Before grade eight I was a husky kid. You could say “big boned…” if you want to lie. My bones were very normal. I was chunks-ahoy, flubby bubby, plump-zilla. I was never “fat.” I would say I had functional chunk because my weight helped me be stronger in sports. I was big enough to be hard to move and to help me push through people, but I wasn’t so big that I couldn’t move. The weight had its bonuses… although at the time I was often one wrong insult away from running away to cry in a corner (like a boss). Back then I hadn’t learned how to stuff all my emotions down (like a dude). In the summer before going into grade eight, however, I was ready to change that… not the crying part. I still have that (still a boss). I was ready to lose the functional chunk. Why? One simple word – girls. This is supposed to be how it works. Girls are supposed to inspire guys to be better. The hope of impressing them, making them smile and laugh, to have them want to talk to us are supposed to make guys become more than what they would be on their own. This is one of the reasons why women saying to a guy, “You should want to change for you,” means nothing to a guy. If given the choice, I’m happy to be lazier. Women can do things because it’s good for them, but not guys. We don’t care enough… unless it’s to impress the right girl. This also isn’t just a teenager thing. I’ve met guys on the plus side of 50 who had completely lost their desire for sex with their partner (and themselves), but when they got divorced, their drive skyrocketed and inspired them to be better. The dream of getting a girl can inspire single men of all ages to be better. If guys aren’t inspired, the main reasons are either porn and/or video games have crushed his drive or he’s so discouraged he’s given up having hope. Either way, it’s a form of brokenness. We’re supposed to want to peacock and impress women.
Growing up I dreamed of what it’d be like to get a girl. I’d watch movies like the Little Mermaid (I was very innocent) and shows like Saved by the Bell (I was also lame) and I’d dream about the time I could fall in love and get my first kiss, which would mean my one foot rising up (something I still don’t get; is that a weird innuendo or just a TV thing?) Movies and TV generally make stories around getting a girl. Why? It’s exciting and fun… or in real life it can be incredibly discouraging and soul crushing when you’re over 25 and/or out of school and the good options have disappeared or gotten married.
Movies and TV gave me ideas for how to appeal to girls and how to treat them when you first date, but what I never learned is what it takes to keep a girl. If you asked me back then I would’ve said you’d just keep doing what you did to get her. Nope. That’s waaaay too much work (I’ll be honest). Back then I didn’t understand the power of the honeymoon phase. This is the phase people can get addicted to because it can feel so good. It’s what creates the affair fog where people cheat and think this new person is the answer to their depression. Nope, that’s just the honeymoon phase; the problems are still there under the surface. As months pass the butterflies disappear as commitment sets in and the risk factor of breaking up drops. Soon there’s nothing really new to discover and you get into the routine of just being with each other. The affair honeymoon phase, however, can last longer because it can be fueled by the resentment the person has to their partner. At some point, all honeymoon phases pass and things go from exciting to dullsville… and as someone who has been with their partner for over 17 years, I love dullsville. The idea of dating makes me nauseous. I’m good not having the drive I used to have. I’m still workaholic prone, so I’m far from lazy, but what I’m working on is less making my body look its best and achieving things to impress girls and more basic things like caring for a house and providing for my family. That’s how it’s supposed to work. If my wife died, those priorities are changing back. Suddenly, I’m less worried about my gardens and more concerned with the dad bod that’s been subtly forming. God willing I’ll follow the statistics and go before my wife (my family’s heart disease history compared to my wife’s grandma being 95 will likely help with that). I’m happy never having to get back into the dating pool, especially at my age. Based on what I hear, the pool is pretty nasty and I’d be more likely to find swamp things.
When I was young, I never really thought about this commitment stage, but I adapted quite well because my parents helped me have a work ethic and want to be a decent person. What became the greater challenge, however, has been realizing there is a third level. There isn’t just getting a girl and keeping her; there’s having a healthy relationship. There are many people who’ve kept their marriages going, but not everyone has had healthy relationships. What’s healthy mean? Healthy is NOT just avoiding fights. Not fighting doesn’t mean things are good. That might be a sign someone or both people are bottling up what they’re thinking and feeling with a high chance of one or both building resentment. Healthy is also NOT based on how big a house the couple owns or how many trips they take in a year. Healthy is NOT connected to materialism. Materialism doesn’t really do anything besides give bragging rights and build potential jealousy for others. Healthy is also NOT having successful children. Sometimes kids are successful in spite of their parents and sometimes great parents end up with the worst kid, which makes very little sense.
