This week I noticed that I have a problem… not the first time I’ve had this experience… I’m sure you’re surprised to read that. The sad thing is it’s actually a pretty common problem that most of us don’t really think about because so many people do it. I have a tendency to “brag” about how busy I am. Like most people with this problem I don’t purposely “brag” about it; it’s more of a subconscious bragging. It often goes undetected because it can seem innocent, but busyness is a growing problem in Western culture: (busy person) “I work 16 hours every day.” (other busy person) “I work 16 hours and drive my kids to soccer.” (busy person who can’t tell time) “I work 16 hours a day, drive the kids to soccer, and go to school another 10 hours a day.” Ever hear someone “brag” about how much they do? Sometimes the bragging comes across as complaining, but quite often there’s at least a hint of bragging underneath it: “Look at what I do; I’m such an important person.” You can tell that busyness is a growing problem because more and more people answer the question: “How are you?” With: “Tired,” like it’s a badge of honor.
There are many reasons for doing this, and I have five of them motivating me. First, I’m drawn towards feeling significant (This is explained in my book Emotional Sex with a chart I have from the book Why You Do What You Do). Wanting to feel important becomes a bigger problem during certain seasons of my life where I don’t really feel like I’m contributing anything of particular note. Second, the message ‘life is short so don’t waste it’ was ingrained in my head as a child, which has left me feeling like I need to do as much as I can before I die. This doesn’t mean this message is wrong, but I do need to continually remind myself that ‘not wasting time’ can also mean relaxing and/or visiting friends, which typically gets ignored for busyness. Third, I have always had a tendency to want to feel ‘good enough’. I find this is a typical problem for guys in general, which is largely connected to our sense of competition (I explore this in my new book coming out next year, Men are like Dogs). As stupid as it is I actually get disappointed with myself when someone seems busier than me like there’s a reward for who works harder. This likely has roots in the mindset that hard work is always rewarded, which is one of the biggest lies we can believe. Fourth, I have a strong propensity for being a workaholic, which means I’m going to also be drawn to bragging about what I do. Finally, and the most influential, I love stories. I like hearing great stories and sharing great stories, especially those that wow people even if it’s, “Wow, you’re doing how much?” I like to have things to say that impress people, which is strange when I’m a therapist and generally enjoy hearing people talk about anything. I guess my stage background still influences me and pushes me to want to be entertaining.
Do you or someone you know have this problem? Sometimes we simply need to be asked “Are you bragging about how busy you are?” to suddenly realize that we need re-evaluate our schedules and what we do. Sometimes we simply need to be reminded that it’s okay to say No to doing everything. In case you need to hear it, you can say No.
This week may you find ways to brag about how good life is rather than how busy you are.
Rev. Chad David, www.ChadDavid.ca, Learning to love dumb people