I was recently asked how to carry on a conversation… a question that is itself a good way to carry on a conversation. With this person I had previously discussed how to start a conversation with JAOCAOH, a brilliant word… that’s not a word; it’s an acronym. I use this “word” to give ideas on how to start conversations with friends and random people. As someone who was taught to be silent unless spoken to as a child and therefore terrible at starting conversations for most of my life, I find these seven options a great thing to keep in mind when trying to start a conversation now as an adult. But now the client wanted to know what to do once she started the conversation, which is an excellent question I hadn’t really thought about. First, let me point out what JAOCAOH means:
- J – Joke: By joke I don’t mean joke-jokes. Don’t be like “Knock, knock…” Look for something in the environment to joke about such as “You have a Maple Leafs jersey… I guess you don’t like winning,” or “If awkwardness is a gift, this place is really generous.”
- A – Appreciate (e.g. “Thank you for volunteering here.”)
- O – Observation: (e.g.“A Star Wars shirt? Good choice.”)
- C – Compliment: Avoid anything too personal like “I could stare at your rib cage all day,” and stick to things safer such as “I like your hat,” and “Your hair looks fantastic.”
- A – Apologize (e.g. “Oh, excuse me; I’ll let you go first.”)
- O – Open Ended Questions: Questions that can’t be answered with one word. For instance, “What was the best part of your day?” is more likely to start a conversation than “How was your day?”
- H – Help: Help someone or ask for help. I used to “help” by wearing joke shirts to give people something to comment on. It worked really well in the right settings.
As my client found, the next challenge after starting the conversation is to know how to continue it. Below are some suggestions… sorry, I don’t have an awesome acronym for this.
- Remember You’re Not Alone: A conversation takes more than one person… unless you’re crazy. All parties are responsible for carrying the conversation, so don’t put all the pressure on you.
- Seek talkative people: If you’re nervous about starting a conversation, look for people who love to talk. At parties I often end up talking to women because by “talking” I mean I listen while they talk. Women are generally better at random conversations than guys.
- Watch for Fringe People: These are the people off to the sides of the room who are socially uncomfortable. The odds are they’d love to have someone care enough to talk to them. By noticing and going to them you can feel empowered, which helps you talk better.
- Believe You’re Interesting: No one else knows your life like you do. Even the most basic life can be interesting to others. For instance, “Wow, I’ve never met anyone with such a simple life. That’s intriguing.”
- Control the Conversation: Act like the parent with a child in the conversation where you ask questions and steer the conversation to topics you care about. It can also help you feel empowered.
- Smile, Nod, Laugh, Show Concern, Ask Questions: React to what people say because it will encourage them to keep sharing. If you don’t react, they’ll assume you don’t care and will stop talking.
- Mix of Closed & Open Ended Questions: A closed ended question can be answered with one word whereas an open ended question can’t.
- Redirect It Back: “That’s a good question; what do you think?”
- Share something: If you don’t share anything and just ask questions it’ll feel like an interview. Plus people tend to be more open to sharing when you offer something to them. It’s like a subconscious level of trust: You won’t use what I say against me because I have something on you. At the same time, careful not to over-share.
- Have a Story and/or Topic on Hand: When we’re put on the spot it can be impossible to think of a good line, which is why it’s good to have a story on hand. You can watch funny videos you can describe, read the newspaper for recent news, or even look up interesting stories online.
- Observation vs Judgement: Some people are afraid to hear or share because they don’t want to be judgemental. Be aware of the difference of making an observation (e.g. facts and categorizing) versus judgement and looking down on people (i.e. I’m better than you).
- Venting vs Gossip: Some people are afraid of hearing or sharing information about other people, but sometimes we just need to get out our frustrations. That’s not gossip. That’s venting. Venting bonds people through understanding and empathy. Gossip is used to put others down and make ourselves look better.
- Embrace Silence: Sometimes silence can be incredibly peaceful. It can also allow for others to say something. Make silence your friend.
- Be Okay to Flop: Sometimes a joke will fall flat or you’ll ask a dumb question (and yes there are dumb questions) Sometimes what you say will go nowhere or even make you look dumb, but a good conversationalist will know how to bail you out, and turn this into a great moment. Plus, sometimes your thought will fall flat because the other person(s) is terrible at socializing. It might not be you, so don’t just blame yourself. Like in football, no matter how good the quarterback is, the receiver still has to know how to catch it.
- Use Throw Away Comments: Sometimes saying something you might think is useless can spark an idea for someone else to take and talk about.
- Have an Excuse to Leave: Sometimes you just need to end a conversation. Have an escape plan like “I better go to the bathroom,” and “I’m going to get some food.”
- Repeat What the Other Person Says Back to Them: A therapy tool is to repeat what the other person says. For instance, “So what you’re saying is…” or “That’s interesting; I didn’t know (repeat what they say).” Of course, use this sparingly or you’ll look insane, but if done right it can help the person feel understood.
- Reword and Basically Repeat What the Person Says: Instead of directly quoting the other person, you can reword what they say in a new way. This is to show you understand what they’re saying
- Consider having a Partner: Sometimes, it’s just safer having a trusted person beside you to laugh and bail you out as needed. It can take the pressure off, so don’t be afraid to partner up at a party.
- Find a Task: At Christmas I end up doing the dishes because prefer working and talking than sitting at a table talking. Having a task means I don’t “have” to talk, which helps me feel freer.
- Pick a Safe Place to Be: Cats like to have a wall behind them because it helps them feel safer. That’s a good instinct. Find somewhere you feel safer to be, so you’re more confident to meet people.
- Timing of the Party: The beginning, middle, and end of a party have a different feel. I prefer being there later because it’s more peaceful after people start to leave, but find what you like.
- Know Why You’re Trying to Talk: I try to talk to people because I try to answer the question: Do I want to be remembered for being caring or shy/silent? Sometimes, I’m happy with being silent, but every so often we all need to push ourselves to talk to others to show we care about them.
Rev Chad David, ChadDavid.ca, Learning to love dumb people