People suck… is that too honest? I’m including myself on that list, so it’s okay. Sometimes it’s hard not to say or do something I shouldn’t, but what can you expect when I’m a person? I might be a therapist, but sometimes I forget to bite my tongue and I say something I shouldn’t. I find the hardest time not to say something is when I want a situation to feel fair. The problem is I can either seek fairness or I can be the better person; you can’t have both. Fairness means if the other person appears to be rude, I’m rude back; if the other person appears loud, I’m loud back; if the other person appears mean, I’m mean back. See how that works? It’s very tit for tat. You give yin; I give yang… or however that works. But here’s the problem. Whenever I ask someone who started the fight, it’s always the other person. Whenever I ask who was mean first, it’s always the other person. Who started it is perspective, and we tend to see the other person as the bad guy. Grownups are just like kids: “They started it!” We can always justify our actions: “I had to yell at them because they yelled at me.” That’s so-called fairness. This is why people in divorce can get so nasty: “But I deserve (blank) because they did (blank).” People can always justify their behavior because they were seeking fairness. But again, if you seek fairness, you sacrifice being the better person. Why shouldn’t I yell at someone who first yelled at me? Because if I want to be the better person, I need to bite my tongue. If I yell back, I’m doing the same thing that they did; I’m equally bad. If you yell and I don’t, I’m the better person. If you swear, use insults, or have a condescending tone while I bite my tongue, I’m the better person. What’s unfortunate is in the moment our brain craves fairness and biting our tongue feels wrong – it wants justice. In the long run, however, what our brain really wants is to feel proud: “I bit my tongue. Screw them; I was the better person.” That might sound less than nice, but it’s the reality. If I bite my tongue – something that is very hard to do – then I need to give myself a mental reward later. Saying, “Screw you,” is a totally fair thing to do if the other person doesn’t hear us. It’s a form of venting and letting out our frustrations. The better person might scream and swear and say the meanest things possible, but it’s all done in a journal or privately in the car where no one else will hear it. The better person bites their tongue in the moment and releases their anger alone later. A foolish person bites their tongue and never releases it – that’s called bottling up and that leads to an explosion later.
Here’s a quick example where I was good. I recently had someone contact me about being their therapist. In their message they said they wanted someone who does in-person sessions and has an office with easy access parking. They also asked for my bio, which was weird because they found my contact on a website that has it already listed. Regardless, they knew what they wanted – good for them. My written response was “Thanks for reaching out. Unfortunately, I only work virtually. I’m guessing that means you won’t want to work with me, but in case you’re still interested, my website is www.chaddavid.ca.” I could’ve had a better message, but this was more of a quick note acknowledging I received their message with little expectation they’d want to use me. I’ve been turned down by a number of people who want in-person because for some reason they really want to spend the time and money to drive to an office and share germs with the risk of cancelling from weather or sickness. (Fun fact, virtual therapy has had better results than in-person largely because it’s so convenient people can do more sessions and there’s never a disruption from snow or sickness). Their response? A little shocking: “Considering how negative you are, I wouldn’t want to work with you. Best of luck.” What? Did you just insult me and then add a dig at the end: “Best of luck”? What is that? This message really threw me off because… what? Why did you bother responding if you were just going to be mean? My brain wanted to send an equally jabby response because my brain wanted fairness. Instead, I needed to be the better person – it’s part of my job. I sent an apology with a quick explanation that I meant I didn’t meet their criteria, so I figured they’d want to find someone else. This time they ghosted me… something they should’ve done the first time. At least I can be proud of myself for biting my tongue… although it still feels a little unsettling – they suck.
I recently had a moment where I didn’t bite my tongue, and guess who that was with? As many married people would guess, my wife. As much as I try, like a normal person, my desire for fairness sometimes wins… and I pay the price later. When we’re at home, having self control is harder because our home social filter tends to be more relaxed than our in public filter (like our clothes). Plus, a spouse often has a way of getting under our skin unlike anyone else. My wife is a champion at this, and she’d say that I’m the gold medal winner – two very different perspectives (aka “They started it”). So here’s the situation: I had opened the fridge to get something to eat and as I went to close the door, my two year old snuck in the way – never a good thing. She found her uncovered cup of apple cider on the top shelf of the fridge, and she clumsily went to grab it… you know, like a two year old. Before I could stop her, she was saying, “Sawy Daddy” – my two year old is the champion of messes, but at least she can be nice about it… sometimes. As the cider dripped from the top shelf of the fridge like a dirty waterfall, my response was below angry but slightly above calm, “Why was there an uncovered glass of cider in the fridge?” That is what I call a rhetorical question – not my wife. Personally, I still think I had a natural response that was fair to say out loud because I wasn’t yelling or directing a comment at anyone specifically. I was also happy I didn’t get harsh with my daughter because she already knew she made a mistake and apologized. Discipline is meant to correct a behavior and since she already knew to be apologetic, anything I could say to her was unnecessary. Meanwhile, my wife didn’t agree with my expression. She felt I had attacked her… even though it had nothing to do with her… yet. She came in the kitchen snapping, “You filled the glass too full and she barely drank it. What was I supposed to do, dump it in the sink?” In her mind, she was seeking fairness. Considering I wasn’t talking to her and I didn’t even know she could hear me from the other room, I now felt attacked – this wasn’t fairness in my eyes. So what’s my go-to? I in turn went for what I thought was fair. In my defence (aka my excuse) I had just finished work and I was trying to get something for dinner, so not only did I have my weaker home social filter, I had tiredness and hunger adding to my lack of self control. Sure, my wife was tired from watching the girls all day, but this is about me, so I’ll ignore that fact (you know, like a selfish person). My response to her: “What am I supposed to do, dump it in the sink?” was an exacerbated, high pitched from fear/shock, “Yes, pour it down the sink. Why set me up to clean a mess?” Like my earlier question, her question was rhetorical. She wasn’t looking for an answer. My response was completely unnecessary. We are now equal – although not in her mind because I now just one upped her.
Because my wife and I are both “get the job done” people, we both started trying to clean up the spill – guess how that went. Two agitated, tired people working in close proximity – that’s not ending well. One of us complained “You’re in the way!” I won’t say who said that, but while my wife loves physical touch, she hates people being too close to her when she’s working. As she was sopping up the cider with a cloth, I pointed out that we should take the shelf out to clean it properly. Guess how that went. Even the friendliest suggestion when someone is upset feels like criticism. Can you say, “Bad choice”? I don’t know what she said next, but my response was definitely far from making me the better person: “Is there anything else you want to criticize me for?” There’s the comment I really should’ve kept to myself. Was that how I felt? Absolutely. Was that a fair thing for me to say, especially when I often feel criticized, which is a very normal husband complaint? Absolutely. I was seeking fairness and I got it… at the expense of being the better person. It also meant I was left to clean up the spill on my own and I had a very upset wife – bugger.
Another less-than-great moment was when I was helping my two year old and something small spilled. My wife said to me, “You’d better clean that,” and my go-to response was a sarcastic, “Oh really? I never would’ve guessed that.” Yup, this therapist can be a jerk. That’s what happens when our brain seeks fairness. Unfortunately, “fairness” often looks like being a jerk. I guess I still have some things to learn, but we’ll keep that between us.
I should note that if we do something out of kindness or simply bite our tongue when someone is angry at us and the other person gets angrier: “You think you’re better than me for not saying anything?” That’s fine. Let them be angry. Let them think you’re a bad person… because that’s what they are being. People accuse others of what they do. If they’re being bad, don’t seek fairness because that only makes you bad as well. Bite your tongue and release your anger later – be the better person… unlike me.
This week may you strive to be the better person
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)