In the last lesson we considered the idea that being humble sits in the middle between Appearing Cocky and Self Deprecating where Humble is about not always being first or always being last. In this lesson, let’s go a little further. It’s one thing to say we need to be humble, but if we don’t know what that looks like how do we do it? For communicating in a humble way, let’s consider another scale:
Pushy/Mean (-10)———-Humble (0)———-Pushover/Weak (+10)
Last Sunday I drove up to my mom’s for our weekly family dinner (a useless detail that I added to brag that I get free food every Sunday… oh wait, I guess that’s not very humble; sorry). I ended up being at a red light getting ready to turn left (that’s not a useless fact; just not very interesting). This stoplight has an advanced green arrow and since it was a normal busy time of traffic and there were cars behind me, I assumed the advanced green would be given. When I saw green, I hit the gas only to have to quickly switch to the brake as I realized the green didn’t include the advanced green. (I think the light is prejudice against super cool people.) It was the go-stop, annoy others in the car moment, but no one in my car complained (surprisingly). Not complaining was actually a demonstration of humility… or a sign they were distracted (I’m leaning to that option). A driver on the other side of the intersection was not so humble/distracted. Even though I had already stopped, he honked at me, which was a little weird, but that’s fine; maybe he was trying to start the beat to a song like in the Goofy Movie (a reference that proves I’m super cool). Since the light was green, he started moving toward me as I rolled into the intersection in order to be ready turn. Since I’ve become obsessed with waving at people when I’m driving (people waving has almost disappeared), I put my hand up in the wave that says “Sorry, I know I made a mistake.” It was such a minor mistake I didn’t know why the guy even honked, but as he passed me he put his hand out of his window and gave me the finger while mouthing words that suggested he wasn’t saying “Glad you’re safe. Have a lovely day.” It was a very strange moment, and since I was already feeling emotionally worn down and believing that people suck, this was a solid kick in the pants. If I was in a good spot, I would’ve laughed at his ridiculousness or been angry at his inappropriateness. Instead, I went from humble with my wave to falling hard to the Pushover/Weak side. At the same time, he went from slight Bossy/Mean to very Bossy/Mean and became a solid jerk. The hard part about trying to be a good person is bad people can make it so difficult… you know, because they’re bad. Good people try to be a light while the bad try to snuff them out.
Looking at this scale, one of the challenges for being humble is it’s different than being a pushover or weak. Being humble involves an inner strength, and in that moment I was far from strong. If I could have crawled into a hole and hid from the world, I would’ve been set. Instead, I continued on doing my responsibilities as a husband and dad, which ultimately started moving me back toward the healthy middle, Humble. I will point out that when I was a teenager, I definitely wasn’t on the Pushover/Weak side. I had the typical, “I’m going to prove myself even if it means proving you wrong” attitude. It definitely hurt a few feelings, but my recovery time was amazing compared to now when I’m drawn to the Pushover/Weak side. Am I unique as a middle age man for having this switch? Nope. Ever wonder why so many middle age men have drinking problems? When you’re young and think you’re invincible, you drink because it’s fun. When you’re older, it’s a sign of struggling with feeling like a pushover and weak.
So what is the cure for feeling weak? Getting angry. That’s it. This brings up an important point: Humble people are supposed to get angry from time to time. We’re supposed to be angry when there is injustice and someone being treated unfairly including us. The important thing is we don’t want to speak in our anger because anger makes us dumb. When we’re angry we say things we shouldn’t say and we’re more likely to ramble. Talking to the person we’re angry at when we’re angry is never productive and almost always destructive. That’s why a humble person will recognize when they’re angry and stop talking, take a break to regroup, and return to deal with it in a proper mindset.
