I was recently driving down a more country-ish road, and there was a guy I`m guessing in his early thirties standing beside a mailbox without a shirt on. I think it’s safe to say he was getting his mail. Yes, I could be a detective: (person in awe) “How’d you figure that out?” Like most guys I see without a shirt on not at a pool my response was “Whoa.” My normal whoa is more “Whoa, what are you thinking? Hide your shame or at least protect other people’s eyes,” (a fact more than a judgement because these people are the opposite of eye candy, more eye vomitous). This guy, however, was “Whoa, you’re jacked!” because he was… jacked. Yes, I’m man enough to admit another man looks impressive. When I’ve been to Great Wolf Lodge (I’ll take my kids for a night once a year if there’s a sale – like a baller) I always wear a swim shirt partly because I can burn in the rain, I’m so white, without a shirt on, people need sunglasses around me (hence the burning in the rain), and my body has never led anyone to say: “Whoa, he’s jacked!” Even as a teenager my body has always been more: “Whoa, you’re not terrible, but you don’t work hard enough to really look good.” And looking good has only become further away with each decade since I gained 10 pounds around the time I turned 30 and again at 40 without doing anything different (getting older is awesome). It’s like my body hits the decade birthday and is like (said in an Arnold accent) “We’re going to ‘plump’ you up!” (which is a very out of date SNL reference.) or “Let’s get squishier” (which is an even older Olivia Newton-John song reference). When I’m at Great Wolf Lodge I find there are a lot of very confident, overweight, middle age men with hair patches billowing everywhere walking around like they’re the man while I can’t help wondering, “Is your mirror giving you a different image than what I’m seeing because you are waaaaaayyyy too confident with your strut-dle (part strut, part waddle).” Meanwhile, there’s always one dad often covered in tattoos who’s fully jacked. As a dad with young kids, my first thought when I see this guy is “Do you ever see your kids? Do you have a full time job? How do you have time to look like that?” Again, it’s not judgement. It’s more confusion. How?
Seeing the guy beside his mailbox on the street he was on, at a house that was very well manicured (another very time consuming activity), I assumed he didn’t have kids and he still lived with his parents because that’s the only way to explain how he could afford to live in a house on that street and look like that… or maybe he was a male gold digger and living pretty (literally).
As someone who’s really cheap, you’d think seeing a guy like that my brain would go straight to: “How much do you spend to look like that?” Between gym membership, legal supplements (and illegal supplements), and excessive amounts of chicken, being big like that costs a fortune. It also takes a lot of really hard work and sacrifice. He’s earned the “whoa.” If I looked like him, I don’t know if I’d bother owning a shirt: “I’m sexy and I know it!” (Still not a modern reference). Even places that say “No shirt, no shoes, no service,” would be like “That doesn’t apply to you. Other guys take people’s appetites away, but you’ll help bring in customers. Can you stand outside our restaurant and say you eat here?” To be honest, even if I was younger and had the genetics to look like him, I wouldn’t be open to spending the money, time, and energy to look like that. And this realization led me to a new realization: Our life is based on what pleasures we choose because what we choose will naturally eliminate other options. For this guy, impressing people with his body was the pleasure he was choosing. For me, I choose carbs. I love pizza, white bread, and eating cookies. You can’t eat that and look like him. We’ve each made our priorities and I’m happy with mine: (observer) “Whoa, I’m glad you wear a swim shirt.” (me) “I’m married with kids; that’s the way my body is supposed to be – unsexy.”
Meanwhile, I was at Walmart the other day and the couple behind me in line combined were probably more weight than a typical family of four with teenagers since they must have been 350-400 pounds each. Looking at their food choices, their bodies reflected their priorities: Easy to prepare food that’s high in fat and calories without a single item found in nature. The bigger issue (pun intended), this guy also chose not to wear deodorant… not a good choice. And it wasn’t the slight “I think that’s BO,” smell people who regularly shower and forget to put deodorant on one day. His smell suggested he was saving a few dollars never owning a stick, which is strange when it’s one of the most wonderful gifts the world has been given. It’s a gift that keeps giving. He was definitely eliminating the pleasure around him with his stank (and the ability to breathe). Although interestingly, he brought me great pleasure when I was able to get away from him and breathe again. I was in pleasure heaven: “I can breathe!” That’s the important thing to remember about pleasure: Pleasure grows from sacrifice and struggle as greater relief is found. For instance, it’s hard to find a pleasure greater than the moment you go from running to find a washroom to finally finding relief whether number one or two. Going to the bathroom at the hint of needing to go produces little pleasure while having to hold it increases how good it feels when you finally go. This means you have to choose your pleasure. I choose going at a hint to avoid the anxiety and struggle. I miss out on the obvious sense of relief and pleasure that holding it gives, but like eating carbs, this is the pleasure I choose, so I should be grateful for what I experience.
