How can I be a Good Person?

A friend recently asked me, “How can I be a good person?” And when I say “friend” I don’t mean my imaginary friend (he’s not that self reflective).  Misleading people isn’t a quality associated to being a good person… or is it? Either way, asking annoying questions just makes you annoying (well done, me).  After thinking about my friend’s question, I decided there’s a better one to ask (trying to show up my friend definitely isn’t a quality associated to good people… or is it?), and that is “How can I be the best person?” When I ask this, I don’t mean in a competitive way: “I need to be the best, so I can rub it into people’s faces!” That kind of ruins being the best.  Besides, you can’t award anyone with that title because it’s too subjective: (scientist) “I’m the best because I cured a disease.” (wife) “I’m pretty sure you did that for the money because now you can afford me as your wife.”  By knowing what it means to be the best (an impossible goal to achieve) we reduce the risk of complacency since there’ll always be room for improvement… or it’ll discourage certain peoples to the point of giving up because being the best is too hard to achieve: “Being the best is too hard.  I’m going to grow a mustache, wear a top hat, and have a herd of evil cats.”  Yes, that’s a Mayor Humdinger from Paw Patrol reference.  That’s the only kind of current reference I can offer at this point in my life (yea, for being a parent of toddlers).

What I should note is my trombone coach (yes, I was cool enough to have one of those when I was in grade 10) told me that as you work on one aspect of playing, other areas might start to feel a little weaker, and as you switch your attention to one of those, the aspect you had just improved will start to feel a little weaker whether it’s because it actually started to slide (yes, that’s a trombone pun) or because as we grow, what was once good to us eventually doesn’t seem so good anymore – we want more.  I would say this is also true for things like becoming a better person.  For instance, as we work on one area like motivation or thankfulness, other areas can feel like they’re sliding, which is why remembering my trombone coach’s lesson goes beyond remembering how I was the coolest guy in grade 10: (girl) “You’re the best grade 10 trombone player this school has ever seen.  That’s so hot (giggles while trombone player thinks she’s being sincere until they’re older and better understand sarcasm).”

Another interesting note is I find the people quickest to say they’re a good person are the ones others are less likely to describe as such: “I guess that explains why you suck and don’t seem to mind.”  These people tend to be more passive aggressive as they twist things to make everyone else the problem while they are the innocent victim.  Conversely, those quickest to be hard on themselves (like the friend who asked me how he can be a good person) are people others would likely describe as a good person.  It’s often hard to match these two worlds together (i.e. good people realizing they’re good and sucky people realizing they suck).  This is often because of two things: we tend to focus on our intentions while others are more interested in our actions or it can be from people who are simply too self critical.

To answer this question of how to be the best person, I could be a geeky Christian and quote the love passage because being good at love helps us be a good person: “Love is patient; love is kind.  It does not envy…” and a bunch of other things people typically suck at (i.e. “it does not boast, it is not proud.  It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.” (1 Cor 13:4-7)  I could also quote the Fruits of the Spirit: “love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.” (Gal 5:22b-23a) and then rank myself for each category on a scale of 0-10 with 10 being the best in order to consider where I need the most improvement.  After all, that’s a pretty solid list.  Unfortunately, quoting scripture is way too easy for someone like me who tends to find the hard way of doing things.

The one problem with the Fruits of the Spirit exercise is it can feel a little abstract and not very tangible: “But what is joy? What is peace and these other things I’m terrible at?” To answer my friend’s question I suggested two things to him.  First, I suggested he consider if he has any role models in his life he’d describe as good and try to be more like them.  They could be real people or even TV characters. Either way, it’s good to have people who inspire us.  For instance, someone recently told me about George Verwer; he was super impressive.  I also find the more I learn about Walt Disney, the more impressed I become and the more I think the Disney company has lost its Christian/family based roots.  My second recommendation was to write a top ten list of what he would consider important for someone to be a good person.  It can be hard to come up with a top ten list, especially if you can’t come up with more than the nine ideas from the Fruits of the Spirit list.  Of course, it doesn’t have to be a top 10 list.  It could be a top five or even top three (if you aren’t very ambitious).  In case it helps, I’ve come up with a pretty big list to inspire yours (I like to complicate things, so that makes sense):