It’s also important to note that humbleness does not mean gentleness. Jesus had a gentle side, but He called certain people hypocrites, a brood of vipers, and white washed tombs. Jesus was definitely not a Pushover/Weak. Jesus demonstrated a wonderful example of Humble when He was presented with a woman caught in adultery, an offence punishable by death according to Jewish law (a very different set up than today). Knowing these Bossy/Mean religious leaders were trying to trap Him, “Jesus stooped down and wrote in the dust with his finger.” Isn’t that amazing? Jesus is like “I don’t have to answer you,” so He didn’t. I wish I had that kind of self control. My brain typically goes to “Explain yourself and ramble out of fear!” Since the crowd continued demanding an answer, Jesus “stood up again and said, ‘All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!’ Then he stooped down again and wrote in the dust.” Isn’t that amazing? Despite the aggression of the crowd, Jesus never got visibly upset. Remaining calm, He paused, tried to diffuse the situation by not playing into it, but then recognizing they weren’t going to give up, He gave them an answer that outsmarted them: “When the accusers heard this, they slipped away one by one, beginning with the oldest…” To the religious leaders’ credit, they were humble enough to recognize they were done, and starting with the oldest (I’m assuming to represent the wisest), they left Jesus alone with the woman. Even in this moment the woman remained silent, which is possibly a sign of humbling herself and/or fear: “Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, ‘Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?’” Notice how He asks a question that He already knows the answer to? He doesn’t tell her what to do or brag about how great His move was. Jesus asks her a question, which gives her a chance to have her own voice. Questions help people feel respected. What’s interesting is the writer of this story chooses to give this woman the only other individual voice in this passage. All of the leaders were bundled together, which means the writer lets her be above them in this passage. And her response is brilliant: “‘No, Lord,’ she said.” That’s it. She doesn’t ramble or explain herself. She doesn’t give an excuse, “I only cheated because the guy was cute and he promised to marry me.” Sometimes the best answer is the simplest. Then to conclude this incredible passage Jesus gives two short sentences: “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.” (John 5:6-11) There wasn’t a lecture. There wasn’t a “you owe me” vibe. It was like Jesus was saying, “You’re smart enough to realize what you did was wrong. I even trust you to figure out how, so stop.”
Side Note: Even though I’m a therapist, I don’t accept when people say excuses like “It’s a sex addiction.” If you have an addiction it means you chose to do something that you ended up doing more than you should for whatever reason. What we need to remember is that whatever the addiction is, God made you strong enough to stop. You might not believe in yourself, but the One who created you knows what you’re capable of, especially if you include Him in your goal.
Here’s a quick list of how a humble person communicates:
- They’re quick to ask questions (even if they think they know the answer) instead of telling people what to do even if the question starts with “Have you thought about doing…” and then the statement.
- They’re quick to listen and acknowledge the other person’s emotions (e.g. “That sounds terrible,”) rather than offer “help” to fix it – fixers are annoying.
- Before giving a suggestion or an explanation, humble people will ask permission first: “Can I give a suggestion?” “Can I tell you why I did that?”
- They’re quicker to ask questions about the other person rather than talk about themselves.
- They’ll make a request instead of complaining because it’s more solution focused: “Can I make a request? Next time you… can you…?”
- They use proper manners like “Please,” “Thank you,” “Excuse me,” “Pardon,” etc.
- They have no problem saying “I’m sorry,” even if they don’t think they did anything wrong, but it’s to show they care about the other person: “I’m sorry you were hurt,” and “I’m sorry I didn’t communicate that more clearly.” I recently had someone email me, “I’m sorry you didn’t understand…” that was very ouch. That’s not an apology; that’s a passive aggressive dig.
- They will offer compliments and praise to others and not be intimidated when someone is better at something than them.
- They will offer excitement for other people’s successes and sympathy for their failures (when appropriate) while also not claiming they’re owed something for being different.
- They bite their tongues (aka say nothing) instead of giving snarky comments or jabs until they’ve cooled off enough to talk nicely.
This week may you consider how you can talk in a humble way.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, Learning to love dumb people (like me)