The pattern for what I call “mom depression” is pretty easy to see and diagnose: moms who are burnt out. This is the result of the mom putting way too much pressure on herself for being perfect and keeping up with everything. This can also be the result of the mom playing the martyr too often where she’s overly sacrificial and ends up resentful for always getting the short end of the stick even though she may have chose it. This is a very common problem I find as a therapist, and the fix is pretty simple for the mom – be fair to yourself (easy to say and hard to do). What I call “dad depression” is less common and less obvious, especially because people with this are less likely to see a therapist – guys are stubborn that way. I only ended up figuring it out after going through it myself – life is an excellent teacher albeit mean. Dad depression is different than a mid-life crisis because it’s less “Oh my goodness; I’m old so I better do something crazy to feel young,” and more “The highlights of my week include vacuuming and taking out the trash because I get a couple minutes to myself away from the kids.” Dad depression is also different than a concept I alluded to last week in my blog with the four types of wives. The one category, “Friendly to Others, But Nasty at Home Wife,” is a woman who slowly erodes her husband’s soul as she expects so much of herself and him that he never feels good enough. She’s essentially on the road to mom depression and he’s the collateral damage because we treat our partner the way we treat ourselves. In those situations, as a therapist I try to help the husband not give his wife so much power over his self worth and happiness, which is a definite challenge when a guy ties a lot of his self worth and happiness on making his woman happy. I also try to teach him to let his wife have emotions (i.e. you can’t fix it) and not take personally. This follows a lesson I’ve done before: Treat your partner like a baby because when a baby cries we should ask, “Are they hungry, tired, uncomfortable, need a distraction, or need a hug?” At the same time, I need to help the wife be nicer to herself (she’ll naturally be nicer to her husband if she does this) and create fair expectations. It takes two to make a relationship work, so when there’s an issue, both sides need to be making adjustments; it’s never just one person’s fault or problem when you’re married – you’re one.
Dad depression is different than both of these because it’s more about life eroding the dad’s soul (i.e. it’s not just the wife). It’s a period of feeling disillusioned and dreamless because life is beating him down. There’s a chance I could’ve avoided experiencing this, but after I lost a couple of my main coping tools in January on top of having excruciating back pain, I had nothing left stopping me from hitting this wall. Of course, this isn’t a sign of weakness, but my body’s way of saying, “Do something to improve this!” Going through my dad depression spell I remembered how I have seen a number of dads over the years in similar positions. There wasn’t any specific thing to blame for feeling so low – like me. Life was overall in good working order as work, marriage, and kids were tolerable to good – like me. If anything, because the three biggest areas in their lives were okay, they felt even worse because there wasn’t one good reason for feeling so low – like me. On the plus side, as someone who teaches there is good in all situations, I’m very grateful I went through this awful month because there’s something about going through a rough patch that can inspire creativity when we work through it. The key, of course, is to work through it and not drown it with booze, cloud it with pot, or bury our heads under something that’s really unhealthy like video games or talking to someone we shouldn’t. When our body speaks, we need to listen.
So why is there dad depression? Consider this idea: What would happen if we took a typical teenage boy and added four hours to his school day and stuck him in a cubicle by himself where he can’t look at cute girls his age or joke with his peers, and any breaks are less frequent and often solo or in a break room full of angry people. How much would he hate his school day? Then for his reduced amount of free time, take away most of his sports and friend time and replace them with household chores and tending babies and toddlers. How well is he going to handle that? He’s going to lose his mind, and that’s the crux of dad depression. Fortunately, being older it’s easier having a boring life because “been there, done that,” but it makes sense if at some point a dad asks himself, “Is this really my life? Is this what I worked so hard for all those years?”
