The other week, my wife gave a wonderful demonstration of how we can reduce conflict. What was extra impressive was it happened after a long day of watching our two girls, so her patience for people would’ve already been worn thin. Here’s what happened: During what’s arguably the best time of day for parents of young kids – when the kids are asleep – I was working on my laptop in the kitchen while my wife worked on our now three year old’s birthday cake. She soon put the cake pans in the oven and said to me, “I’m going to have my shower. When the buzzer goes off, please take out the cake pans.” Like most guys, I was half paying attention and grunted my affirmation – very manly, I know. Fortunately, it wasn’t something I needed to really pay attention to because I know how to respond to the oven timer even without being asked – I’m like a geniuss. Preferably what gets my attention is the timer going off and not the smoke alarm, but either will get me to move – unless I’m asleep because I can sleep through almost anything, which is a gift with a baby who cries at night… unless you’re my wife dealing with me.
When the buzzer went, as expected, I stopped what I was doing and pulled out the two cake pans. I was surprised that the pans were thinner than I’m used to seeing and they were closer to the oven door than usual, but I didn’t think much about it… but I should have. About ten minutes later, my wife came out of the bathroom feeling relaxed and happy… until she looked at the stovetop and her mood quickly flipped: (wife) “Why are there only two cake pans on the stovetop?” Now to me, this was a very strange question because I’ve seen cakes be made and have even made them myself a few times and there were always two pans for a two layered cake. Remember how I was surprised the pans were at the front of the stove and thinner than usual? Apparently, if I had just bent down a couple more inches I would’ve seen that there were four cake pans in the oven and not two… well, now there were two cake pans in the oven with two very burnt cakes that were not far away from causing the fire alarm to go off.
As my wife stood staring in shock, it was like time slowed down for a brief moment. This is one of the most terrifying times for a husband because it’s that pause right before you get ripped apart for being an idiot. What really sucks about this as a husband is even though you feel like the dog putting his tail between his legs well aware of our mistake, this doesn’t seem to matter; the wife needs to reinforce her feelings. This is largely because when a wife is overwhelmed (a common problem for women who put so much pressure on themselves), there’s a high chance all the built up emotion is going to be unleashed on the husband when he makes a mistake… or she can break down crying, which also gets to the guy because we don’t want to hurt our partner. Like many wives, mine has a tone, a look, and a volume that can make any man crumble because the tone, look, and volume are our Kryptonite. Fortunately, my wife has listened to me when I’ve expressed this and she tries to be careful not to use them on me, but at times like this when she’s tired and my mistake has added to her already long list of to-dos, there is a 99% she isn’t going to be able to hold back… but she proved me wrong and blew me away. After fifteen years together, she had a perfect moment in the face of a highly volatile marital trial. I’m not sure how many other people, men or women, would’ve been as good as her in a moment like that. After staring at the stove in disbelief, she paused, and said, “I should’ve waited to have my shower. This is my fault.” Whoa! She then carried on doing things in the kitchen while I slowly unfroze from my emotional fetal position.
I mentioned this story to someone who remarked that my wife sounded like she was giving me a guilt trip (i.e. being passive aggressive), but that definitely wasn’t the case. The next day, when things had blown over, I could’ve asked her, “To clarify, was your comment meant to be a guilt trip or was it just a fact?” but I knew the answer was positive already and I didn’t need to check because of how she was the rest of the night – she was… friendly and I was… weirded out. She took responsibility for what happened instead of just blaming me. She knows I could’ve bent over more to see the other two cakes, but that was secondary to her not waiting eight minutes while the cakes cooked. Her recognizing this was huge because blaming others is a very natural response, especially when we’re upset.
A week later, I mentioned how impressed I was by her response and my wife bluntly said, “I was too tired to be angry.” My reply could’ve caused a fight, but again, she handled it really well as I laughed, “I’m pretty sure that isn’t a thing for you.” My comment and her reaction are signs that we are in a good spot right now and there’s strong trust allowing us freedom to not be as filtered in what we say or joke about. Add in the fact that my wife grew up in a family of yellers, and her response is all the more impressive as she went against her childhood habit and role modeling.
I think it’s important to share success stories to know that change and growth are possible, especially when my other posts will discuss how we didn’t handle ourselves as well as we should have. My wife jokes that she was so crazy she had to marry a therapist, and the truth is our relationship has been the greatest teacher I could’ve had for being a therapist because we were two very opposite people who have both had to grow and push ourselves to be better. Relationships, in general, are meant to challenge us just enough that it keeps us growing, and safe enough that we can feel comfortable to make mistakes. At times it has felt like the challenges were more than we could both handle, but as we kept moving forward together, we have found a really good rhythm. I know this rhythm will get knocked around in the future, but if we keep pushing to be patient, kind, and self controlled, we’ll be able to get through it. And if anyone needs to be working at having a healthy relationship it’s a therapist like me. I need to strive to be a healthy role model and someone worthy of my position.
This week may you try to remember times when you’ve been really good at handling a difficult situation.
Rev. Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, learning to love dumb people (like me)