This year I was able to publish two books, which can be found on Amazon or through my website; the benefit of my website is it offers a free PDF version. The Happy Squire: More Christmas stories to encourage & inspire continues the tradition from the first Happy Squire Christmas (hence it’s a sequel). A Christmas Carol 2: Be a little more Scrooge was originally meant to be part of this sequel, but it was too long and deserved its own book. Hopefully this Christmas you can be encouraged and inspired.
The following is one of the more unique stories from The Happy Squire: More Christmas…
King Herod’s Terrible Command
Please Note: The following story is based on Matthew 2:16, which is a horrific moment in the Christmas story about babies being murdered. It often gets skipped over when pastors give a Christmas speech – genocide isn’t a heartwarming topic, but I like a challenge. Interestingly, this moment is one of many connections between the story of Jesus (found in the first four books of the New Testament) and the story of Moses (found in the second to fifth book of the Old Testament, which means both Jesus and Moses got 4 books written about them in the Bible – you could say they’re both kind of a big deal). The comparisons between Jesus and Moses are fascinating (if you’re a history geek like me). For instance, Moses was meant to bring the Israelites to freedom after years of slavery. They had originally settled in Egypt as described in the story of Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. Broadway theater fans will know that reference (because they’re awesome). Broadway is like Christmas (it’s amazing). Similarly, Jesus was meant to bring believers to freedom from the slavery of sin. It’s also fun to note that Jesus’ dad’s name was Joseph and he was told in a dream to go to Egypt for a short period to save Jesus from Herod’s infant slaughter (the period of the Jesus story that the following is about), which means both stories include Josephs going to Egypt before the savior comes. See how cool the similarities are? Okay, maybe it’s just me who finds that cool, but that comparison is much better than how both stories start with baby murder. Regardless, let’s get into some twisted humor.
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fter the troops had been assembled, the head soldier excitedly announced from his balcony, “We have new orders!”
“Arrrgh,” cheered the soldiers.
“It’s a red envelope, so we get to kill people!” exclaimed the head soldier triumphantly holding a red envelope above his head.
“Arrrgh,” cheered the soldiers.
As the soldiers shouted words of excitement (i.e. arrrgh), the head solider ripped open the letter and read it aloud. “King Herod has given you a special mission!”
“Arrrgh,” cheered the soldiers.
“He demands that we kill…” the head soldier paused for dramatic effect.
“Arrrgh,” cheered the soldiers.
“All the male babies!” Suddenly, the soldiers quickly went silent. The head soldier was very confused as he reread the letter he had just announced without pre-reading.
From the back of the group, one soldier yelled, “I thought I heard you say all the male babies, but that can’t be right.”
“It says we are to kill all the boys age two and under?” announced a confused head soldier. “That can’t be right.” The head soldier began to read the letter to himself to triple check what he was reading. As he read the letter, his face showed increasing confusion. “Um, King Herod the Great wants us to kill all the boys two and under, and it doesn’t say why.”
“That doesn’t sound very ‘great’ of him,” commented a soldier.
“No, it doesn’t,” replied the head soldier still studying the letter like he was looking for a side note that said, “Just kidding.”
“Do we only kill the sick ones who are dangerously contagious?” asked a confused soldier.
“No, it’s all of them,” replied the head soldier.
“Do we just kill the bad ones that are on Santa’s Naughty List?” asked a historically inaccurate soldier.
“No, it’s all of them, so even the good kids,” replied the head soldier.
“Do we just kill the ugly ones the milkman made with the women while the husbands were at work?” asked a soldier trying to lighten the mood.
“No, it’s all of them,” replied the head soldier still in disbelief.
“What if we have sons that age?” asked a worried soldier.
“That’s not looking good for you and your marriage,” shared an increasingly worried head soldier.
“Are the mom’s supposed to just let us?” asked a concerned soldier.
“I imagine not… unless you catch one whose son has been crying all day,” replied the head soldier.
“Uh, angry women scare me, and I’m thinking there’s going to be some very angry women if we do this,” pointed out one soldier.
“Arrrgh,” chanted everyone else with concern in their tone.
“Can we just invade another land and do some carefree pillaging?” asked another soldier. “That’d be a lot safer.”
“I’m afraid not,” begrudgingly answered the head soldier.
“Uh, I’m calling in sick!” announced a soldier.
“Me too! I have what he has,” yelled another soldier.
“No one’s allowed to call in sick,” corrected the head soldier.
“My carpal tunnel syndrome is acting up, so I’m not going to be able to hold my sword,” announced another solider.
“I have a headache,” shouted another soldier.
“A headache isn’t a reason not to do something,” corrected the head soldier.
“That’s not what my wife says,” replied the soldier who claimed to have a headache.
“Look, I don’t like these rules either, but this is what we’ve been given to do. I’m sorry, but orders are orders. We aren’t meant to question them. We are merely servants who get to do cool things once in awhile. This is not one of those times. I’m sorry.” With that, the head soldier walked away and left the soldiers to digest what their orders demanded of them. Slowly, the bewildered soldiers left in their squads to follow their orders.
Later, when all of the soldiers came back together, there was a strange mood in the air. When the head soldier came out and asked if everyone had followed their orders, they all agreed. Part of the head soldier seemed sad at this, but also relieved because he knew if his soldiers didn’t follow their orders, he would be responsible for punishing them (aka kill them). Hesitantly, he asked, “So what was it like? I mean, killing in battle is one thing, but how was this order?” He was a hardened soldier with many years of experience, but he wasn’t a monster. Even he knew King Herod’s orders were pretty unthinkable.
The first squad leader replied, “We were very fortunate. We only met families with girls age two and under. Not a single boy. Some looked like boys, but all of the parents confirmed that they were just ugly girls.”
“We were also very fortunate. We found families only had three year old boys. Some were very underdeveloped for their ages and not walking or talking yet, but all of the parents told us their boys were at least three,” shared the second squad leader.
“Oddly enough, we were very fortunate, too,” announced the third squad leader. “We only found families that had goats and dogs that walked on two legs.”
The head soldier began to smile. “Is this the case for all the squads? No one actually found boys two or under?” All the other squad leaders agreed. “Well then, I guess I should be congratulating all of you for following such difficult orders. I know it must have been very hard, but you have made this town proud. I will make sure King Herod is aware that his orders have been done without any issues. Any questions before you’re dismissed?”
“Can we stop calling him ‘Great’?” asked a soldier in the back.
“I’m pretty sure he won’t want to change that,” replied the head soldier.
“Can we add ‘meanie pants’ after his title?” asked another soldier in the back.
“I’m guessing he won’t want to be called ‘the great meanie pants,’ but who knows, I will look into it,” replied the head soldier smiling. “If I may say, as your leader, I am very grateful you have been so diligent as to make sure you haven’t harmed any innocent children; it would’ve been awful to kill a boy not under two or confuse a girl with a boy. Hopefully our next orders will be easier and we’ll go back to killing grownups because who cares about them?”
“Arrrgh,” cheered the soldiers.
The end.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)