The best thing about words is they can lead to some funny moments. The other day my just-turned-four year old asked for some “raw toast.” That’s one way to ask for bread. Even funnier was my other daughter. A few months ago before my wife gave birth to our third, my oldest daughter very confidently announced, “I know babies come out your bum.” She was close… but very wrong. My wife needing a c-section told her that the baby would be taken out with instruments (she was trying not to be graphic). That same daughter replied, “They’re going to take the baby out with a guitar?” I tried to tell her guitar music is powerful, so you need to be careful what you listen to, but my wife shut that down. Something about not scarring her? Moms. It’s great how innocence and language can team up to create very funny situations.
In all things there is good and bad. As wonderful as it is for language to be used for humor on purpose or by mistake, words can also lead to terrible moments. In January, 2018, my sister went into surgery because she had an aggressive cancer lump that needed to be removed and we were all praying it hadn’t gone to her lymph nodes yet because that would most likely mean a bucket being kicked. It was a pretty scary situation for all of us. At the same time, my wife was pregnant with our first daughter, and we hadn’t told anyone the name yet. I had planned this very heartfelt moment, and it was perfect… in my head. Reality is often a different story. Minutes before my sister was rolled away in the bed for surgery I told her, Lori Rae, my daughter’s name would be Gracie Rae after her. I thought this would show how much she meant to my wife and I – the heartfelt moment – but that’s not what she heard. Moments before surgery my sister heard her brother proudly say, “I’m naming my first daughter after you because you’re going to die!” That was definitely not what I was going for… but now after knowing she’s fine, it’s pretty funny in a dark way. What’s crazy is my sister brought this up the other day and I had no recollection of it: (me) “Is that what happened? Oh man, my memory’s terrible.” Maybe my brain blocked it or just let it go like a dude, but my sister remembered it because traumatic events tend to stick with people, and that was pretty traumatic for her.
This leads to an important point: Communication is at high risk of misinterpretation because of three main levels:
- The person speaking needs to know what to say and how to say it in a clear way.
- The person listening needs to hear what’s actually said, and have enough understanding of the language and situation to interpret it properly, and not twist it to be a personal attack.
- The person listening needs to remember what was actually said; unfortunately, memories are fickle and can be influenced by emotion (“But it felt like that’s what you said,” is a very dangerous statement)
It’s amazing how often people screw up what they really want to say, especially in serious conversations. Sometimes we don’t really know what we’re trying to say, but we hope to figure it out as we’re talking (i.e. external processing), and then we get lost on bunny trails that take us down paths we never intended to go (i.e. distractions that cause the original point to be lost). This is particularly bad in fights where you start with one issue and then defensiveness causes you to end up in a very different place where you shouldn’t have gone because it’s a distraction from the real point and causes more anger. This is why it’s really important in serious situations to have already processed what you want to say and say it in one sentence because it’s easier to hear, digest, and respond to properly because there aren’t any distractions (aka frivolous details). In order to get your one sentence it can be helpful to focus on your goal for what you’re sharing. Too often our sharing gets muddled with venting and a subconscious desire to hurt the other person. Because words mean little, however, we as listeners should be more patient with the sharer when they don’t get out what they’re trying to say, and be willing to give them some prompting to summarize their point, “So is this what you’re trying to say (one sentence)?”
I should point out that words might mean very little, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t compliment each other. Kind people give kind words. What’s unfortunate is we tend to brush off the compliments while holding onto the negatives. It’s like our brain wants to believe the mean (and likely untrue) stuff more. What’s dumb about that is heightened emotions tend to cause us to say stupid things whereas compliments aren’t given in anger: (angry person) “You’re the best!” (another angry person) “No, you’re the best!” (angry person) “No, you are!” If someone says to me, “My partner told me they want a divorce,” I always ask, “Were they angry or calm when they said it?” Saying it in anger is likely just a threat to get the other person to back off (a very dangerous threat that will get the other person thinking they should prepare for divorce) whereas a calm person saying they want a divorce wants a divorce. Unlike mean words that typically get said out of emotion and/or payback, compliments are said out of a level head. Unless the compliment is from someone trying to use you (e.g. they want to boingy-boingy), the compliment is real and, therefore, should be accepted as truth unlike the mean words.
Tip: Compliments are a good reminder that we can easily get our point out in one clear sentence.
On the other end of compliments, I’ve found there are three types of abusers. Abuse is when one person attacks and the other just takes it in a feeling of weakness and helplessness whether there’s a power difference (e.g. boss vs. worker) or they don’t know how to stand up for themselves with someone at the same level as them (e.g. coworkers or spouses). A lot of people will tell me they were abused, but they were fighting. Fighting is two equal people doing mean things to each other whether yelling, eye rolls, digs, condescending looks etc. The three types of abusers are:
- Desperate Attacker: Loud, threatening, and insulting, this aggressive person is compensating for their insecurity. They’re like an injured dog ready to growl, snap, or bite to protect themselves. This can be scary, but it’s important to remember it’s all fear based.
- Cold & Condescending from Fear Attacker: This person can feel cruel and heartless, but it’s also rooted in fear. This passive aggressive person acts like they’re better than you, but they’re very insecure and their talking down attitude and mental warfare is self protection.
- Cold & Condescending from Superiority Attacker: This person can feel cruel and heartless because they are. This passive aggressive person acts like they’re better than you because they actually see you as less than them. Their talking down attitude and mental warfare is to put you in your so-called place.
- Bonus: The Exploder: Some people will argue that those who explode are abusive, but I’m not so sure. If they’re exploding, that’s a sign they’ve been bottling up hurt and/or stress and they lose their mind. Are they really abusers or someone who has been experiencing hurt and potential abuse themselves and then suddenly losing their minds? Quite often a person exploding is a sign the other person has been in the Cold & Condescending Attack zones and something snapped.
Understanding these categories is helpful because it helps point out how frivolous words are. The first (and potentially second) attacker is based on fear and self protection, which means they’re likely saying things that aren’t fully true. It’s defensive behavior. The third (and potentially second) attacker is more likely to use true words in their attacks, but they’re just twisting true statements to sound hurtful: (attacker) “Chad, you have fat lady hips.” (me) “Yup. That’s true.” (attacker) “And you have no real fashion sense.” (me) “Yup, true again.” (attacker) “Why aren’t you getting upset?” (me) “You’re stating true facts. Why would I be hurt?” The biggest problem with abusers is they’ll say things we believe and we’ll take the comments as a weapon to beat ourselves up. Thus, the biggest bully in an attack is actually the person being attacked because they’re bullying themselves. You can’t bully someone who doesn’t beat themselves up. If someone is bullying us, we should be finding a healthy way to “fight” back instead of fighting ourselves. This brings us back to the original point that we should be seeing the truth in compliments and second guessing what’s said in hurt.
This week may you consider how to focus more on the compliments you’ve been given (maybe write them down) instead of believing hurtful things said in hurt.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)