Healthy is more about the connection the couple maintains. It’s growing a soul mate as the couple builds connection through the triumphs, trials, and everyday life using healthy communication tools when calm and frustrated, which is largely founded on self control (i.e. love is patient, kind…) and appreciation for each other. It’s easy to get too focused on our own needs and not our partner’s, especially when we’re going through a rough time. Plus, life, itself, can easily divide a couple if we allow ourselves to start spending too much time alone. Even the nicest people can lose connection if they’re not purposefully taking time to stay connected.
So how do you build a healthy relationship? The other day I was listening to my neighbors working outside. He retired a few years ago from being a line worker at the Ford plant and has the gruffness and directness you’d expect of a factory worker while she has an administration position in an office. I’ve heard them talk many times before and for some reason the other day I said to the wife, “It’s really great how well you two communicate.” She was gracious in how she accepted the compliment and confessed it can be hard sometimes, but she added she understands where he comes from. I’d translate this to mean she realizes his heart is good even if the words or attitude isn’t. It sounded like they both assume the best of each other – that helps. From my experience, I’d say they have a more natural connection because of their personality types (he’s really a softy), but if I’m being honest (like I’ve been in the rest of this lesson), a healthy relationship is largely based on how the woman perceives the man. Some guys suck, but a lot of us get accused of sucking and doing things we’re not doing: You’re judging me – Nope. You’re trying to manipulate me – I’m way too tired to do that. You just want to do your own thing and not do my list of chores – Absolutely, but I’ll still do some things I don’t want to do because you want them, but there’s a limit. Ultimately, every guy should have a say in how he spends his time and not just be a servant to his wife’s Honey-Do List just like the wife shouldn’t be a servant to the family.
My wife and I are the opposite of our neighbors. We have very little natural connection (maybe zero natural connection). Even with 17 years under our belt, there are so many misses between us. We regularly say things the other doesn’t hear. I’ll repeat a question after thinking she didn’t respond and she’ll reply, “Yeah, I answered (blank).” Meanwhile, I’ll say things and she’ll regularly make a guess of what I said and not be even slightly close: “Did you say, ‘The pineapple ate the storm trooper?’” (me) “Why would you even guess that?” (wife) “That’s what I heard.” We’re terrible for hearing each other, and even when we do hear the other it might go wrong. The other day she was weeding and asked me about a plant. I didn’t look up because I was in the middle of something and replied, “All I care about is the big one; the others are weeds and can go.” When I had a chance to look over, guess what plant was now in the yard waste bin? She said she had been holding the plant when she asked me, so if I had turned to look I would’ve noticed (I still likely wouldn’t have noticed). Confused I replied, “But I said not the big one. This is the big one.” My wife retorted, “I thought you meant the peonies,” which was even more confusing to me because wouldn’t I have said “the peonies” (the plant we both know the name of) and not “the big one” (the title I gave the plant neither of knew the name of)? Not only that, but this is a plural versus a singular situation; “peonies” are many and “the big one” is singular. Add in the fact, the plant still had the new plant tree ball happening when she pulled it out and I had no idea how she came to the conclusion it wasn’t a planned plant. She argued it looked like a weed, but it’s a fall plant that hasn’t bloomed yet. How big was this plant? It’s three feet tall and the stalk is like tree bark. How’d she not even guess it’s meant to be there based on how solid a plant it is? As this points out, the biggest part of our lack of natural connection is our logic is very different. Coincidentally, early in our dating relationship we were at a Chinese restaurant with her family and the Chinese calendar we read was very clear that people born when we were don’t mix – maybe they were onto something.
Fortunately, just because we don’t naturally connect as well as others doesn’t mean we can’t work to be better. What’s great about this is sometimes people who have to work harder end up in a better spot later because we’re forced to find ways to work. There’s a reason a lot of the people I’ve met going through divorce say things like, “We were the couple all of our friends guessed would be together forever.” I guess the natural connection wasn’t everything. Having to work a bit harder at the start can be great for the future like how I had to start exercising as a kid because that created healthy habits that have helped me not be as dad bod-ed as I could be.
So how does an unnatural couple like us keep connection? Having similar friends is helpful. Doing small projects together and/or being on the same team for things. Trying to appreciate what the other does. Trying to adapt to the other person’s needs where appropriate. Making time to talk for 5-30 minutes every day. Reading things like my blogs, books, and/or news pieces and discussing them. Believing in marriage and not letting the thoughts of divorce enter our heads even when we’re upset. Having loving people in our lives who believe in and encourage us. I’d also say church is a huge help because it’s a great connection point for the entire family and a set time we get together every week.
This week may you consider how there are three levels and that ultimately we should aim for having an emotionally healthy relationship.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)