Last week we considered the idea that I come from a mindset that is inferior based while my wife and friend come from one that is a superior – they are so weird (written with love). To take this further, let’s consider this on a scale:
Inferior (-10)——We’re All Equal (0)——Superior (+10)
I’m not exactly sure where I’d put my friend and wife, but I’m thinking they’re both a five or less because they’re very generous and can be quite kind while not being arrogant or blatantly talking down to people (for the most part). That being written, since my wife didn’t recognize her position on the scale until recently either my friend’s simply higher up on the scale or more self aware. There is also a chance my wife flips between both sides, but considering guilt and people pleasing can be on either side of the scale as discussed last week, I see her as being more consistently on the superior side.
Like most scales I use, the ideal spot is the center. The most important thing for moving toward the center, besides knowing there is a scale, is recognizing facts and not letting lies and fears see us as better or worse than we are. Facts are facts. They’re not insulting or offensive; they are what they are. If we’re offended by facts, that’s our brain twisting something that is simply truth – but why be offended by truth? For instance, I’m 20-30 pounds overweight. If someone says this to me, they have poor social skills, but I shouldn’t be hurt. I either need to accept that this is my weight and/or do something about it. Being hurt has no value (unless it motivates change). If, however, the person talking to me is speaking out of disgust, they are being condescending, or trying to hurt me, it’s best to recognise that and then brush it off as they suck because these mean people suck (a simple truth). If anything we should try not to be hurt by these people because we shouldn’t give them what they want – power over us. That being said, being hurt by someone who wants to hurt isn’t necessarily a sign of weakness. If someone stabs you, you bleed. That’s not weakness. That’s reality. If someone stabs you with their words, being hurt means you are interpreting the situation correctly (good job… I guess). It’s okay to be hurt (you’re human), but work through dismissing it and don’t let it fester in your brain. What’s interesting is even though being hurt would normally appear like an inferior thing to experience I would argue that it can also be on the superior side: “Why aren’t you giving me special treatment?” Regardless of the side we land on, we need to be careful not to give bad people the power to hurt us because we should ultimately care more about what good people say. After all jerks will be jerks (another simple truth).
Sometimes facts can seem hurtful when it’s personal, but they’re still just facts. For instance, when my oldest was around the year mark my wife and I did swimming lessons with her. I know all parents think their kids are cute, but I would say she was the second cutest in the class. (Can a parent say that?) If my love was based on looks, this would be a problem, but since it’s not, it’s just a fact – she’s second place. If I was a director of a commercial, she would’ve been my second choice. My daughter had big greenish eyes, but they looked small compared to his ridiculously giant blue eyes. The simple fact is big eyes make things look cuter… at least for awhile. I saw him more recently and he peaked as a baby. (Can I say that?) Meanwhile, my daughter is still holding strong on the cuteness factor and will likely be a knock-out like her mom was in her teens and twenties. Even if she’s not, that doesn’t make me love her more or less – it’s just a fact. As you can likely imagine, my wife was not a fan when I pointed out that boy was cuter. She also disagreed: (wife) “No, ours is the cutest.” (me) “Is that more fact or your very biased opinion?” If anything doesn’t it make my love more real if I can acknowledge my daughter isn’t the best at everything and I still love her the same? Good parents look for ways to be proud of their kids because they are their kids. At the same time, kids should be doing things to help their parents have reasons to be proud. After all, it’s hard to be proud of a mass murderer… or it should be: (proud mom) “My son made it to the number three most wanted in Canada. He’s so talented.” To take this further, kids should be doing things to be proud of themselves – it’s easier to be proud of yourself when you don’t suck. What’s interesting is this can be a problem for people on both sides of this scale. Sometimes people feel inferior because they don’t do anything with their life and sometimes people think they’re superior because by not doing anything they can hold onto that illusion since there’s no proof against it. It’s interesting how perspective can put the same issue on either side.
One of my proudest accomplishments is writing (script and music) and directing a musical with a grade 12 drama class in my first couple years as a youth pastor. When I was in my undergrad, I wrote a screenplay, and somehow years later while volunteering in a drama class the teacher suggested I put it on stage as one of his grade twelve class’s major projects. It was amazing how it worked out because the class had the right students for the different roles, and no one was more perfect than the leading lady – she was spectacular. The truth is, however, she wasn’t the best singer or the best actor, but she was magnetic on and off the stage. It’s like the biggest Hollywood actresses are not the most drop-dead gorgeous or even talented – they’re alluring and you want to be their friend. There was even a new girl who joined the class right after we started rehearsals who had more stage experience and was a naturally better singer, but she would’ve been garbage compared to my leading lady. My leading lady ended up with lots of well deserved praise from the audience (and jealousy from other girls). One of the reasons I picked her was she radiated an inner beauty. I’ve only met a handful of people who would fit this description, but it’s incredible. Where they go, the world feels better because they bring joy. As a naturally negative brained person (it combines well with my inferior brain), I find people like this particularly refreshing. I also wasn’t the only one who noticed. I remember an older teacher I was close with saying to me she was proof that high school boys are idiots because she was single and didn’t seem to have any pursuers. He added if he was a student she’d be the one who would’ve stolen his heart because she was such a high quality person. Here’s a fun fact: a teacher saying this to another trusted teacher as a way to describe a student is fine (or it used to be), but saying this to the student is disgusting. I remember the 40 something year old overweight, married youth pastor I volunteered with saying to my single sister in her late 20s, “If I was your age, I’d be asking you out.” He thought this was a compliment and maybe it would’ve been if he was Ryan Reynolds, but… gross, no. Some facts you don’t say to the person because they’re inappropriate. I know the youth pastor was trying to be encouraging and he was sharing a fact, but some facts are better left not said to the person – that’s called social skills. Who would’ve guessed, a youth pastor didn’t have the best social skills.
What was interesting about my leading lady is despite having this incredible presence, she saw herself as inferior. As an outsider looking at her, it would’ve been easy to see her as someone who should be superior because she was so friendly and welcoming. Working with her, however, she had the same sense of rejection I felt at her age: “I’m single, so there must be something wrong with me.” Her thinking that wasn’t a fact; it was a lie, and a dangerous one if it caused her to settle for someone who was not the quality she deserved. It’s amazing how lies can appear like facts and knock down good people. As an outsider, we can wonder how someone like her can’t see how wonderful they are… but isn’t that something all inferior minded people struggle with? It really can be surprising who sees themselves as less because others see them as so great – the struggle of many parents: “Why don’t you see yourself the way we see you?” Meanwhile, superior people believe lies in a different way: “What I did is amazing… even though others don’t see it.”
As an inferior brained person I need to realize that not everyone is like me and that’s a good thing. Sometimes inferior based people do incredible things because they’re fueled with a desire to stand out while superior based people can do incredible things because they don’t see why they shouldn’t be able to do something: “Why wouldn’t I win the lottery?” In fact, my superior brained friend actually won a 50-50 draw at a Blue Jays game and took home a car. I wouldn’t have bothered buying a ticket because why would I win? Both sides have their benefits and dangers, but the healthiest position is in the center, which starts by recognizing facts and not twisting our thoughts to see ourselves as less than or better than others.
This week may you consider how you can be in the center.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, Learning to love dumb people (like me)