As a child I had some questions about Christmas and Santa, but now that I’m older and wiser – brilliant to some… or at least to my mom – I have discovered some answers. The following are three examples:
1. Why Doesn’t Santa Give Bad Kids Coal Anymore?
The top five reasons Santa stopped giving bad kids coal:
- Dumb kids thought the coal was chocolate and tried to eat it ii)
- Santa learned pretty fast that giving a bad kid a lump of coal is giving him a weapon to beat his sister
- Santa had to stop coal mining because of the coal dust killing his elves… it’s a sad tale
- It’s a lot easier to deliver bed bugs and lice
- The sheer volume of coal he’d have to carry for the number of bad kids today is impractical since 82.5% of kids in the world are on the naughty list. The worst part of this stat is it’s believable… yet totally made up. But the mall is full of kids who make me happy to be barren… that might not be the right word for a guy to use.
2. Why is Christmas celebrated on two days, Dec 25 and Jan 7?
I originally thought that the Orthodox who celebrate Christmas on Jan 7 and not Dec 25 delayed their day because they wanted the Boxing Day deals, but if that were the case, the Scottish and Dutch would’ve jumped on that bandwagon as well. I can say this stereotype because my background is Scottish and I look Dutch, which is basically the same thing. The real answer is actually far more obvious; I don’t know how I didn’t realize it sooner. There are two days for Christmas because Santa needed the two nights for delivering presents. He can only visit so many houses in one night so early on he split things up. Fortunately, he was smart enough to give the Orthodox the later date because… well they’re nicer. Can you imagine if the Westerners had to go second? We’d be whining and comparing our gifts like a spoiled child: (Westerner) “He got more than me!” (Santa) “You received an equal amount.” (Westerner) “Equal is the same as getting less. I want more!” (Look at me being political and semi offensive/honest about my culture; it’s a good thing I look Dutch). The Orthodox people are much more content and ultimately enjoy watching us Westerners frantically rush around before the 25 while they’re relaxing (Orthodox person): “Look at those silly people.” What some people don’t know is Santa made a third separation with his gift giving. He delivers gifts to Russia on New Year’s Eve, but that makes sense since at one point the USSR was the biggest country in the world and the weather there is so unpredictable. Thus, it only made sense to do them separate. Plus, I hear they really know how to bring in the New Year.
3. Is Santa Racist?
I remember hearing a Jewish comedian say that Santa is a Nazi because he didn’t give the Jewish children presents. Clearly he’s not a Nazi… he also doesn’t visit Muslims… is that comment borderline racist? It’s okay, I look Dutch (For the record, I love both Jewish and Muslim people and that comment is in jest). The truth is Santa isn’t racist; he just visits people who put up a Christmas tree or some type of Christmas shrubbery like an oak branch; big candle stick holders don’t do it for him. He’s a man; maybe Mrs. Clause would’ve been more interested in candles, but Santa wants something manly like a tree decorated in glitter. Ultimately, if you can’t put up a tree to celebrate the true meaning of Christmas – a day off work – then Santa cuts you off the list. It’s in the small print: Naughty, nice, bother to put up a tree. This means Santa’s not racist; he just goes where there’s indoor shrubbery, which symbolizes that he’s welcome there. If he didn’t have this rule that’d be dangerous for him. He couldn’t just show up at someone’s house unexpectedly. That’s why he has set dates. If I hear someone in my house late at night on Christmas Eve, awesome, it’s Santa. If I hear someone in my house late at night any other night of the year… “Honey can you make me a sandwich?” Santa has to be careful because with his size and age he’s a slow runner; he’s not going to be getting away. To make matters worse, with his size, straight on or sideways he’s a pretty big target. No one’s missing that shot. Is Santa racist? No, but he does arguably give special treatment to people with a Christian background; he is a Christian Saint after all and I’m okay with the special treatment because I’m Christian… and too old to be on the naughty list anymore because clearly that’s where I’d be.
Bonus: How Santa is like God
This leads to an example of how Santa is a lot like God. God only gets involved when people ask Him to. For instance, I used to wonder why I had to pray when God knows everything anyway. It didn’t make sense. I’m just asking for what He already knows I want and need. The truth is God isn’t pushy. He’s not a geeky boy begging the girl, “Please go out with me. Please go out with me…” He’s the cool kid saying “Hey you want a friend? No, okay, your choice. Let me know if you change your mind.” When it comes to prayer specifically, He wants us to acknowledge Him and ask. He’s not being a jerk. He’s not like: “I can help, but only if you say pretty please.” It’s actually for our benefit because if we ask Him then we’re more likely to realize that He heard and answered our request thereby strengthening our relationship with Him. God’s primary concern is our relationship with Him; not how comfortable we are… although, to be honest, I wish He could make my life a little more comfortable by protecting me from stupid people. By stupid I mean people who will smile to my face and tell me what they think I want to hear and then stab me in the back. I really hope Santa gives these people the flu for Christmas. That may sound a little harsh, but tis the season… and better than bedbugs.
This week may you discover the joys of talking to God and seeing how He answers prayer.
Rev Chad David, Emotional Sex, emotional tune up