I recently had a friend recommend I listen to the song, “Happy” by NF, a white rapper who’s Christian-ish (so not Eminem). I’m normally not a rap fan, but nine years ago I bought his first studio album, Mansions, at the Christian Bookstore after listening to a sample… remember the days when you actually had to listen to songs in the store before buying a CD? I miss that time. There was more excitement connected to music and discovering a new band or finding a new album by someone you liked. Having things online might be convenient, but like in all things convenient, it loses some of its joy. And on that note…
The song “Happy” has some very self reflective lyrics: “I don’t know why, but I feel more comfortable/ Living in my agony, watching my self-esteem/ Go up in flames, acting like I don’t/ Care what anyone else thinks, when I know truthfully/ That that’s the furthest thing from how I/ Feel… /The truth is, I need help, but I just can’t imagine who/ Who I’d be if I was happy.” These lyrics point out something I often teach as a therapist: People who say they don’t care what others think actually care more than the average person. Someone who doesn’t care won’t even think about the fact they don’t care – it’s just the way it is. People who say they don’t care are actually more about a rebellious reaction, “I don’t want to care what you think, but I do. Whether that causes me to do the opposite of what you want will be determined.”
The most important line for me in the song is “I just can’t imagine who… I’d be if I was happy” because it made me wonder: Can I be happy? I see little joys like with the music situation I mentioned being taken away, but can I still be happy? Am I addicted to drama and/or being negative? Both are easy to be addicted to. This year, from last July until this July, has been the hardest year of my life (not to brag), which is largely connected to my family trying to build a supposedly four month addition turned a year and ten months with lots left to do (I’m still not bragging). This build really has felt cursed. For instance, I’ve had to fire seven different workers because they didn’t show and/or their work was terrible. Arguably the worst person we hired couldn’t be fired because we didn’t realise how terrible he was until after his work was completed. Our architect and his engineer gave us drawings that passed the city because they “worked,” but every worker who saw the design said it was incredibly impractical. I even had to pay another guy a $1000 to redesign the HVAC system because what the architect gave us was so stupid. What made it worse is I ended up with a woman inspector who was very by the book if that book was written by an overbearing parent watching how the book was read. Her goal seemed to be to find mistakes to look smart, which made her look the opposite. It’s amazing how chasing something often gets the opposite result.
Recently, after mentioning it’s been the worst year of my life to a friend with a son who has autism and a daughter with her own unique issues stated sarcastically, “It must be so hard having three healthy, normal kids.” Considering how many people struggle to even have kids, my renovation issues could seem trivial, and maybe that’s a sign I’m not appreciating what I actually have. After all, there’s always a reason to complain. Unfortunately, I’ve been working on my ability to be thankful for over 17 years now with different exercises and trying to find the good in all situations (which is typically easier after the difficult thing is done) and I’m not sure what more I can do to be appreciative. Arguably, when people ask, “How are you?” I could respond, “Amazing,” and fake it to hopefully make it. Unfortunately, I don’t see that as being very genuine and will likely have the opposite effect for me in this situation – it’ll make me feel worse.
Fortunately, this week I was able to confirm that I can be happy. And what made that possible? My wife and kids being at her family’s cottage while I’ve been at home alone working. Does that sound bad? Some people go on vacation to relax, but traveling with a family does the opposite (like trying to look smart). Being home alone has been amazing, amaaaaaaaaaaazing. I’m Kevin McCallister when he first learns he’s alone. The main reason for this is having a family is like walking around carrying dumbbells. (That probably doesn’t make me sound much better). And when I write “dumbbells” I mean in the real sense and it’s not my subtle way of calling my wife a name: (guy) “You’re my beautiful dumbbell!” (girl) “So I’m solid and helpful? Thanks.” Carrying the weight is good for me, and I chose this and still choose this, but it’s nice to put the weight down once in awhile and have a break to catch my breath. To add to this, the renovation has been like I’m also carrying a giant monkey on my back that regularly punches me in the head. With the dumbbells on the ground, I had free hands to calm the monkey a bit, which has also made a big difference in how I feel.
Side Note: Ideally you carry the weight of your family with your spouse, but when you divide to conquer, it can feel like you’re fighting solo. Other times it can feel like your spouse is an added weight, which I’ve seen be the case for some couples or it was a misguided feeling for others.
This has been a truly magnificent break for me… to do more work. Saturday morning I was up and jogging with my friend at 830am and besides a couple quick cool down breaks, I worked on the house until 930pm. I was moving stone and ripping up asphalt with a pry bar on a day with a heat advisory and it was great. Sometimes mindless work is the best therapy when your brain has been overworked in the week.. After working hard all day, I showered, picked up a pizza (I didn’t have to share) and put on a funny movie. That moment of sitting reminded me that happiness is best found after struggling and getting a break. Sunday, I did a wedding that went well before going to dinner at my mom’s. The best thing about the wedding is it gave me things to talk about with my family rather than just “This week I worked and there’s really nothing else to say.” Finding something to talk about can be hard when you’re older unless you’ve learned something or had a unique experience.
Side Note: The wedding was for a retired CEO of one of the top hospitals in the world and a successful lawyer, and before the wedding I asked the groom if he had the wedding license or if the bride did and he replied, “Where do you get one of those?” Fun fact, that was his third wedding. How’d he not know? That was the bride’s second wedding and she was incredibly organized and thorough in her planning, but somehow even she missed it. Having such successful and intelligent people make such a basic mistake made me feel fantastic… not because I’m a terrible person (that’s a separate issue). It was good to be affirmed that even people as impressive as they are can make simple mistakes. We say everyone makes mistakes, but it can be helpful to see it actually happen rather than just seeing my own mistakes, which happen pretty frequently.
What really made the night great at my mom’s visiting was not having kids to watch, correct, discipline, cleanup after, or entertain. It was just me in charge of me. I’ll admit, I can be a lot of work, but it’s nothing compared to being responsible for young kids. You’re always on guard for the next thing. Sure, I make life harder for myself by not just giving my kids iPads or phones to distract them, but that doesn’t sit well with me. I’d rather carry a little extra weight than give them something I think is bad for them.
What this experience of being alone has ultimately taught me is I know that I can let myself be happy – I have been very happy this week. This is, however, a very difficult season in my life. That’s the important thing we need to remember in difficult times – it’s just a season. If we continue trying to make smart choices and have the appropriate sacrifices, life will get better.
If, however, this wasn’t a season and like NF I really didn’t know how to be happy it becomes important to remember that the choices we make today create habits for tomorrow and the only way to change what’s happening now is to do something different. One of the biggest mistakes people make trying to be happy is they try too hard to find it. Happiness is like a cat; the more you chase it, the more it’ll runaway. You need to sit calmly and the cat will eventually find you. Other times, a sleepy cat will like if you pet it, but that’s only possible if you’re doing something else and then come across the cat. Similarly, we can sometimes find happiness while doing something else and then noticing it’s there to be touched. The other mistake people make is they forget that happiness isn’t meant to be a constant state. A full life is one that includes experiencing a healthy balance of all of our primary emotions, anger, sadness, fear, disgust, and happiness. All of our emotions are a gift, and it’s by embracing all of them that happiness will be easier to find. Hiding from fear doesn’t help us be happy. Burying our anger doesn’t help us be happy. Like trying to look smart, it’ll give you the opposite of what you’re wanting.
This week may you consider if you can be happy.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)