Fear is like being best friends with the class bully. Some days it’s really great because it protects us from other dangerous things, but there are always the bad days; the days we second guess whether we should end this relationship because it’s the fear that’s doing the most damage. Healthy fear keeps us from jumping off a cliff when the little voice says “You know what would be pretty epic for youtube…” or “That person is a bad parent and should be told how much they suck in a loud booming voice so everyone in the grocery store can hear.” This kind of fear is a gift because it protects us and the people around us. Unhealthy fear, however… man, that sucks. So often fear leads us to doing stupid things. We yell at people we want to love and hold us. We avoid talking to someone being gossiped about because we don’t want to be associated with him or her in case we end up in the stories. We don’t leave the job we hate for a better one because what we don’t know could be worse. That being said, what often hurts us the most isn’t really the fear itself, but how we respond to it. Many people have heard of the fight or flight response, but I find there are actually 7 ways we can respond:
Fight: When some people are afraid they will respond by lashing out at others. This type of person can appear to be angry at nothing when in fact he or she’s angry about something completely unrelated. He or she transfer the feelings from one thing or person to another because it feels better to be angry than scared.
Flight (flee): Some people prefer to runaway when there’s a problem. This can be running away to a whole new city, job, or group of friends. Instead of dealing with the problem, these people will try to escape by leaving anything that reminds them of the problem. There are times we need a fresh start, but flight people are really premature at doing this; what should be a last resort is an early move.
Freeze: When some people are afraid they simply freeze. They’ll actually do nothing and hope the problem fixes itself, which it rarely ever does. Freezing usually just delays the inevitable. For instance, some people will remain in very unhealthy dating relationships for years before ending it. For a short time hope is healthy, but that quickly ends and the person is simply avoiding reality: You’re with a dud.
Hide: Hiding is different than flight because hiders don’t run; they try to hide from the fear through substance abuse, work, spending, video games, sex, and any other distracting addiction. They don’t run away; they hide from the world and/or reality.
Overcompensate: Some of the best flirters and stage performers are overcompensaters. The fear comes out in this playful energy that can be a wonderful addition to a social setting or it can be brutally annoying because everyone else just wants the overcompensater to calm down and relax. Overcompensators can also be workaholics, perfectionists, overly encouraging, and overly generous gift givers because they’re… overcompensating.
Controllers: These people make for the worst teachers and bosses. They micromanage and can’t keep their hands out of everything. They end up pushing people away because most people can’t stand having someone try to rule them. This is a popular choice for insecure parents, which they do to protect their kids, but it just ends up making the kids want to avoid their parents.
Fix: Fixing the fear should be the ultimate goal. Fear should be teaching us how to protect ourselves and others by preventing bad things from happening or getting worse. Unfortunately, there isn’t a set answer for how to fix something, especially since what’s right for one person may not be right for the next. The truth is fixing is typically the result of trial and error. You try what seems like the best answer and if it works great; if not, you have to go to plan b and further if needed.
This week may you start to strive towards Fix rather than the other options like fight, flight, freeze, hiding, and overcompensating.
Rev Chad David, www.ChadDavid.ca, Learn to love dumb people