Our choices have consequences. Another way to put that is live so your future self will thank you. I was reminded of that lesson in January when I had to see the doctor. That’s a good start to a story: “A doctor? Someone was hurt… that’s awesome.” (That might just be because I’m a guy and somewhat heartless.) It was one of those moments where I didn’t need my wife nagging me to go – I’m a big boy now. Married women will know why that’s significant. I even called and booked the appointment myself – I know; I’m that responsible… when I’m that uncomfortable. I’ll avoid the details of my symptoms, but I’m sure you’ll be able to figure them out in a moment. When I was telling my doctor what I was experiencing, I mentioned my chiropractor thought my recent intense back pain might be the sign of something else like a kidney stone and my body was trying to get my attention. My doctor smiled at this idea… not in the comforting way, but more in the “That’s cute they thought that.” He said the symptoms were not kidney stone related; they were likely the sign of a STI. (Yeah, I think that made the story a bit more interesting… or gross). He said there was a one percent chance it wasn’t, but it sounded like Chlamydia or gonorrhea. Two words that sound very pleasant if you don’t know what they are like diarrhea (voted one of the nicest sounding words in the English language in a survey I read). And now you can probably guess the symptoms I had – you’re welcome. This was our following conversation:
- Doctor: Have you recently… um?
- Me: Cheated? No.
- Doctor: Would your wife… um?
- Me: Cheat? No, we have a two and four year old. Her idea of pleasure is napping.
- Doctor: What about in your past? Sometimes you can have a STI in your system for years before it shows itself.
- Me: Seriously, it can be there for years? That’s crazy… but again, no. We both waited until marriage to have sex… (jokingly) at least that’s what my wife told me.
- Doctor: (Looking relieved) Thank you. That’s so refreshing. I keep hearing stories of young people who think 10 partners isn’t a lot and that sleeping around is fine, but there are any consequences to it. And as you now know, they can show up years later.
Side Note: I love my doctor. We have a connection that lets him be honest with me, which I really appreciate. I also like that he’s bit of a germaphobe. It makes me laugh because he works with germs all day. Good thing he’s not a jerk-aphobe or he wouldn’t see me as a patient.
What’s crazy is no one I’ve asked knew that STIs can be in your system for years before they show themselves. Talk about a risk to your future self… and your future partners. You could both think you’re clean when you’re actually both a Petri dish ready to spread.
In case you were wondering, my symptoms looked like Chlamydia or gonorrhea, but the test results proved I was the one percent. I have to say, it’s nice being in the one percent, but can you imagine if I had cheated on my wife or had partners in my past? It took several days for the test results to come in, so I would’ve been losing my mind assuming the worst (and coming up with a believable lie to tell my wife). Can you imagine if I didn’t trust my wife not to cheat or that she had multiple partners before me? I would’ve been losing my mind assuming she was the reason I had my issues. Can you imagine the potential fights? My anger would’ve been volcanic because of how betrayed I would’ve felt. Thankfully I’m one of the few people who walked away not worried about something my wife or I did because our past self made some great choices for helping our present self. Our present choices are very important for our future.
One of the most important choices we can make is how we interpret things because a lot of our emotional hurt comes from our perception. A few weeks ago my wife said, “It hurt me when you said (comment).” My response was to apologize and then I followed it with a question. I tried to avoid the trap of “I’m sorry, but…” thereby erasing the apology. Instead, I went with “Do you think I was trying to hurt you or was I stating a fact?” She replied with the “But it feels like…” statement to which I countered, “Sure, but is that the truth or are you hurt from a misinterpretation? You made a meal for a family with a new born today and that was very kind of you, but now you’re too exhausted to do anything with me. For me to claim I’m disappointed because your kindness to someone else means I lose out is a true and fair statement.” Her counter: “But you’re ruining the good feelings I felt for doing something nice.” I tried to affirm her, “You should be proud for what you did. It was very nice, but I’m allowed to be disappointed.” To which she concluded, “But I don’t want you to be disappointed.” My wife is a very thoughtful person, but there are consequences to being thoughtful – it costs money, time, and energy. I’m not a very thoughtful person and there are consequences – I save money, time, and energy… and people like my wife more.
This situation leads to two important points. First, being nice to one person means someone else might feel left out. For instance, in traffic, if we let someone in we might make the person behind us angry. That doesn’t mean we shouldn’t ever be nice, but we should be careful when we do it. My wife wasn’t kind to these people to spite me. She had a pure heart doing what she did, but I’m allowed to feel second place because I lost out. In my eyes there were better days for her to do her kind act, but she chose that day, which means she needed to accept disappointing me. This leads to the second point: We need to let people be disappointed with us and simply apologize. The worst part about this situation is I felt disappointed and by stating that I got in trouble – that sucks. Women often complain their man doesn’t communicate, but that’s a major reason why. If a guy shares something negative, his wife often gets angry at him. My wife followed that pattern as she interpreted my comment as hurtful, but I was being honest. I didn’t want her to feel bad. I just wanted to know she cared about how I felt, and the best way to do that is to simply say, “I’m sorry you feel disappointed. I can see why. I’m glad you want to spend time with me. How about in two days I’ll make sure to have time for you?” This way she could feel good for her kindness and then show she cared about me with a rain check and that’s that. There doesn’t have to be any guilt or damage of good feelings. Make the person disappointed feel cared about and move on. Unfortunately, many married people will defend themselves rather than simply apologizing and offering a solution.
One of the worst interpretations is when stressed people only see their own stress. Because of how they feel, they assume it must be the result of their partner not be pulling their weight. If one person is stressed, however, there are three basic options:
- The other person isn’t pulling their weight.
- The other person is pulling their weight, but the partner doesn’t see it (maybe the person isn’t stressed or the stress isn’t obvious).
- The other person is pulling their own weight, but the partner is going overboard thereby feeling like the other person isn’t doing enough.
I know for me, it’s easy to feel stressed in the moment and want to blame my wife for not helping more. Meanwhile, she’s just as stressed as I am, but she’s doing something else to be helpful. We really need to be careful how we interpret things because good people end up divorced because of bad interpretations and the ensuing resentment.
Bonus Thought: Sometimes grownup kids don’t talk to their parents enough because the parents suck and/or the kids suck. Don’t assume you’re the problem or the innocent victim without some double checking the facts with some good questions. Be careful how you interpret.
This week may you consider how you can be kind to your future self.
Rev Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)