Options for Being the Best Person:

1. They’ll have resting smile face instead of resting jerk or bored face
2. They’ll try to smile and laugh when appropriate (aka they’ll try to have social skills)
3. They’ll be polite and use manners
4. They’ll be welcoming (i.e. say hi to friends and when appropriate to strangers on the street)
5. In conversation, they do their best to validate the other person instead of trying to fix the other person’s problems
6. They’ll admit fault and accept responsibility when they make a mistake
7. They won’t get overly defensive when someone’s angry at them and will do their best to help that person feel cared about
8. They’ll get appropriately mad at injustice and unfairness
9. They’ll appreciate others’ abilities and successes instead of being envious
10. They’ll try to follow basic morality based on the 10 Commandments like don’t murder, don’t have affairs, don’t slander, honor your parents, etc.
11. They’ll find a balance between giving and receiving
12. They’ll work at letting go of emotional pain (i.e. forgive hurts)
13. They’ll know when to show grace and when to allow people to face repercussions
14. They’ll be patient to a point (i.e. not a pushover)
15. They’ll help others instead of enable (i.e. give to a point)
16. They’ll use their talents
17. They’ll know when to take breaks and relax
18. They’ll be fruitful with their time and money
19. They’ll work on developing new talents
20. They’ll start conversations and not rely on others to do it
21. They’ll engage in conversation with healthy sharing and asking good questions instead of letting the other person do all of the work
22. They’ll be okay with silence if that’s what the moment calls for
23. They’ll reach out to say hi to friends they haven’t seen in awhile
24. They’ll look for ways to be encouraging with those in need
25. They’ll face healthy challenges instead of hiding
26. They’ll work at seeing a balance of the positive and negative in life in order to not be taken advantage of while also not being a negative Nancy
27. They’ll practice having a grateful heart
28. They’ll get out emotion in a healthy way instead of stuffing it down or exploding in front of others
29. They’ll carry their own weight and not mooch off of others
30. They’ll show to work and do their job
31. They’ll offer to help when appropriate with practical options instead of saying, “Let me know if there’s anything I can do to help,” because that’s pretty useless
32. They’ll ask for help when appropriate
33. They’ll surround themselves with good people
34. They’re able to say yes or no when they should
35. They discipline their children and act as an authority who is deserving of respect instead of being overly accommodating and weak or domineering
36. They’ll make life better for those around them
37. They’ll have their own opinion, but open to hearing new ideas
38. They won’t get overly defensive when others give suggestions
39. They’ll let others struggle when the struggle is good for the person
40. They’ll takes care of themselves, which includes going to bed when they should
41. They’ll try to be at their best in order to be their better selves (i.e. it’s easier to be nice when you’re not exhausted)
42. They’ll be generous to a point and not give until it hurts
43. They’ll be proud of their accomplishments to grow in confidence and strength, but never rubbing it into others faces
44. They’ll engage in various communities whether church, sports teams, volunteer groups, etc.
45. They’ll donate to charity
46. They’ll know the difference between “a feeling” and “thinking” (aka logic), especially when feelings can be liars and logic can make us insensitive
47. They’ll do the right thing because it’s the right thing and not for selfish reasons
48. They’ll keep a tidy house (i.e. it doesn’t have to be spotless, but a happy brain starts with an organized home)
49. They’ll consider others’ feelings (e.g. won’t play loud music when neighbors are trying to sleep)
50. They’ll avoid complaining and instead, make requests for what they want to improve the situation rather than knock the other person down
51. They won’t assume others know what they want, but will use clear communication
52. They won’t assume the worst about others, but will double check to ask what the person’s intention was when it didn’t seem very nice, especially since most people are more worried about protecting themselves rather than intentionally hurting others
53. They’ll pick their battles
54. They’ll try to be gentle or a little more aggressive based on what the situation calls for
55. They’ll give the author of this post a million dollars (this one is my favorite)

This week may you consider what a good (or the best) person looks like and do what you can to pursue that title.

Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)