Last week we discussed how Jesus gave great advice for how to have a healthy dating/marriage relationship because he taught how to be more loving and accepting of others. The specific lesson we focused on was: “You are a light,” (Mat 5:14) which followed the brighter you shine with love the better the chances of you drawing other loving people to you, and ultimately leading to healthier relationships. Because “you are a light” is such a rich teaching tool I would like to discuss another lesson that can be taken from this (two if you count the side note):
Side note: If you are being a light who shines that doesn’t mean you won’t end up breaking up. Sometimes two great people are not meant to be in a dating relationship. If you’re being a light, however, when you break up the other person should eventually, if not immediately, be able to say, “He/she is an awesome person. It’s too bad it just isn’t right for us to be dating each other.” You might have noticed I wrote the other person should “eventually” be able to say this because often in a break up the immediate response is a lot of anger, which is part of the grieving process. Ultimately, if you are a shining light, even your ex’s should miss you… and for more than your body.
Working with young people I have seen a lot of relationships come and go. The one question that keeps surfacing revolves around the theme of how much should I change when I start dating someone? Am I changing too much or too little? I have often struggled to have a good answer for this until now. Following Jesus’ teaching of being a light makes the answer become much more obvious. When we start to date someone we are naturally going to develop new habits and interests, but part of the fun of dating someone is experiencing the things they like to do, which can be very different. For instance, when I started dating my girlfriend she never played sports, but because I played Ultimate Frisbee, she joined in as a way to spend time together. This has led to us making new friends and sharing in some great moments, which she likely wouldn’t have had without dating me and trying something new.
The true litmus test for how much we should change is ultimately very simple: am I becoming a brighter light? I have a friend who was one of the most beautiful lights I have ever known when she was single, so it would’ve been impossible for her to shine brighter; thus, for her and other rare exceptions the question becomes: am I at least as bright as before? This is exceptionally rare however, and for 98% of the population we need to ask: am I becoming a brighter light? Ultimately, the hobbies and interests you have can change; the clothes you wear can change; your lifestyle can change; everything can change… EXCEPT your light should not go dimmer. Your hobbies and interests should not change if it takes away from you being a loving person. The clothes you wear should not represent a hardening of your soul. Your lifestyle should not reflect a harsher spirit. This means that if you start dating someone and you drop all of your friends you are screwing up. Having a dating relationship should never mean giving up all of your friends; the dynamic will likely change, but your friend status shouldn’t. The only exception would be if your friends were very unhealthy people and the new dating relationship brought this to light. If this is the case, however, you should not end up just the two of you, but if this happens then you need to be looking to make new, healthier friends. At the same time, you should never give up your friends and just take on your partner’s. You need to have your own friend(s), especially in case either of you needs to break up.
Dating someone should also mean not giving up the good things in your life. Working with young people I’ve seen a number of them start to date and then they suddenly stopped being involved in our youth group. The one thing that was helping them grow as a person was suddenly of no interest because they would rather be making out (at least I hope that’s all it is) in a basement. They’re getting physical satisfaction, but it’s at the expense of their character development. This may be tempting, especially for guys, but it’s not a healthy lifestyle choice and often leads to a very boring relationship.
I should note that becoming a brighter light does not mean you will always get along with your partner. I have been with my girlfriend for six and half years and despite our trials and conflicts – possibly because of them – we have both become much brighter lights. If you ask yourself am I becoming a brighter light and the answer is no you need to re-evaluate your relationship by asking the following:
- What am I doing wrong?
- What are we doing wrong?
- What is the other person doing wrong (if anything)?
You’ll notice that I put more emphasis on you rather than your partner. It’s your life, so it’s up to you how you choose to live and respond. Even if you decide you’re happy not being as bright a light as you could be that’s your choice; it’s selfish and lazy, but it’s still your choice.
May this week lead to you realizing the value of your relationship… or the lack in which case may this new understanding lead to a healthier relationship whether that means you’re dating or being single.
Rev Chad David, Emotional Sex, relationship tune up