How Does Your Brain Lie to You? (Communication series)
The last couple of weeks I’ve mentioned the idea that we can say things that aren’t heard correctly using the idea that one person says, “Circle,” and the other person hears, “Square,” or “Circle, you idiot.” I’ve recently learned a new option: “Circle, I’m special.” My brain (and my whole family’s) has always leaned to “Circle, you idiot.” I’m quick to blame myself (it’s as fun as it sounds), which means I have to fight feelings of inferiority because my brain is mean to me (it’s like super fun). It turns out, there are others who don’t think like me – what? In many ways, my wife and I are very different. I was a country boy (by location and not the music – gross) while she was a city girl. I grew up with single ply toilet paper because we had a septic and she had fancy pants three ply toilet paper – yeah, very fancy pants. When I first used her bathroom I was like “What is this magical product I’m rubbing on my butt?” She was also different because after puberty she had a ton of guys wanting her while after puberty, I only had one guy wanting me (I wasn’t as attractive to the boys… obviously). Besides having similar taste in movies, music, and church (very helpful similarities) and both of us being technologically daft (not so helpful), we are quite opposite, which has been wonderful as we balance each other out (or it’s driven us crazy). This also means she has been incredible at teaching me different ways of thinking, which she has recently done again with “Circle, I’m special”; a concept I’m still struggling to grasp: “You don’t just beat yourself up? You are missing out; it’s fantastic if you don’t want self esteem.”
Last fall I wrote a lesson “12 Lies the Devil Uses to Mess Us Up.” I told my one friend I used to struggle with feeling stupid, but had switched to the category of discouragement (the devil has been excellent at using this against me this past year). When I asked my friend what lie he needed to be weary of, he replied, “Being superior.” That was shocking… but made sense. My friend is very confident (way more than me) and he has a ton of friends (again, way more than me). His sense of superiority means he doesn’t need to prove himself or show off, and his communication skills are one of the reasons I look forward to our weekly jogs together.
Around that time, when I asked my wife what lie the devil uses to mess with her, we never really pegged it… until now, a year later. We never pegged her because we never considered her to be like my friend – superior. Unlike my friend, she still has the natural female people pleasing mentality, but her people pleasing has a different feel than mine. Where I used to try to earn love (a common motivator for performers) and be good enough, she’s more of an “I’m special and should help others.” This might be the result of being a beautiful young woman in high school who had a lot of special treatment or it could be the result of having a dad who had a very rare disease from the time she was in grade four to college when he passed away and leaving her feeling like life owed her. It might be something completely different or a culmination of life moments in general – the joys of dealing with our thinking patterns; it’s all a guessing game. Regardless, it was a really interesting moment for me when her sense of superiority was discovered because I’ve been with her for 17 years – how’d I not see that? What’s crazy is this realization came out of a pretty simple situation. We needed to special order a couple cabinets for our new bathroom. My wife had already gone and made a preliminary order and this was supposed to be just a paying for it situation. I had, however, found the receipt for the vanity we had already purchased for that bathroom and I sent it with her to show the salesperson to make sure it all matched – it did not. When I heard about this, I was very relieved the mistake was found whereas my wife was angry. Was she embarrassed for almost making a blunder? Nope. Was she like me who would’ve felt dumb for making such a big mistake? Nope. Was she like me and have a fear of wasting time? Nope. She was essentially upset because she “deserved” to have it go right. When she said this idea out loud, it clicked for me – you see yourself as superior. Suddenly, so many moments she’s had that seemed superficial and not like her all started to make sense. On one hand, she’s the kind of woman who volunteered in a youth group for nine years (she started before I took over her group), she currently helps in Sunday School, she used to be part of a group who drove around helping the women of the night, and she’s very quick to buy gifts or make meals for others as encouragement. At the same time, she has some bizarrely superficial desires like having a big house in a superior area whereas I’m thrilled to live where we do and in the house we have (and not just because our taxes are lower in a city that’s going tax insane). A few years ago, our pastor asked: Would you rather make $50k in an area where most people make $30k or $100k in an area where most people make $200k? Because of my competitive nature and not wanting to be at the bottom (a natural result of wanting to feel good enough), I easily chose the $50k option while my wife, without hesitation, wanted the $100k. She’s also said she’d rather have the worst house on the street of a great area than the best house on a street in a decent area. I’m guessing the fact she has almost zero sense of competition is part of this because being the worst would kill me: “I’m the biggest loser! How will anyone like me?”
So how does this connect to communication? Since one person can say, “Circle,” and our brains can hear something else, it becomes very important to consider how we’re likely going to interpret it (aka what lie is going to influence the interpretation?) These lies can fall into one of two categories: I’m Inferior or Superior. Inferior is based on weakness, which includes mentally weak (e.g. stupid), emotionally weak (e.g. sensitive), appearance weak (e.g. ugly or fat), physically weak (e.g. vulnerable), financially weak (e.g. poor), spiritually weak (e.g. guilt ridden sinner) or socially weak (e.g. an outcast, weird, or too brash). People in this category tend to be really good at spinning things to be their fault and we need to help others to distract us from our own problems or feel like we have value. We typically need to fight feelings of guilt, shame, regret, and dread while over thinking seems second nature. Because of this we are susceptible to shutting down and burn out. Meanwhile, people in the Superior category need to be careful not to be passive aggressive and condescending. These people can still feel guilt, but it’s not the same. My wife definitely feels guilt (women tend to be great at finding ways to feel guilt), but it’s more “I should help them because I’m special.” In a way, it’s healthier than my approach, which is more fear based and wanting approval. My wife still has fear like for our children’s safety (women tend to be great at finding ways to be scared for their kids), but she’s not fear based in her general thinking like I am (she’s missing out). My fear makes me want to hide from uncomfortable situations and conflict or walk on eggshells worrying about upsetting people. Meanwhile, if my wife doesn’t do something, it’s more likely her dismissing it as uncomfortable and not worth the bother. My way hurts way more (again, she’s really missing out).
Even with this realization about my wife, I don’t see her as less than me (obviously; that’s not how my inferior bent brain works). I also don’t see her as superior… sometimes. Sometimes I can’t fight my natural instinct when it’s combined with her sense of superiority. In good moments, however, I see us as different and her difference is what helps her be her. It’s part of the person I married and I need to appreciate her different way of approaching life. If anything, I need her different way of thinking to balance my natural inferior driven brain.
This week may you consider if your brain is more likely to lie to you about you being superior or inferior.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, Learning to love dumb people (like me)