In my book Emotional Sex: Making Good Relationships Great I teach ‘forgive & protect’ because we need to be finding the lesson in our hurt in order to prevent it from happening again. This past week I was reminded of this. Alyshia and I never shared a bed before we got married… yeah, I was old fashioned that way… and I like my space, so that was a convenient reason. Sharing a bed this month has been a fun transition. She is tiny furnace; holy cow. I want her to steal the covers because I’m roasting by the middle of the night. This week we had a particularly fun night. I woke because I heard “Ow!” Not the word you want to hear from your partner. “What’s wrong?” I groggily asked. In an extra whiney voice I heard, “You punched me.” “Huhn,” I said and I rolled over. I figured if I said anything more it would lead to a conversation I didn’t want to have at 3am when I could be sleeping. Later that night I woke up again because I heard “Ow!” “What’s wrong?” I groggily asked. In a super extra whiney voice I heard, “You punched me again.” “Huhn” I said and I rolled over. It worked the first time, so I did it again. A little while later I woke up a third time, “Ow!” This time I figured I knew what happened because I’m like Sherlock Holmes: “Did I punch you again?” “No,” she said, “You elbowed me in the face.” “Huhn,” I said, and I rolled over. I wish I could get away with that move while we’re awake (her) “Who left the milk bag empty?” (me) “Huhn (roll over),” and problem averted.
In retrospect, I don’t understand why I was allowed to sleep in the bed all night or why she didn’t put on my hockey equipment to protect herself from my apparently violent sleep tendencies. I personally wonder if she was just dreaming that I hit her. After all, there weren’t any visible marks that I hit her. You’d think the elbow to the face would at least produce a bruise or fat lip; but nothing. Either way, I recommend this move to anyone just starting to share a bed with someone because now if I’m ever angry at her I can get a jab in and claim that I was asleep, (girl) “Ow, you punched me.” (dumb guy) “Sorry, I do that in my sleep.” (girl) “You’re driving right now; you’re not sleeping.” (dumb guy) “Oh, right.” I’m kidding about this, of course; I’m not promoting hitting a women. Although there is a double standard with this because we were telling my friend what happened and Alyshia punched me in the ribs saying, “He hit me like this (hit).” Because she’s a girl her hitting me with a witness watching was somehow okay. I wouldn’t have been able to get away with that. I have to pretend I’m asleep… I mean. Her first hit caught me off guard, but after the second one I moved. I’ll forgive her for hitting me, but I’m going to protect myself, especially since I don’t want an elbow to the face. That would be an interesting story though: (nurse) “How did you get knocked out?” (me) “My wife was demonstrating how I hit her in my sleep to a friend.” How do you respond to that? I’m guessing some women would cheer (some women) “You go girl,” but people who appreciate equal rights and it being wrong to hit anyone regardless of gender… you know, what we should be teaching… would simply call me a wuss for letting my wife beat me up. Either way I guess I lose.
The important lesson from this situation (besides Alyshia likes to have an excuse to hit me) is she didn’t protect herself after. Alyshia didn’t do anything to prevent the problem from happening again, which led to it happening again. She should’ve done something even if it was to move out of reach. If you ask me I think she’s crazy for being anywhere near me in my sleep because the week before I apparently head butted her… that’s another story… and again no mark. Apparently I’m super violent in my sleep… or she’s quite the dreamer. Ultimately, it’s healthy to forgive people, but it’s foolish to simply forget. We need to learn the lesson and prevent it from happening again. This both protects us from the hurt and it protects the other person from hurting us. We need to be careful not to set ourselves or anyone else up to fail.
This week may you protect yourself from the hurts that would come by simply letting things happen that we can prevent.
Rev Chad David, www.ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people