husband: I was talking with Steve, and I told him how I have no fear of you cheating on me because you’ve gained so much weight and guys won’t find you attractive anymore. It was so funny because he replied, “Do you mean she didn’t always have a turkey gobbler neck or look like her arms are trying to sprout wings with the way they flap when she waves?” Isn’t that hilarious? He totally gets it.
You might be thinking, “Chad, that’s really mean.” Exactly! That’s how mean a guy like me sees this situation with my wife. When you want to see yourself as someone who can be funny, being told you’re not is awful. To me, this is actually worse than it being a weight issue. If the conversation was saying her friend said I’m 20-30 pounds heavier than I was when I was 20, as a married guy with kids, I couldn’t care less. That’s just fact – I am. I put on 10 pounds at ages 28 and 38 without doing anything differently. That’s just life of a guy getting older and hormones and metabolism changing. My situation, however, isn’t fact like weight gain – it’s opinion. This person thinks I try too hard to be funny? Ouch. That’s not fact (hopefully). Maybe this woman was exaggerating it because it was girl talk. Maybe my wife misinterpreted what she actually meant, but regardless, to a guy who wants to think he’s funny (at least on occasion) it’s soul crushing. This is who I am and this comment is saying that who I am kind of sucks. It’s basically saying I’m someone who doesn’t recognize social cues and even worse, isn’t funny. What’s frustrating is when I talk to people at church or at an event, my goal isn’t to be funny (that’s never a good goal); I strive to be friendly and humor is often something I try to include where I can to keep things lighthearted. Sometimes what I say doesn’t land as well as I hope, but the right person can turn my not great comment into a great set up for their own punch line. This is who I am. That means this woman was criticizing me for who I am as a person – ouch. For the most part, who I am seems to work… or does it? Am I that blind to social cues? Unfortunately, my wife had no idea how mean this comment was because she saw it as funny. In her eyes, it’s not a physical criticism, so it’s fine.
Being told this person thinks I try too hard to be funny in previous years would’ve made me want to hide in a room. Fortunately, I’ve reached this spot where I’m better at handling these moments as I try to focus on the other person being the problem. After all, in John 2:24-25 (NLT) it says: But Jesus didn’t trust them… for he knew what was in each person’s heart.” We can’t make everyone happy, so what I need to focus on is portraying the person I want to be seen as by good people who want to assume the best of me.
Now, here’s the difference between how guys and girls typically handle hurt (although this can be reversed on rare occasions). If it was my wife who was hurt instead of me, I would immediately know something was wrong and I would be put into a position to apologize and/or do something to make up for how mean I was. There might even be some recovery time where things are awkward between us. As a guy, however, my wife had no idea there was even a problem – can you say suppression? I should point out that I didn’t laugh or pretend I was fine; I gave a typical guy response: “Huhn.” That’s the benefit of always giving a lackluster reply; this was just a normal moment to my wife. You could argue this is bad communication, but unless she brings it up again, it’s a done situation. If she does bring it up, I’ll have to point this out to her, so it doesn’t become a habit.
Here’s the main reason a guy doesn’t tell a woman when he’s hurt – we often end up apologizing. When we share to our partner that we were hurt by them, we end up getting in “trouble” for being hurt. Because women typically overwork themselves and try so hard to be perfect, falling short of their own standards can really upset them. Ironically, it’s often the woman’s guilt that causes her to attack her husband in some way after he shares his hurt. Thus, most husbands learn to just take the hit because it’s not worth the risk. In these situations, it’s either kindness or simply survival. As a fun aside, my wife was really hurt by her sister and when she tried to share this it blew up in her face as if she was a husband and she ended up apologizing.
For the person in my position who was hurt, it can be helpful to consider the other person’s intention: were they trying to hurt me or was it out of ignorance? If I think there’s a chance it was to be hurtful, it’s good to double check with the person with a question like: “When you (thing they said or did) was that to hurt me or was it for another reason?” This is to gain understanding and not to be accusatory in any way because then we’d become a jerk. Another option is to give a request: “Next time when (blank) happens, can you please (action) instead of (action they did). This is helpful because it’s easier to heal knowing there’s a plan for the person to be different in the future.
This week may you consider when you might be mean without realizing it.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)
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