An awesome video I’ll be referencing later: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpaOjMXyJGk
Lately, everywhere I go I keep hearing: “Stop bullying”. I’m sure some of you are thinking: “Chad, take the hint and stop bullying,” but it’s not being specifically aimed at me (surprising, I know). This is the generic message being said in schools and the media. Essentially, we’re trying to stop bullying by nagging: “Don’t… don’t… don’t…” I don’t know about you but I love to be nagged; nagging is like a gift to remind you to avoid that person nagging you. The problem with this method, however, is when most of us are told not to do something we end up thinking: “Why do I suddenly feel like doing (thing told not to do)?” To be honest, hearing this message to stop bullying makes my twisted side upset because I’ve never bullied anyone. Of course, I’ve never been cool enough to bully someone, but now I’m thinking I’ve missed out. If there’s a rule against bullying it must somehow be really fun because we only make rules to stop us from doing fun things. If it wasn’t, there wouldn’t need to be a rule against it because people wouldn’t be doing it. My guess is that colluding in the act of bullying someone would feel cathartic, almost medicinal, because by bullying you essentially give your crappy feelings to someone else thereby allowing you to feel better. That does sound appealing; it’s like a game of emotional hot potato: (me to other person) “You take it.” (other person to another person) “You take it.” (another person) “Shoot, I need someone smaller or weaker to give this to or I’ll be stuck with it.”
It may sound wrong – I’ve already said some awkward things so why not one more – but bullying is really a gift (I warned you that this would sound wrong). Bullies teach us respect. When I was in school there were a few kids who could be described as bullies. Did I get bullied? No. Why? I knew to be polite to my peers saying please and thank you and, more importantly, I avoided saying dumb things to kids who could beat me up. Who got bullied? The kids who were rude to the kids who could beat them up. This is an important life lesson: be respectful, especially to those with power.
When you’re a teacher bullies can be a great benefit. During my student teaching I had this one class that was really tough to handle, but fortunately it had a couple bullies in it. In a classroom the one problem teachers have is there is virtually no threat to give bad students: (teacher) “I will give you more work.” (student) “Go ahead. I’m not going to do it.” (teacher) “I will suspend you.” (student) “Go ahead. I’ll sleep in and play video games.” Fortunately for me the class turned around the moment I was able to win over the two bullies. Suddenly the class would behave: (bullies) “Be quiet guys and let the teacher talk.” For me bullies are like volunteer moral police officers who fight rudeness and stupidity. Sometimes this police force will be corrupt and bully for the sake of bullying, but this can be stopped with bigger bullies to bully the bullies. I’m not saying the answer to bullying is more bullying… oh wait, I guess I am… please don’t yell at me via the computer… but isn’t this what we do with the real police? The police are watched by someone else who is watched by someone else who is voted in by the people who are at the bottom of the bully chain. Everyone is accountable to someone else in order to keep the balance.
The topic of bullying is convoluted. I often hear: “Sir, he’s bullying me.” Why is everything bullying? Whatever happened to making fun of people? I said I’ve never bullied anyone, but I’ve made fun of people; does that make me a bully? When someone is called a bully my first thought is maybe they’re not a bully; maybe this person is having a bad day, retaliating or trying to be funny. There’s ultimately going to be confusion because the reason why someone is a bully or just making fun of someone else is the same. People bully or make fun of others because they either have zero confidence and self love or they have too much. The only difference between the bully and the person being bullied is the person being bullied has very little confidence or self love. Ultimately, you can only be bullied if you choose to let others bully you. People who love themselves won’t allow this. This largely happens because people who love themselves usually don’t get targeted by bullies since bullies want an easier target; they want someone who will break. People who love themselves are better at hearing negative comments, evaluating the source and brushing it off when it’s a bully (healthy person): “You don’t like me? Oh well; have a great day.” Bullies don’t want this because they’ll be left like” (bully) “What? I can’t hurt this person? I really am stupid.” Thus, to fight bullying learn to love yourself. People can only be bullied if they feel weak, and don’t know how to stand up for themselves.
Unfortunately, the worst bully everyone typically faces is themselves. We have a tendency to be brutally hard on ourselves and nicer to others. This is beautifully demonstrated in a video by Dove where a sketch artist draws how the person sees herself versus how someone else sees her: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XpaOjMXyJGk. If this is true, that people are typically harder on themselves than others, it’s hard on some level, not to feel bad for the person who bullies others because this likely means they’re all the harder on themselves.
This week may you begin to better see your own beauty and learn to love yourself in a greater way.
Bonus Point
In my book, Emotional Sex: Making Good Relationships Great there’s a section on the difference between mocking to knock others down and teasing which is used as a way to show trust and connect with people. These differences are important for knowing when someone is being flirty and/or friendly versus being a jerk.
By Rev. Chad David, www.emotionalsex.ca