What I find interesting is a lot of young girls are more likely to dream of their wedding day than boys. My two girls love playing with dolls and pretending to be moms. When I was a boy, I played with GI Joes. I never played with dolls (GI Joes are action figures), and I made the heroes have adventures with a side story of romance (I’ve always been a sucker for a good romantic comedy). There was never any hint of a baby in my stories. Kids, for me, were never the goal – getting a woman was; having a family was a nice idea, but it was never the goal because I was too worried/excited about the first one. Girls don’t dream of getting a guy in the same way. It’s like even at a young age they know they can get a guy if they really wanted. He might not be quality, but she can get a guy, which is why she can set her scopes to a broader level: “I’m going to get married and have two kids and live in this particular area while working my dream job, and etc.” Maybe that’s just a reminder that girls are generally more organized and guys are more easygoing, but it’s still a notable difference. If we take this idea that girls likely dreamed of having a family and then take a woman who has one it makes sense if she at one point wonders, “This is what I dreamed of? What was I thinking?” or “Okay, I have a family; now what?” For a guy, if we get the girl, “Okay… so what do you want me to do now?” or for losers, “Guess I don’t have to try anymore.” Since the guy had only dreamed of getting a girl it makes sense that at one point he thinks, “When did I go from having fun chasing girls to being a dad?”
This difference can be classified as girls play house while boys play adventure, and it leads to the natural parenting difference of the mom being, “Are you okay? Let me hug you,” and the dad being more, “You’re fine. Suck it up, and keep going.” These two mindsets are valuable in balanced parents, but there’s a reason boys typically don’t pursue babysitting jobs – that and what mom wants to hire a teen boy to watch her kids unless he was very special? Watching or playing with kids isn’t what guys typically want to do because our dream is never about being domesticated and having responsibilities; it’s about winning the heart of the fair maiden. Yet here I am a dad of two toddlers and most of my free time is spent taking care of them or fixing things they break around the house. Is this happily ever after?
Here’s the real kicker: On one hand I crave adventure and excitement and on the other, I wouldn’t trade my life for anything. As much as my kids suck the fun out of my life; they add so much to it. How messed up is that? Add in the fact that I know this is just a phase and one day I’ll be wishing my girls wanted to spend more time with me, so it’s hard not to feel this pressure to try to enjoy this time that’s a struggle – talk about a messed up reality.
Add to this men have a strange mix of goals: We want to have routine and to keep things simple, yet we want some adrenaline moments – the latter being important for fighting dad depression even if it’s a board game night where there’s a little competition. There’s a reason guys are drawn to sports and action movies. We need to feel a rush once in awhile. What’s crazy is depression can make us want to do the opposite of what we need. For instance, I knew I needed an adrenaline rush, yet I was repulsed at the idea of actually having one. Last week I was supposed to officiate a wedding (public speaking is a natural rush), but I had a brutal time writing the wedding ceremony and I dreaded doing it. Even though I knew it was good for me, my brain was fighting it; it was like being forced to eat vegetables. Fortunately, I know we need to listen to our body (i.e. I needed a thrill) and I learned a long time ago I need to fight my feelings because they can be liars.
What is important to remember is that guys are drawn to being protectors and providers – it gives us purpose – but being a dad can lead to dad depression without an outlet. For me, I need competition – like a normal guy. I need to laugh – like a normal guy. I need to get angry at someone outside of my family even if it’s just listening to a little angry music – like a normal guy. These are all things that can be found in sports or games that are competitive. Of course, with any recreational activity, we need to be careful to make sure we don’t do it to avoid our responsibilities, but to maintain sanity. Some guys take this too far and add to the wife’s risk of mom depression. We ultimately need to be working together to help each other be at our best in difficult phases, especially since both moms and dads are at risk of hitting a depression wall.
On top of this, I recently realized that I need to start being meaner as a dad. My mom warned me that I’ve been soft, and she’s right. I’ve been overly patient and letting my girls get away with things I shouldn’t. I haven’t let myself get angry at them in my attempt to be a good day when I’ve actually been passive and stuffing down the anger my girls should see once in awhile to learn not to do certain things. As a dad, my girls need to respect me and not see me as their servant. I need to be a leader and leaders need to lead.
This week may you consider what you need to help be at your best.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, Learning to love dumb people (like me)