This leads to another important fact: A sense of pleasure is more obvious when you have an ice cream in your hand rather than the sacrifice of saying no to it. Looking in your empty hand can feel like you’re missing out, which makes it hard to see the pleasure in it. This leads to an important point about pleasure: Sometimes the more important pleasures we choose (e.g. saying no to an easy pleasure) can only be experienced when we acknowledge what we’ve done: “I said no to something that would feel good in hopes I’ll have something greater later – that’s awesome! Yea, me!” This means we need to work at acknowledging the less obvious pleasures like saying no to temptations in order to better appreciate our choices.
This idea that we have to choose between pleasures is constantly in my face as someone who is self employed: Do I work and make money or do I take time off to see my family without pay? What’s the healthy balance? Both are important. I also have this with my mortgage/line of credit I have for the renovation. How much do I sacrifice to pay it off quicker in order to end up paying less interest in the long run? There needs to be a balance of pleasure now versus greater pleasure later because we sacrificed. As I’ve taught before: Live so your future self will thank you, but not at too much of a detriment to your current self.
Pleasures are a choice and what we choose says a lot about us. For a week and a half my wife and kids were away while I was at home working (as described in last week’s lesson) and how did I spend my time? I did my job more than usual and then I did more work on the house than I normally do. My wife asked me what I did to relax and I told her while I ate my meals I watched a couple documentaries including the new one about Jim Henson on Disney+. I essentially watched things to learn and stimulate my brain while eating. I multitasked two things that can be enjoyed on their own, but combined I reduced their individual pleasure levels in order to save time.
The day my family came home, they arrived at 10pm, and I was in the middle of baking cookies to help the house smell inviting (and because I love cookies). Before that I had just got cleaned up after working close to 13 hours on the house. It was a solid day of shoveling stone, laying interlock, cutting stone, cutting grass, and cleaning up. When my wife asked how my day was I replied, “It was amazing. I got so much done.” No, I’m not a woman (women typically enjoy checking things off their to-do list more than guys), and no these weren’t jobs my wife wanted done by a certain time. This was all self imposed. I find most guys when given free time from the kids will golf, watch TV, fish, drink, or do whatever else they think is fun. That’s what they would prioritize as their pleasure while I chose accomplishments. One isn’t better than the other; they’re just different pleasure choices (and a sign I might have traded in my guy card a long time ago).
Pleasure can be divided into two simple camps: Bad pleasures are easy and typically lead to suffering later whether for you or someone else (hence why they’re bad) while good pleasures are often harder and take more self discipline, but often lead to greater potential levels of pleasure later. For instance, we can use credit and loans to treat ourselves now to things, but we’ll have the stress of debt in the future. We can smoke or vape, which is an easy and quick pleasure, but our body will suffer for it. Similarly, we can drink or eat too much, but our bodies will be angry at us later. We can flirt with other people when we’re in a committed relationship, but that’s a dangerous road. We can whine in order to get pleasure from people giving us sympathy. There are people who find pleasure in drama and conflict. I’ve met people who find pleasure in hurting someone because they felt that person deserved it (those people terrify me). We can find pleasure in over working, but that can cost us our families. As I learned in the documentary, Jim Henson’s wife left him because he didn’t help his family feel like a priority and then he died of pneumonia because he avoided doctors and taking care of his body. I’d even argue that tattoos are a bad pleasure if people get them just for the “Look what I just got,” show off idea (other reasons are fine). It’s like they’re looking to impress people with something they didn’t have to work for themselves.
Good pleasure comes after we’ve had to struggle in some way. It can be as simple as being hot and walking into an air conditioned room or being cold and walking into some place warm. It can be working hard or exercising and then having a needed drink or rest. It can be practicing a routine and then performing it rather than just faking it (and everyone seeing that it is faked). It’s changing your life to lose a few pounds or facing something that has scared us and overcoming it.
Other times pleasure is simply acknowledging the little things we often take for granted. Not having aches and pains in our body, being able to walk or drive a car, having a shower, pausing to enjoy the warmth of the sun or the beauty of the night sky, the hug of a loved one, having a computer, and recorded music to listen to, and grocery stores full of food that we didn’t have to grow or kill. There are many pleasures in our world we take for granted… like others wearing deodorant.
This week may you consider what pleasures you should be choosing.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)